Are you plugged In?

I hurried to my office today an hour early to get things ready for what will always be the busy day, Tuesday. The day I have the pleasure of coordinating RLI (Real Life Issues), a group for young mothers in the city who are able to talk about their 'real life' and feel safe, accepted and loved. Attendance builds each week and so does the chaos. But a good chaos, as my boss states in our video "Change is challenging; Christ can change us". While busy typing away I noticed my computer was losing battery quickly, which was odd, since I know I plugged it into the wall first thing this morning. When it reached the 10% battery life warning I took a look. The plug was plugged into the computer, the plug was connected to the wall: but the two were not connected together. I immediately opened my Bible. A great reminder to not forget to connect to our One True power source. 

Isaiah 40:28-31  Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,   the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,   and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;   they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;   they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

1 Chronicles 16:11  Seek the LORD and his strength;  seek his presence continually!

Exodus 15:2 The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Psalm 18:32-34  the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. He made my feet like the feet of a deer  and set me secure on the heights. He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

1 Corinthians 10:13  No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

As busy as always, yet as peaceful as I allow the word to let me be-

Above all else: Love. 

Cast all your cares...

 He doesn’t love me. That is all my heart can think tonight.

I don’t know why I am so surprised.

It’s like, Kerri- hello… where have you been?

I am back at that idea of the desired to be desired.

The paradox of love and hurt.

I am starting to see why some people settle.

They cover up the pain of the last one with the next one.

Never truly feeling the loss of a relationship.

Tonight I choose to feel the loss.

Funny, most people will give you advice on how to spend your time when you feel this way. Ignore it, watch TV, go out on a blind date etc- but I have said it before and will say it again sometimes, and only sometimes, we need to allow ourselves to connect with our TRUE emotions. That is why people can become so transformed in counseling. It’s not the counselor that makes things happen, it is actually taking the time to focus on your emotions, your triggers, and what they are trying to tell you. Other times of course we do need to rise above, hand our hurt over to the God who knows all about losing relationship with the ones He loves…

I guess that is the hardest part... how to explain to someone how to “hand it over” to a God they barely know. Let’s be honest to a God I barely know…

Tonight at group I lost the girls, I could feel it- the energy was gone, they were distracted and bored with whatever I had to say… I brought back our worry basket. The idea is to write down your worries, crumble them up, and throw them into the basket. The basket is surrounded by the scripture: “Cast all your cares on Jesus, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7) For weeks we used this and gave a little different explanation every time. After hearing my spiel a few times one of my interns hit the nail on the head when she asked the ladies, pretty hard to hand something over to a God you don’t know right?... So again I ask how can I explain to someone how to hand over their “anything” to God, especially when it comes to things like loneliness, the very emotion I speak of tonight.

First, of course, we would have to have a relationship forming with God to be able to speak to Him, so the initial “sinners prayer”… Lord, forgive me for my sins, I cannot and do not want to do this life without you anymore. Let your ways be my ways, and let your plans be my plans. Give me the strength to get through the hardships I have now and peace for the ones I will endure in the future. And in all ways God make me more like your Son, whom I am eternally grateful for as I can accept your forgiveness today because He died an innocence death. Blessings and honor in your name, Amen.

Then, the Holy Spirit has to be present. Like has-to-be-. Trying to connect to God without the Holy Spirit is like… trying to listen to an ipod that has no charge. So invite Him in the room and into your heart also, although it sounds weird- He is the Holy Spirit and trust me, He gets things done. Also for that ipod to work, you’ll need headphones- something to get the music to your actual ears and inside your mind, similarly a church or good group of Christian friends can do this same thing. You must have these three parts (God of course being the ipod itself) to work.

From there… well what happens from there... you have God, the Holy Spirit, and your hurt. So.. you just start talking. Remember God is a REAL God—so act like He is RIGHT THERE, because He is. Do what you would do if it was you and your friend. I know if it was my friend, we would grab coffee and let the tears and laughs flow as we explained the dysfunctional growing pains of becoming an adult. Perhaps you journal, draw, blog, twitter your pain. Whatever, just share that with God-

Then and most importantly, as another intern reminded me of today- you have to have FAITH that God will heal your hurt, your circumstances and overall your heart. FAITH is what the Holy Spirit thrives on… so to get the charge on that ipod you must BELIEVE that the outlet you are plugging it into will actually charge the ipod. God responds to faith that’s for sure:

Matthew 17:20 “He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. "

Matthew 15:28 ‘Then Jesus, answering, said to her, O woman, great is your faith: let your desire be done. And her daughter was made well from that hour.”

