Broken Down

Scoreboard:

Enemy: 1 Kerri: 0

That is how I feel about this week.

I am physically doing everything possible to trust in God.

But... all I am reaping is less trust.

More selfishness, more discouragement, more hurt.

It's my own fault.
I'm not saying God isn't listening or caring about me.

The key was word was physically.

I say trust.. but do I really mean it?

I have been studying the word more

& I have been praying more... but trust?

Handing projects over?

Submitting to thoughts higher than mine?

And I think 'has it been this way all along?'

I have been walking with the Lord since Fall 06

& you're telling me I have been doing this

all on my own will power?

I have not given him a single once of trust?

How can this be...

thats not possible... is it?

ahhh, how magnificent He has been to me though.

God is constantly pouring His blessings over me.

There is no denying that. And in return... I fake it?

Well, I did trust Him with Mercy Ministries.

I did put that in his hands. So I know how it goes.

I know how difficult it is
to look at the sky
with one eye open,
kind of flinching your head away,
with your dreams cupped in your hand,
thinking to yourself
"can i pleassseee have these back?'

So maybe that's it.
Maybe that is what I was suppose to reap from all this.
Another lesson.
Another hard pill to swallow.
Trust.
And thats fine.
But as for now.
I'm broken. I feel damaged.
And I want you to know that sometimes
I don't really want to blog what I do.
But I feel like I have to...
like someday I'll see that girl with Brown eyes
and I'll be able to tell that she hasn't slept in weeks
but she makes her way over to me and says 'Thank you'

So I write.
I write my insecurities out in
black & white
& sometimes... that really hurts.

Like with all this distrust.
You know the first place I want to turn for help?
My phone. Facebook. Other's blogs.
I hide.
I send a text the moment a tear forms..
how ridiculous!!!
What am I so scared of?
I swear sometimes if I really let people see that
I can't do it on my own they'll leave me.
they'll....leave me.
What kind of fear is that?
I can hear the enemy laughing,
as he flips over another point on his scoreboard.
And I feel God... ache.
How is it that I have held on to this fear for over a decade now?

I remember my first personal lesson with my Pastor- PB.
He told me about rejection glasses.
And when you wear them you see everything as rejection.
Just as you put on red sunglasses
and everything you then see is in red.
Sometimes you really do get rejected and that sucks,
but since you have those glasses on- you see everything as rejection.
Like when so-so forgot to invite you to the party.
Like when your best friend had a date to the semi and you didn't.
Like when your brother got married and you're single.
Like when your Mother missed your baseball game.
Those were not meant as rejection...
but it felt like it didn't it?

I have since chucked those old glasses.
They hold no place on this temple.
And either does fear and insecurities.
Cast them out.
Because God has already spoken.
"you were made for great things"
& I refuse to stay broken.

Scoreboard:
Enemy: Forfeit Kerri: 2

And he waited...

I had a vision last night.
There has only been a few times I have been blessed with visions.
So they really mean a lot to me.

In my vision I was in my local church.
I was kneeling at the alter
I was pouring my heart out to Jesus, sobbing, singing, smiling and just enjoying His presence.
And at the back of the Church a boy enters.
He is wearing a full out tux and carrying b.e.a.utiful red roses.
He shut the door quietly so it wouldn't interrupt me.
He made his way towards the alter.
I was still focused on the Lord, not noticing his entrance at all.
At one point he went to get my attention, but he held back.
He paced back and forth a few times, but not in a rude manner.
Then he stopped.
He put the roses behind his back and waited.
I felt the words hit my heart like a dart to a cork board....

"When you're busy pursuing
the heart of God, you don't notice
who is pursuing yours"

It stopped me in my tracks. I fell right to the floor.
I met someone in December. He's great.
He's nothing like I've ever known.
He's nothing like I've ever wanted.
But he's everything I've ever needed.
Gosh, I could go on f.o.r h.o.u.r.s about how I feel about him
and the emotions that stir when I think about those brown eyes.
I want nothing more than to jump into another relationship.
Well, thats a lie. I do want more. That's why I am writing this.
Matthew & I decided about a month ago that starting on
February 15th we would only talk one hour a week
and no text messages until my Spring Break on March 15th.
That way we could break the routine of heading towards a
relationship and make sure our priorities are in line.
We obviously don't have the answers.
We have no clue what God is going to do within this month
but we need it. I want to be that girl.
I want to be so busy pursing Jesus's love,
I can't even tell if someone is longing for mine.
If a month isn't long enough, then I'll go farther.
I no longer want to be stuck in the bondage of worldly love.
& I have such an obvious way to break it and I'm going to.

