I can't sleep. I just have to explain this feeling.
I don't know when it started or if I have been acknowledging it as long as I should have, but wooo- my goodness, I can not even explain how obvious the favor of the Lord has been on me lately. For those who truly know me, know I believe I deserve nothing from Him, I always feel like I am not good enough, not surrendering enough, not the 'type' yet, however how easy do we forget- It's not about how much we love Him but how much He loves us. And literally I thank God for that. Because wooo- I honestly would be screwed it was the other way around.
God spoke over me several times that I would bring healing to wounded girls. And for the past well almost year now, have desperately wanted to Intern at Mercy Ministries. Mercy has been very encouraging and consistent with my inquires. The issue was getting the Social Work department at Brockport to accept Mercy as an appropriate internship. I have called, I have advocated. I kissed butt. This Monday I had the big decision making meeting with the field director. And trust me I have hear ::horror:: stories, countless about this interview. So knowing me, I was nervous. I was dreading this interview. To be completely honest, I doubted.
So, I walked in. Folder in hand- with that look on my face. I was determined. The field director however was light-hearted. She was pleasant, she was easy going she was not doubting. She had accepted the internship long before I set up my folder. She had accepted the internship long before I had practiced out my arguments. She had accepted the arguments way before I entered that room with that look. She accepted the internship the moment God made the plan. It was spoken by him, how could that be broken? How could I have doubted? The meeting went just... perfect. I mean I am choked up even thinking of how easy it was. Nothing at the moment in my life or hers was operating in the natural. nothing. It was so absolutely obvious God was in control. Even if I do not make it down to Nashville, God created that moment on purpose.
That same night I went to Roberts Wesleyan for an info session about their Grad School. And it just felt right. I do not even plan on applying anywhere else. Same as Brockport (granted I really wanted Geneseo at first) the Lord just brings me at peace instantly with these huge decisions. When I had got their i already knew two of the staff members and quickly warmed up to the others. God is juts so gracious sometimes.
Most importantly though, are BASIC's efforts to put on another outreach. I am heading up PR and without going into so much detail (because again I should be in bed) things are working out so incredibly amazing. Our goal was to focus on the band's Mission project. Isaiah Six is putting great efforts into the water crisis in Africa. We decided to market that for our outreach. In this time of change and great need our entire society (minus the Citibank corporates who just bought another jet) seem to be more than ever ready to help those in need. With the 'Change' campaign Obama, if nothing else, has brought a great hope back to our culture. Therefore, within two days I have been able to recruit three huge campus organizations who are more than willing to help. I feel as if God really has his heart set on this campus and with bringing the different groups together for the cause- He is going to get a lot of Glory and a lot of lost relationships brought back to Him. I no longer doubt, I know this outreach is going to surpass all of our hopes.
... it has to. We are no longer operating in the natural.
So this is a welcome post, welcome to walking in the favor. We're glad you could make it.
Isaiah 61:1-11
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Thoughts from Italy/Greece
I have so much to tell my followers about Italy&Greece, Jesus has been so evident during this trip- not to mention the Sistine chapel. oh my goodness. So here are my scattered thoughts straight from my *new* devotional:
--------------
I was sitting on the bus digging, searching, pleading for a piece of paper- even just a scrap. I almost started to write on my skin because i felt like I had so much to say, so much to express, and so much to illustrate. I never felt like an artist before. never felt like anything I had to say was not only not important but beautiful, sophisticated and loving ((however)) I believe now. I believe God gave me my words to be shared. He told me to spread the good news, to spread his love, his gifts and the inner peace. ((and I am)) Not trying, not wanting to, not wishing and hoping. I am doing that. this is not a pat on the back but a declaration. I am activated. I am part of his kingdom.