Hebrews 11:1 “The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see.”

1 John 5:4 “for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.”

Lastly, I guess, yet the longest and hardest part- you must choose to continue to have that faith and not let the pain overtake you. The contradiction is sometimes yes, it’s healthy to connect to your feelings and feel what I acknowledge now as loneliness, but perhaps it is failure for you, or depression, embarrassment, etc – but you cannot stay there. You have to make the CHOICE to continually give it to God. And make right CHOICES in the direction of not filling the “void” or hurt with other things BUT God presence and to not keep running back to things that give you those worries. Examples: ex-boyfriends, drugs, spending money on things you don’t need etc etc

I think that is the best way to explain it. I wish I would not have epically failed that when I went to explain it to the girls today. But I am glad I took the time to connect to what was truly bothering me. Sure, my heart is hurting because I am remembering a loss, but I know the process of handing this over to God, I know how to worship a faithful God when my life seems faithless. But what truly hurts is not being able to communicate the hope and the drastic change that can come from handing these over to God to my girls…

Lord, teach me, help me connect them to you… send me- I say. I surrender my own wants for them to know just how good you truly are. God please… I know you are faithful and unlike him.. I know you love me.

Arise, cry out in the night.

 "The hearts of the people
   cry out to the Lord.
You walls of Daughter Zion,
   let your tears flow like a river
   day and night;
give yourself no relief,
   your eyes no rest.

 Arise, cry out in the night,
   as the watches of the night begin;
pour out your heart like water
   in the presence of the Lord.
Lift up your hands to him
   for the lives of your children,
who faint from hunger
   at every street corner...

My eyes will flow unceasingly,
   without relief,
until the LORD looks down
   from heaven and sees.
What I see brings grief to my soul
   because of all the women of my city."

 Lamentations 2:18-19;  3:49-51

One would think what I do for a living would earn enough brownie points to get some good rest at night. I deserve some shut eye-- I work hard "for the Lord". Now I would love to hear God laughing about that one. Same old Kerri, trying to earn love and attention.

Even most unchurched folk say prayers before bed. Do you know unless I am asking for something from the Big Guy I do not do that. I start off good in the morning, continuing to worship all day long, but night never ceases to be about me destressing and getting some sleep. (minus the nights I am at a worship service for hours on end)

But I know that I KNOW- God calls me to more than this. Social Work would tell me I need self-care and make sure to leave work at work and for the most part I do (surprisingly enough). But God has never been shy to let me know that my purpose is higher than that, that He requests more effort than that, that He chose me to do His work- not the worlds.

I am to let "my eyes flow unceasingly without relief". To "bring grief to my soul". To pray on behalf of those He has sent my way(1 Timothy 2:1). To use the Armor of God(Ephesians 6). To fight from victory instead of for victory(john 16:33). To be the advocate(Isaiah 59:16). To pray for the captives (Acts 12:12). To pray for the fatherless, widows, and poor (Deuteronomy 10:18).

There are many moments when God wants us to just "be" in His presence and "pour out your [love] like water" to Him, no doubt, but we must not forget we are here on purpose, for a purpose. And if you really believe there is a God, Jesus is your Savoir and their really is a heaven- you might want to rethink [like me] how much you care about people, if you are not willing to "give your eyes no rest" for them.

I know I have not stepped up to the plate in this regard, I knew it back in my Mercy days also. It's time to take this seriously. Fight for the women I encounter, like those before me did for me. God promised He would never leave me (Hebrews 13:5). Where He is there is freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17). That He hears the cries of the righteous and will answer them with justice (Psalm 34:17). That victory is already promised (Romans 8:31). That apart from Him I am nothing, but with Him I am made whole (John 15:5). I must give up my ungodly desires and control to live the full life He has for me (Matthew 10:39; John 10:10).

