If there was ever a time I needed to say goodbye. This would be it.
The question, 'What do you want?' seems so simplistic, so rationale, familiar, common and answerable. The question nowadays means none of those for me. We stood in the doorway of his apartment months ago ((months ago)) and he asked me two questions: 1. what do you want and 2. what do you need.
The answers differed greater than black and white. I guess that is what I am looking for-- some sort of grey. And well, I guess I have found it. To be lukewarm for the Lord and compromise in my righteousness and formed me the perfect swirl of grey. I thrive on circumstantial happiness, while serving a God of everlasting joy.
The hardest part for me to grasp in all of this is how ::faithful:: God is in the midst of my compromise. Are you readers sick of hearing that? Because I should be sick of writing about this. Compromise, compromise, compromise. But somehow it has led me to grow my roots deeper, my faith has become real-er, and my desire to know God has grown. ((weird, right?))
It is almost humorous now being in ministry, knowing all I do about the Lord and still choosing not to do my daily devotionals. Like I get phone calls daily about *big issues*. ((abortion, rape, homelessness)) and yet I can't stop and take a moment to talk to God? I have been consistently in the word (ptl) but that's not enough. What about good ol' communication with the Lord- where has that been?
The words goodbye need to happen and happen quickly and for good. The sad part is this is no ones fault but my own. I am the one who CHOSE to give my life for a higher purpose, I *chose* to work with broken wounded girls and promised I would love on them and fight on their behalf in both the physical and spiritual world. And the last thing my girls need is another person proving they are not 'good enough' without a man or base their worth on words of affirmation from a guy. They need, ((and I have been called to be)) a woman of grace, wisdom, and power from God.
The good news is it is not like it is too late or I have been given my last chance: the love and power of the cross knows no limits. No matter what you do "nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" ((romans 8))
So yet again another rant from 'Above all else' that speaks on the ::desire to be desired:: and the heart of a young women madly in love with the Lord and the idea of worldly love. I have seen myself grow too much, work too hard, and succeed rightly to live in the comfort of grey. It's just not worth it; What I want and what I need- need to start lining up.