--------------
I was sitting on the bus digging, searching, pleading for a piece of paper- even just a scrap. I almost started to write on my skin because i felt like I had so much to say, so much to express, and so much to illustrate. I never felt like an artist before. never felt like anything I had to say was not only not important but beautiful, sophisticated and loving ((however)) I believe now. I believe God gave me my words to be shared. He told me to spread the good news, to spread his love, his gifts and the inner peace. ((and I am)) Not trying, not wanting to, not wishing and hoping. I am doing that. this is not a pat on the back but a declaration. I am activated. I am part of his kingdom.
-----------------
It's all about the stories to me. Life is nothing without stories. Odd enough- I don't read that much. I read my bible, but that's about it. But when Is ee a strangers face, I read a story.
I could go on and on for hours sitting in any square
just reading the expressions, movement, and flow of people.
everyone so different, yet all the same.
And I really mena that. We all desire the same things.
here I am half way across the world knowing that they desire the same things I do.
We all crave the same emotions and moments.
We all live on this earth from which we love, laugh and eat.
But we are all individuals also.
There are over 6 billion people in this world.
That's 6 billion stories to be shared.
That's 6 billion tales of love and sorrow.
I think back to the best moments of my life
and know for sure that they all dealt with stories.
((The letters in Gettysburg))
((The love at the Eiffel Tower))
((The tourist struck by lightening in Switzerland))
((The late-late nights spent at Denny's))
((The Goodbye Date))
((The hysterical trip to Alfred))
((The Ice Water Moment))
((My High School Tale))
((My 16th Birthday))
((Trip to Assisi, Delphi & Vatican))
They all began with stories.
They are all remembered as stories.
Falling in love is a story. Traveling abroad is a story.
A first date is a story. A late night is a story.
Sometimes they are written down and remembered.
Sometimes they are exaggerated by word of mouth.
Sometimes they are held dear and sometimes they are forgotten.
Some are told until they are worn out.
Some are kept secret forever.
But all are beautiful with sequence and transition.
All filled with choices and regrets.
All filled with let downs and miracles.
((Filled. All filled))
I will never be able to hear the six billion stories. Nor will all 6 billion stories ever be told.
But I do promise never to miss a chance at one and let the business of life
keep me from the gift of those beautiful untold stories.
I could go on and on for hours sitting in any square
just reading the expressions, movement, and flow of people.
everyone so different, yet all the same.
And I really mena that. We all desire the same things.
here I am half way across the world knowing that they desire the same things I do.
We all crave the same emotions and moments.
We all live on this earth from which we love, laugh and eat.
But we are all individuals also.
There are over 6 billion people in this world.
That's 6 billion stories to be shared.
That's 6 billion tales of love and sorrow.
I think back to the best moments of my life
and know for sure that they all dealt with stories.
((The letters in Gettysburg))
((The love at the Eiffel Tower))
((The tourist struck by lightening in Switzerland))
((The late-late nights spent at Denny's))
((The Goodbye Date))
((The hysterical trip to Alfred))
((The Ice Water Moment))
((My High School Tale))
((My 16th Birthday))
((Trip to Assisi, Delphi & Vatican))
They all began with stories.
They are all remembered as stories.
Falling in love is a story. Traveling abroad is a story.
A first date is a story. A late night is a story.
Sometimes they are written down and remembered.
Sometimes they are exaggerated by word of mouth.
Sometimes they are held dear and sometimes they are forgotten.
Some are told until they are worn out.
Some are kept secret forever.
But all are beautiful with sequence and transition.
All filled with choices and regrets.
All filled with let downs and miracles.
((Filled. All filled))
I will never be able to hear the six billion stories. Nor will all 6 billion stories ever be told.
But I do promise never to miss a chance at one and let the business of life
keep me from the gift of those beautiful untold stories.
-------------
(thoughts after leaving the chapel)
Thousands of visitors, millions of viewers and none of them get the same impression.
None of them receive the same message. None of them walk out with the same heartache.
