Friday, September 10, 2010

Espresso Thoughts

Apparently every coffee shop in Rochester decided ice coffee is not good enough with just coffee with ice in it but instead decided to ice espresso shots and use that as a replacement... which is great you love a good buzz but I was perfectly content with  coffee being I don't know... coffee?!?!

So after my medium iced "coffee" today my hearts a little racy, my emotions are little off balance and my thought patterns are a little irrational. This is what my heart is feeling currently:

I am so ashamed that I did not make any contact with the oh-so-obvious homeless man hanging around the coffeeshop today. Who am I to be scared?? But he really could have stolen my things, I use to be so trusting but now working in the inner-city they tell me I have to err on the side of caution and I did... now I feel like a prick.

How is it that he is so comfortable being friends? The fact that he can completly turn off his hurting signifies one of two things; He really did fall out of love with me before we broke or he is a really good faker. I wish I knew which it was. I want him to miss me, yet I want him to go away-- I want him to say he can't live without me, yet I want him to go away. It actually is nice being friends... really nice.

I am learning how much of my life I run by my head instead of my heart. I use to be so careless, so free and reckless. I mean the results this is yielding are amazing and wisdom truly is knowing the right thing to do then actually doing it-- but I am honestly surprising myself in how often I follow through on these "right things"-- must be another miracle God is shining through me. I mean you really do have to be your heart's best friend. Hence the reason I am not in relationship anymore & the reason I can so easily write people off once they treat me wrong... I mean within reason.

In class I volunteered to do a "family statue" it is really cool therapy tactic. You position your family members at a position that signifies how you see their behaviors and actions towards each other. I am very self-aware and am comfortable with my families flaws and valuable qualities, so I volunteered--- however my professor being such a great clinician he called me out on.. well what I try to ignore but most of the time I don't really realize. I don't really connect, I don't... understand family-- I am so future focused, so "lets move on and get this done" that I think I leave them in the dust... I can see why my mother is hurt by my actions so often I mean... I really just want to move on. I take and take and yes I do give back but in most ways I am disconnected, I am on my own by my own choice... I don't know if this is healthy or not yet.. I just know its there and if you have been following for awhile you will see a pattern of my adolescent side hiding and fighting her way through life-- something God is still working on.

A positive thought though is how great my internship is... like really great. God has significantly answered ALL my prayers and stayed COMPLETELY faithful to his prophesies and had DOUBLY blessed me in my work. Which is such His character, how could He do anything different but love on me, spoil me, bless me when its the last thing I deserve. Thank you Lord, Thank you for just being YOU. 

Tomorrow is the big wedding... the big sha-bang, after this I plan on taking a serious break from the 'ex'. Need to form new habits, need to release him from my grasp of a social support, whether he cares about it or not. ... I'll leave you all with these lyrics from my new favorite band: NeedtoBreathe--

"I won’t be the circus that you’re the star in
I won’t leave you roses to watch them die
You won’t be the heartache that keeps me sleepless
You won’t be the songs that I can never write
I won’t be the fortress for you to hide in
I won’t be the first one you think to call
You won’t be the regrets that I can’t live with
He won’t be the last one to never have to lose it all
Cause I don’t want to stay, I don’t want to fall
I don’t want to have to see you leave me
I don’t want to take, I don’t want to lose it all
Maybe I’m a fake, maybe you’re a lie
Maybe our last chance died with last night
Cause I don’t want to stay I don’t want to fall in love
With you again
With you again"

See why I can't have espresso? haha. Most days I let the sun shine on my face and feel like one of the most blessed people in the world. I look forward to a future full of ministry and late nights with friends. I still spend two to three hours on the phone each day with great friends, like GREAT friends. I go to classes and learn things that I have been waiting years to really LEARN about. I am looked upon as an adult who is allowed to swipe her credit card for any plane ticket her heart desires, since now she can travel without permission (holler-- long story but basically the whole permission part of being a child is no longer necessary) Most days I find more reasons to love myself and the God who created me. And even more so I find new ways to heal the other ones He has made-- which ultimately blesses me more than them-- especially on days I have had espresso.

Much Love & Best wishes readers!

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