All in all if I, or any human service worker/minister, thinks they have a heart for the broken-- they should consider that God has never once stopped pursuing our hearts (even when we ignore and mock Him) and that Jesus not only died for us but prayed on our behalf constantly- that to me is a true sacrifice. Death is one thing [although obviously huge] but to give ones' life, such as a night of rest, on behalf of someone now that... that is sacrifice, that is love.

So arise, my friends, arise and cry out--- not only IN the city, but FOR the city.
above all else:love.

Here's to 22

In January 2011 my longest standing best friend turned 22.That same month began what would be the ultimate separation for us physically. It had come time where our paths were going to split ways and adulthood stood imminent at our doorsteps. After living in Nashville for three months I returned to live with her for two weeks as we both graduated from Undergrad. She returned home that summer, I stayed in the area and began my year long MSW program. Throughout this whole year we were separated by miles, but of course never by heart. We jokingly recall "22 was a bad year" it was the year we would never dare go back to. Although both of us accomplished big dreams, made great decisions educationally- we made some interesting choices that led to some serious heartaches, bellyaches, and hour long phone conversations. To say the least it was most definitely the year that taught us the most about oursleves, each other, faith, and how harsh the world around us can be. We kept track throughout the year of one liners that described our year and continually joked, "cant wait for 23!". We are both now half way through our year of 23 and I really feel like the tribute to 22 I always promised her is due. So this one is for you Kirsten and thanking God we are no longer 22!

• Twenty-two is watching everyone else but you get married.
• Twenty-two is having a degree but being completely broke
• Twenty-two is sorting out classmates by who's pregnant, engaged, or gay
• Twenty-two is not wearing makeup 75% of the time because it just doesn't matter anymore. Then when you do put it on, you worry the whole night that it was a waste of your time and that these people were not worth the lip gloss you just bought
• Twenty-two is at first only having time for then becoming addicted to fast food
• Twenty-two is constantly thinking life should be more fun that it is but realizing you don't have your own places to live yet
• Twenty-two is dipping into the Europe fund have been saving for years to then just buy mixed drinks at a lame bar
• Twenty-two is realizing it is way to late to change your major/career choice

• Twenty-two is becoming good friends with your exs because you are not actually mad at them anymore

• Twenty-two is realizing how much you can save on an electric bill by turning off the lights when you leave

Twenty-two is turning to a television show for your weekly dose of romance

• Twenty-two is making a resume to just get hired as a waitress
• Twenty-two is starting to realize how messed up marriages from your childhood really were
• Twenty-two is manipulating your friends to drive because you really cant afford your gas
• Twenty-two is "you guys have david bridals, I have taco bell to cope"
• Twenty-two is trying to break all the rules...  but knowing the consequences so not actually doing it.
• Twenty-two is about going to the bars with our parents more than our friends
• Twenty-two is living off of b-day/graduation money
• Twenty-two is sneaking out to see kid movies
• "Here is to 22... cheers... we won our mind games"
• "I don't actually approve of 22, making mistakes always seemed like a simple idea but it hurts other people too much..."
• Twenty-two is realizing not only do you not know anything about life but figuring out you never really did
• Twenty-two is is an identity crisis
• Twenty-two is a switch of plans you never intended but grinning and bearing it anyway
• Twenty-two is the justification of why you cant really chase your dreams
• Twenty-two is the credit card callers waking you up instead of good morning texts
• Twenty-two is a negative balance in your bank account when you really just want a dollar coffee
• Twenty-two is the zest of a new job- only to realize it is a sour lifestyle
• Twenty-two is finding faith in God because nothing else seems to hang around for long
• Twenty-two is experiencing the real feeling of being lonely: lonely as a routine. There are hundreds of people you talk to but no one who really knows you
• Twenty-two is breaking up with 'the love of your life", discovering there is a lot more in life to love
• Twenty-two is flying out to fancy hotels to meet the boy you know is going to break your heart soon enough
• Twenty-two is actually beginning to voice your opinion at the dinner table and having relatives entrust in what you are saying and valuing your opinion
• Twenty-two is feeling more so than ever the longing for something real, deep and meaningful- something worth living for and waking up to each day
• Twenty-two is internships, student teaching, coupon clipping and maxed out credit cards
•  Twenty-two is over... thank God. 

