Friday, January 2, 2009

1 Corinthians 7:35

He looked at me and he slammed the tounge ring on the table. He had a very determnined look on his face like he had just figured out his entire life. He shook his head in disgust like he was dissapointed it took him this long. I tried to warn him a physical change was not what was neededwhen he stopped me:

"Kerri, I have never felt so free before. I feel like I could fly. Althought I know I can't I feel... I feel... I'm ready. I want to serve him, I want to be his not mine. I am not Dishler anymore I want to be Matthew. I am Matthew now. I never want to lose myself again. It all makes sense now, the deep desires I have tucked away for so long, the troubles I have seen, the love my Grandmother taught me. I have always known I was meant for more and this is that more. Kerri I have seen the bottom of what life could really be like. I have seen myself in the worst of situations. I have seen myself become the person I never wanted to be. This is my time to become his and I refuse to look back"

I could sense he was about to lose it, like in a beautiful I can barely stand beacuse Jesus just healed me way. I sat him down and ugggh those brown eyes. He has the biggest puppy dog eyes I have ever seen. When we met last week they were full of laughter, fun and kindness- but today, today they were determined, they were loved, today Matthew was healed.

I told him I remember the feeling, I remembered the chains but it was all on his shoulders now. I mean it isn't new to him, in that respect, he has always known God but there is a distinct differnce when you start to :::know::: God. We did a repeat after me prayer and he, as he had been doing fully for the last week, let Jesus touch the deepest parts of his heart.

We spoke a lot about how I was just a tool that God used. I feel crazy, I feel honored, I feel calm, I feel blessed- b
ut even more so I feel worthy. I feel like for once by just living my life, by just simply sharing my faith God had the chance to use me. I did what was right and I do not :::do not::: want to do anything wrong.

God, this is yours. Seriously- I mean that this time. And you know that. You know my heart, you know what it beats for... Please give me a sign :::make it obvious to me::: I will not close my eyes to a no, you know that. You know how I feel. You know what I want. I thank you for using it to test me. Because you asked me to be yours this year- and I gave you that promise and who am I to take that back? I am your child. I am your lover I am your wife. Not his. Not anyones. Yours. Thank you.

1 Corinthians 7:35
"I am saying this for your own good,
not to restrict you,
but that you may live in a right way
in undivided devotion to the Lord."