So there it is. My vision, my heart, my longing.
Do with it what you will.
As for me, I'm handing it over to God.

BeReal&GetReal

.Be Real&Get Real.
That's what I have been hearing.
"He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy."
Proverbs 28:13

Alright so we all know I am rough around the edges.
And well for those who don't, I am.
I like it that way.
We are all needed in the Kingdom.
"But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body,
every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.
If they were all one part, where would the body be?
As it is, there are many parts, but one body."
1 Corinthians 12: 19-20
So people like me are just as needed, loved and fruitful
as those who are.. well simply not like me.
Let's leave it at that.


So going back to the point-
I always call it "rough around the edges"
but let's call a spade a spade as my Mother would say.
"He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy."
Proverbs 28:13


So here I go.
I am a sinner.
I have lied.
I have stolen.
I have lusted.
I have envied.
I have made idols.
I have used the Lord's name in vain.
I have dishonored my Parents.
I have disregarded a day needed for rest.
I used His giftings in sinful ways.
I have laid with boys before marriage.
I have led people in the wrong direction.
I have lived two lives.
I have used witchcraft.
I have been a hypocrite.
I have taken when I should have gave.
I have judged others.
I have made fun of others.
I have looked at my sin and shrugged it off.
I have come to a point in choosing sin and God and chose sin.
I have hated and cursed both Man & God.



The reason I felt so obliged to share this is because
I feel like Christian Culture is so hung up on sins.
I understand, "Do not let anyone look down on you
because you are young, but be an example
for other believers in your speech,
behavior, love, faithfulness, and purity."
Timothy 4:12
However, what happened to focusing on
God's Greatest Commandment:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your mind.
This is the first and greatest commandment.
And the second is like it:
Love your neighbor as yourself."
Matthew 22:37-40
Sometimes I feel so boxed in.
Like I can't breath or... or move.
I feel as if other Christians really knew how I was or
what I was really doing they would forsake me.
Why Should I hide?
Who am I helping that way?
I do not blame anyone group or person for this feeling
but still it is a hard feeling to ignore.
I do not want to be simply placed in a "do good world"
Part of what makes my ministry so strong is being able
to still connect with the world.
I do not mean that sinning is a good way
to get others to follow me.
Not at all. But if sin is to happen,
hiding it from anyone is foolish.
Or even pretending to have the same values as they do.
No, no more.


.Be Real&Get Real.
Being a Christian on a college campus is hard.
And if anyone makes it look easy- their lying.
Yes it is easy to Love God, Love His purposes,
Love his faithfulness, Love His ways.
But the discipline it takes to be in his Kingdom, not easy.
Feeling like your boxed in a "do good world", not easy.
Learning from your mistakes and moving on, not easy.
Giving up your dreams and fighting for new ones, not easy.
Allowing Him to touch the deepest parts of your heart, not easy.
It's not easy.

.Be Real&Get Real.
That's what I plan on doing now.
Whether what I am doing seems right or not-
I can no longer hide.
"He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy."
Proverbs 28:13
.Be Real&Get Real.

Reading into the Past

Last night I was lounging around with two of my bests in the dorm when we decided it would be funny if we would look into my old journals. And at first it was, I was so young, so immature. I mean we all were at that age, but as the years progressed into high school I became so shallow, so lonely, so desperate. I could not believe the words I was reading. I mean I was still a very vibrant teenager, but since I was trying to always be happy, my journal spoke how I really must have felt. And wow, was I miserable! I felt so incomplete. I was always craving more and it was disgusting how much I cared about popularity. I honestly cant say I remember it. I do not remember the tears. I do not remember the desperateness of it all. I do not remember ever not being joyful. I am glad however I wrote that down. Because it was obviously how I was really feeling. And I can definitely use it in my line of work.

What I really need to be saying though is Thank You Jesus!! It is so easy to forget all the horror he has saved you from. It is so easy to get stuck on the little struggles in our walk and forget that He has rescued us from much bigger things.... much bigger things. Plus, I have been through this Revelation before, I guess I just wanted to really publicly announce my thankfulness to My Savior. I want to thank him for all the pain he has taken from me. All the worry and all the strife He has taken for me and put upon His own shoulders. This including both the pain I have experienced and that He has saved me from before it ever happened. MmmMmmm* so good*

How wonderful is it that I never have to be that lonely little girl again? And the more I think about it- I remember her obnoxious voice, I remember her fake laugh, I remember... But I do not give in. When I hear that whisper, that -you're-always-going-to-be-alone, You-have-to-impress-them-to-be-liked, You-are-not-good-enough-on-your-own whisper I can ignore it. Because I know, I am here on purpose and that I only have one pair of eyes I have to impress.