I had no idea Jesus would be so present. It should have been obvious I know but it is so hard for me to see these paintings and look at art. I see the yearning on god's face and it breaks my heart. We are so effortless. All of us. Even hose of us who believe. We will never know the constant pull he has on us and how often we ignore his call. How can so many people see this and not wonder. Not even WONDER if he is real. I swear sometimes I think its a lost cause... but if he hasn't pulled that line out yet, how can I?
---------
I felt suffocated. I was listening to Kenny Chesney's "There goes my Life" about a teenage boy who finds out he is going to be a father and I felt like I couldn't breath. Does your life really end when you have a child? Why is everyone so scared to chase thier dreams? Why do i only have two friends going abroad this semester when everyone had the "chance"? I'm only twenty and I ahve been to Europe twice., Florida four times, California, Vermont, Pennsylvania, Maine, Canada to camp, gamble and to tour. I have seen IMAX movies, tasted countless kinds of ice cream and chocolate. I ahve spent nights crying and laughing with close friends. I have spent nights held in lovers arms who ahve promised me the world. I have had the rush of an entire audience captivated by me. I have had my heart broken and put together again. I have distinctivly heard from God at least three times on what it is I meant to do. I have completly lost myself in a movie plot and I have found myself in the stories of the bible. I have not yet lost a loved one, but I have lost a friendship. I have screamed my head off at the woman who hands down loves me the most. I have awed the adults around me with my dedication and dissapointed them with profanity. I have lived by the clock and have spent entire days relaxing in bed. I ahve two regrets in life that most would beg to have be it. I have kissed in the rain. I ahve lied about my age. I have drank myself to puking and I have refused to give into that addiction. I have never fully cooked a meal. I envy those who are free spirits, yet do not understand their reasonings. That is all.
------
(thoughts after leaving the chapel)
Thousands of visitors, millions of viewers and none of them get the same impression.
None of them receive the same message. None of them walk out with the same heartache.
I had no idea Jesus would be so present. It should have been obvious I know but it is so hard for me to see these paintings and look at art. I see the yearning on god's face and it breaks my heart. We are so effortless. All of us. Even hose of us who believe. We will never know the constant pull he has on us and how often we ignore his call. How can so many people see this and not wonder. Not even WONDER if he is real. I swear sometimes I think its a lost cause... but if he hasn't pulled that line out yet, how can I?
---------
I felt suffocated. I was listening to Kenny Chesney's "There goes my Life" about a teenage boy who finds out he is going to be a father and I felt like I couldn't breath. Does your life really end when you have a child? Why is everyone so scared to chase thier dreams? Why do i only have two friends going abroad this semester when everyone had the "chance"? I'm only twenty and I ahve been to Europe twice., Florida four times, California, Vermont, Pennsylvania, Maine, Canada to camp, gamble and to tour. I have seen IMAX movies, tasted countless kinds of ice cream and chocolate. I ahve spent nights crying and laughing with close friends. I have spent nights held in lovers arms who ahve promised me the world. I have had the rush of an entire audience captivated by me. I have had my heart broken and put together again. I have distinctivly heard from God at least three times on what it is I meant to do. I have completly lost myself in a movie plot and I have found myself in the stories of the bible. I have not yet lost a loved one, but I have lost a friendship. I have screamed my head off at the woman who hands down loves me the most. I have awed the adults around me with my dedication and dissapointed them with profanity. I have lived by the clock and have spent entire days relaxing in bed. I ahve two regrets in life that most would beg to have be it. I have kissed in the rain. I ahve lied about my age. I have drank myself to puking and I have refused to give into that addiction. I have never fully cooked a meal. I envy those who are free spirits, yet do not understand their reasonings. That is all.