I have to say 23 has been much better for both of us. She has found herself in a great relationship where mind games and mixed drinks are not necessary. I have returned to my faith-based love and have stop aching for 'more' elsewhere. Both of us again reached significant goals and have seen some of our dreams flourish and other die.


To summarize the year I could say that three things remain: Faith, Hope, and Love and greatest of these is Love. But in our own words three things remain: Taco Bell, negative bank accounts, and friendship. Of course, the greatest of these being friendship. So here's to 23... and many years to come. 

-with you-

אלוהים הוא איתך

--->God is with you<---

And believe it or not: but that is enough.

Prophetic Board Game?

I got an interesting vision today. Have you ever played Trouble? You know that snug feeling the peg has when it is moved into the new little spot? Like it fits perfect and there is no where it can go except forward. I envisioned that for some reason tonight as I could feel my hope align again with God. What I got from this 'child-like' vision is in the game of Trouble there is no going backwards, no other roads: except straight on. The only way you can be taken away from the main path if someone lands on 'your spot' and sends you back home: to square one (which is never a good feeling). Otherwise you keep it movin'. With each turn you get closer and closer to 'home' and each step along the way just feels 'snug'. Like you are in the perfect place. Meant to be there- it just fits.

And I have to say, I love those seasons in life. When you remember nothing is an accident. When God's plan feels so 'snug' and you remember there is no going backwards with God. He is full steam and ready to go: always. Everything is outside of your control, while at the same time it is in that you find the most peace. God has a plan... *deep breath* God. Has. A. Plan.

When God is in control, life just makes sense. But you have to be intentional about putting Him in the driver's seat. That means taking to pray each day, being in community with like minded souls, submitting to Christian leadership, reading His word: EVERY day, and most importantly not only believing but acting as if you believe Jesus is the son of man and someday He will return to marry His Bride.

I am so thankful that I am now in-tuned again to His plans, that life feels 'snug' even when it is frustrating or disappointing. God is in control. I pray His plans always prosper over mine and that I am able to put my first love back where He belongs: being number one... otherwise the prophetic vision I got of the board game 'trouble' earlier, might be for other reasons.

To The Day

I have somewhat of a fascination with 'one year ago' and how much things have changed or rather sometimes how much they have not.Facebook has recently gone nostalgic on all of us and has started getting us hooked on these "this day in 2009; 2010" status reminders. Everyone I know has had quite the good time reminiscing on their sappy or quote-tastic statuses.Even without facebook's help I have a cousin, who like many in my family does not let things go easily. And tonight I took her out for a girl's night and we went to the Clubhouse Fun tonight when we realized we were at that exact spot exactly one year ago. To-the-day. However, we were not alone on our first adventure a year ago. No, no we weren't- 'flicker', as she calls him, was there before.


Little does she or facebook know where my heart was a year ago. How crazy it was to reconnect with him after years. To think, that was exactly a year ago. The scene was as such; My heart was at a turning point, God had the answer for me, I had followed his lead and began my single life and this day one year ago I sent a text that forever changed my life.. and I don't say that lightly. 


To-the-day I made the choice one year ago that I was going to chase after the wrong lover. And let me tell you it was quite the year after I made that decision. But I can write tonight from a different heart, from a different longing- I again am in more than awe of my God. I not only reminisce of good times with Him but prioritize my time with my first love. 


I laugh at the thought of when my girls say "Girl- you act like Jesus is your boyfriend" and I understand why they don't get it, and when you don't get it (mainly because you have not experienced it) it makes sense. But there is such a freedom in His presence to be had, there really is a divine romance to enjoy, there is a joy to linger in. You just have to be persistent and consistent. His word says He'll answer. And if there is one thing I have learned from this past year: His word is true, forever and for always. 

Lamentations 3:25-27 "God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times"

2 Chronicles 16:9 "The eyes of the LORD search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."

Matthew 7:7 "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you."

Deuteronomy 4:29 "But from there you will seek the LORD your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul." 

Jeremiah 29:13 "When you look for me, you will find me. When you wholeheartedly seek me."

Revelation 2:4 "But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first"

Seek Him. He answers. He is our true Lover.