Faith; It's what I got.

This last week has been one of my best weeks I can remember for my heart. Big worries have just fallen into place, money literally fell out of the sky, and I felt so loved.

I can tell you what I don't have. I don't have goals. I don't have self control. I don't have money to spend Iike I do. I don't have my priorities straight. I don't have many scriptures memorized. I don't know who said what about what and how God saved everyone. I don't have the knowledge of why God chose for life to be this way or why there is an enemy who literally fights for our attention and eternal place. I don't.

But what I have is faith. I just do. I walked into the worship room tonight and God was here, He is here. He held my hand and asked how I enjoyed my week. I felt my soul lift, I felt the worries fade, I felt the faith I have so long proclaimed. I have the peace He promises, I have the path He has laid before me and I have entire city full of youth searching for the love of God. What I have is Him and the chance to show them He is real, He is the King.

And I don't say that lightly. He is the King, what He says goes. That's where my faith lies. I don't have the facts... Simply because my heart speaks for me. I love Him and I don't have to know why things are why they are, I just must follow my King, my love.

Faith; It's what I got.

I feel like the one losing

When there is no joy to your holiday, fireworks just sound like gunshots. 
Emo as it is, that's how I feel.
Another holiday wasted.


This constant chaos of life, how come it never stops?
Why do we struggle to love, yet so easily hate?


Most days I am fine, more than fine, I am absolutely wonderful.
But then, there are nights like these where my skin itches with irritation, I'm bitter to the core and I don't know any better way to release the frustration than to bang on these keys. Yes, I spent time with God, and yes, I cried it out.... but I'm still upset, I'm still... I'm just at a loss. 


The sky illuminates with colors and the boom fills my house, but my hearts so empty, my head so heavy. I have no desire to enjoy it. I cry out to the God I love and He does comfort me, He does. But I still don't get it, I still hurt. 


Most days I am able to give 110% of myself away and I love that, absolutely thrive on it, but I stopped giving to the ones so close to me. It's easier to give to strangers who don't know your wounds, who don't know how to crush you with their words, they don't know your weaknesses. They just know you help, they know you care. So I give and it completes me.


It's those who know, who drain me. The ones who arrogantly take my faithfulness and run it through the grind. Its the ones who take everything I say and twist it to work for their point. It's them who hurt me... 


I hear God whisper, "forgive, for I have forgiven you. Let go for I have enabled you to. Bless for I have blessed you. Honor, for it is a commandment"  

"They don't know what they've been doing

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losing, oh no

Why do we think that hate's gonna change the heart

We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought

Pride won't let us lay weapons on the ground

We build our bridges up but just to burn them down

We think pain is owed an apology and then it'll stop

Truth be told it doesn't matter if we're sorry or not

Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound

Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

'Oh Father won't You forgive them"

-Tenth Avenue North