------
Friday, January 2, 2009
1 Corinthians 7:35
He looked at me and he slammed the tounge ring on the table. He had a very determnined look on his face like he had just figured out his entire life. He shook his head in disgust like he was dissapointed it took him this long. I tried to warn him a physical change was not what was neededwhen he stopped me:
"Kerri, I have never felt so free before. I feel like I could fly. Althought I know I can't I feel... I feel... I'm ready. I want to serve him, I want to be his not mine. I am not Dishler anymore I want to be Matthew. I am Matthew now. I never want to lose myself again. It all makes sense now, the deep desires I have tucked away for so long, the troubles I have seen, the love my Grandmother taught me. I have always known I was meant for more and this is that more. Kerri I have seen the bottom of what life could really be like. I have seen myself in the worst of situations. I have seen myself become the person I never wanted to be. This is my time to become his and I refuse to look back"
I could sense he was about to lose it, like in a beautiful I can barely stand beacuse Jesus just healed me way. I sat him down and ugggh those brown eyes. He has the biggest puppy dog eyes I have ever seen. When we met last week they were full of laughter, fun and kindness- but today, today they were determined, they were loved, today Matthew was healed.
I told him I remember the feeling, I remembered the chains but it was all on his shoulders now. I mean it isn't new to him, in that respect, he has always known God but there is a distinct differnce when you start to :::know::: God. We did a repeat after me prayer and he, as he had been doing fully for the last week, let Jesus touch the deepest parts of his heart.
We spoke a lot about how I was just a tool that God used. I feel crazy, I feel honored, I feel calm, I feel blessed- b
ut even more so I feel worthy. I feel like for once by just living my life, by just simply sharing my faith God had the chance to use me. I did what was right and I do not :::do not::: want to do anything wrong.
God, this is yours. Seriously- I mean that this time. And you know that. You know my heart, you know what it beats for... Please give me a sign :::make it obvious to me::: I will not close my eyes to a no, you know that. You know how I feel. You know what I want. I thank you for using it to test me. Because you asked me to be yours this year- and I gave you that promise and who am I to take that back? I am your child. I am your lover I am your wife. Not his. Not anyones. Yours. Thank you.
"Kerri, I have never felt so free before. I feel like I could fly. Althought I know I can't I feel... I feel... I'm ready. I want to serve him, I want to be his not mine. I am not Dishler anymore I want to be Matthew. I am Matthew now. I never want to lose myself again. It all makes sense now, the deep desires I have tucked away for so long, the troubles I have seen, the love my Grandmother taught me. I have always known I was meant for more and this is that more. Kerri I have seen the bottom of what life could really be like. I have seen myself in the worst of situations. I have seen myself become the person I never wanted to be. This is my time to become his and I refuse to look back"
I could sense he was about to lose it, like in a beautiful I can barely stand beacuse Jesus just healed me way. I sat him down and ugggh those brown eyes. He has the biggest puppy dog eyes I have ever seen. When we met last week they were full of laughter, fun and kindness- but today, today they were determined, they were loved, today Matthew was healed.
I told him I remember the feeling, I remembered the chains but it was all on his shoulders now. I mean it isn't new to him, in that respect, he has always known God but there is a distinct differnce when you start to :::know::: God. We did a repeat after me prayer and he, as he had been doing fully for the last week, let Jesus touch the deepest parts of his heart.
We spoke a lot about how I was just a tool that God used. I feel crazy, I feel honored, I feel calm, I feel blessed- b
ut even more so I feel worthy. I feel like for once by just living my life, by just simply sharing my faith God had the chance to use me. I did what was right and I do not :::do not::: want to do anything wrong.
God, this is yours. Seriously- I mean that this time. And you know that. You know my heart, you know what it beats for... Please give me a sign :::make it obvious to me::: I will not close my eyes to a no, you know that. You know how I feel. You know what I want. I thank you for using it to test me. Because you asked me to be yours this year- and I gave you that promise and who am I to take that back? I am your child. I am your lover I am your wife. Not his. Not anyones. Yours. Thank you.
1 Corinthians 7:35
"I am saying this for your own good,
not to restrict you,
but that you may live in a right way
in undivided devotion to the Lord."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)