Saturday, May 30, 2009

A New Post

This is my sixth post I have started since May 14th.
I just don't know what to share.
I had a few posts about some bitter thoughts
and I have another few posts about some sad thoughts
but nothing that should be shown.
I don't feel like I am hiding or embarrassed of my emotions
just thinking those ones did not to be shared.

I have been in my home town of Elmira now for three weeks.
same ol' same.
Nothing is really beautiful to me here.
Nothing is awe-inspiring.
Just a town that reminds me of a lot of good-byes.

We visited my 96 year old great grandma last weekend and moved her out of her house she loved in for 74 years. Talk about a good-bye. She is simply the strongest, most full of wisdom and joy woman I have ever heard of. Like a character straight from the Bible.

I remember her 95th birthday and the sun was shining and she looked at me and said how happy she was that the sun was shining and she was so blessed. thats NINETY FIVE years of sunshine... and she was still thankful... One of those 'its the simple things' moments.

Another goodbye was the recent graduation at school. I didn't even go. I had a lot of friends to say goodbye to... but I just didn't want to do.. so I didn't. Only one of them really affected me, Sam. One of the three best friends I made in college. Just an absolute eyes water thinking of the solid friendship we built and how long it took me to knock down her stubborn walls. She's already doing great, like we knew she would but she'll never be two floors away again. I know things are ever changing but still just a blessing I took for granted =/

The same day Sam set off my other best came home from Italy. With tears bursting out of Jill's eyes her mom threw me in front so I would be the first thing she saw... it was the best hug I ever got. Spending four months in a foreign land changes you...

My brother just moved to Florida today... right now he is sleeping in a motel parking lot somewhere in south Carolina (dont tell my mom-she'll flip) but that was tough saying goodbye. We have such a strange relationship. I mean how can you grow up with someone for 13 years and not know a thing about them? I never really did understand the family concept... but now that I have my baby sister, my dad and stepmom... I wish I did.

I'm also having a really hard time lately with the church body... so much hypocrisy... Im disgusted. The more Chirstains I meet the less I want to associate with Chirstians. Don't get me wrong if Jesus was chillin on earth, I'd be game. But for Chirstians to be in a group with each other and just talk crap about people.... why not just hang out with non-believers?

Granted, I may put higher standards on Christians and I am simply disappointed because I am looking to be filled and I am not... but am I wrong for wanting that?

There is just a lot I have to learn.. leave it to God once I think I have finally become comfortable and "understand" the world or any of his creation for my mind to be scrambled.

I miss Brockport a lot. I love how it feels like home. I'm not ready to say goodbye to it yet... but even more so I am not ready to say goodbye to my dream, Mercy Ministries.

For those who know I have been working towards an Internship with Mercy Ministries based in Nashville TN and I have hit a roadblock.... they don't know who I am. With a few staff changes and lost of paperwork I no longer an intern. Not to be shaken, easily fixed. I recently re-applied. It only made me even more hungry for this opportunity. If Mercy is not of God's will for me I am willing to give this dream up. Let me repeat I AM WILLING TO GIVE THIS DREAM UP. but my heart is so torn. Would God give me such a vivid dream if it is not suppose to come true? Psalm 37:4 thinks not. Matthew 6:33 says I have it right. Proverbs 22:9 is ready to bless me... but I shall wait now. The application is sent out. Prayer is all I've got now.

I feel better now. I have finally expressed myself and my summer thus far. I have more thoughts but less energy. Goodnight


Kendralee* said...

ah, life.

just wanted to comment to let you know i'm "following" you (haha) and wishing/praying for God's absolute Best for you, whatever that may look like.

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