Exclusively Confusing

Alright I am going to be honest-- this is one is for Kirsten.
Well no, this is one is inspired by Kirsten but for everyone who can relate to being single after undergrad when they thought for sure ring by spring was a guarantee for life. And for the sake of this post let's say single is defined by pre-engagement. With that, that leaves a lot of singles out there. I'll admit I'm new to the scene but that does not mean I don't know a thing or two. And since my reading audience varies from those who are sold out to Christ and waiting to even kiss at the alter to those who thrive on one-nighters, my list will reflect as much as I can, but I am only human.

For starters here are my thoughts on the lingo. 

• We're talking: Means there is an interest of hoping things will lead into a relationship, but the parties are trying to play it cool then. At this stage there is way more texting then actually talking by the way.
• We're going on dates: This is where the parties are testing the waters to see if the other person is worth the $10 movie ticket, but there has been no discussion of exclusiveness or relationship status. This stage is easily confused with the following label,
• We're dating: This stage is defined by a general understanding that the pair is exclusive but there has not been talk about a relationship yet.
• We're hanging out: This definition is multi-faceted but can be categorized by either casual hook ups, cat and mouse game, a denial stage where people think they can just have fun and not get their emotions tied into it, or it is an indication an insecure dater won't give up their "fall back person". 
• We're just having fun: In this slippery slope there is the belief that there are no emotions attached to the relationship.  It could mean the girl is using the boy for free mini golf or the boy is using the girl for late nights. This stage normally ends in silent heartbreak where one of the parties will deny in public but will confess to a few close friends.
• We hooked up once or twice: Depending on where you fall on the morality scale this could be meeting at a coffeehouse, making out without wandering hands, bad decisions made from shots of Tequila, or a moment of overwhelming insecurity where the facebook chat led to a midnight drive. No matter what the situation, the title means there was fun had but there is no intention of taking things further but the parties will keep each others numbers "just in case".
• We're praying about it: For the religious type this stages either includes complete silence and some fasting about the future of your relationship or it is a time of obnoxious flirting, days full of testing conversations, and minor, minor prayer. The hopes is to reach a title of "Facebook Official".
  
• We are seeing each other: Meaning each party has commited to the label "We are dating" but only does so when it is convenient during free time for both parties. This label does not account for being exclusive. 
• We are Facebook Official: Oh, boy-- that is real serious right there. Facebook status's are the new Letterman Jackets combined with those cheap-o heart necklaces everyone bought from Kmart during their high school days.
• I might bring him/her home to meet the parents: An attempt to show how serious the one party's feelings are for the other, but not serious enough where they have to visit Kay's anytime soon.... like ::anytime soon:::
• It's complicated: Let's not even get into what means.. if this is what you would describe your relationship like just move on, we are too young for this amount of drama. 

Now here are some rules for the Lady readers: 

• RULE NUMBER ONE always ask if you are exclusive. But even so know this: being exclusive does not mean you are in a relationship. However, if you are in a relationship, you really should be exclusive... let's hope that talk never needs to happen.
• The second rule pends on both the level of seriousness and in combination that it does not override the previous rule. You don't want to be the first person to ask "Where is this going", I once had a boyfriend whose response to that question was "Out the door!"
• In between the "We're talking" stage and the achievement of the label of "Facebook Official", for every two texts they send you, you should only send one.
• You should not have to initiate the good morning texts, it should be expected that they approach you first, like when people use to talk face to face.
• Keep your sappiness at a minimum until they can prove their trustworthiness. No joking with this one. We only have one heart and it is hard enough to keep it intact without men.
• I have to admit I am somewhat of a believer of "Once a cheater, always a cheater" unless there is a christain conversion, otherwise keep this as a rule of thumb. 
• If all your friends say he is crazy, then he IS crazy.
• There must always, always be at least one time you "forget to call" or make plans that have to be cancelled, our lives must not scream desperate, no matter how long it has been. 
• Unless you want to get married at and raise your children in a bar, do not try to find a date at a bar. Even with the best bar guy you most likely won't get past the less moral version of "We're hanging out"

For the Gentlemen, my thoughts on today's style of dating:

• This is not the 10th grade where my boyfriend told me he had no money after we ordered our food and his parents had dropped us off so please know that we want to picked up at our front door. A text that says "Im out front" does not count and please at least offer to pay. Each to their own on whether the girl accepts it or not.. my thoughts are we are prettier than you and that's that-- so pay up. 
• Try not finding us on facebook before you ask us our own last name, that's creepy.
• Dear Christian men, please please do not wear your purity ring on ring your fingers of either hand, it confuses us single ladies and we don't have the smoothness to figure out if you're spoken for without point blank staring.
• Let us know right off the bat how much you love/hate the conversation of marriage/babies-- kthanks. 

And that's it folks. That is today's dating in my mind. Of course my lifestyle of choice does not fit into many of these categories I can attest to wanting free mini golf and how well standing someone up works. As for now, I will let the creator of my soul continue to fill me with love and let the rest of the world figure out this exclusively confusing world of dating.

As I swept up the pieces

What do you do when something breaks? I just knocked off a precious moment porcelain doll from my dresser. It was a blond, blue eyed girl with a diploma in her hand. She was smiling ear to ear and there was hope in her eyes. My Mother bought it for me and now its smashed to pieces.

My normal reaction to when things break is to cuss. I have to admit I probably cuss the most when I drop things. Not when I am actually mad or upset but more an automatic response to dropping something. Things as simple as a binder lead me to drop a few bombs. What a weird occurrence...

Tonight I didn't swear. I didn't even budge. That precious moment was the only trinket I had out proudly displayed and now its smashed... I felt so powerless. And as I swept up the pieces and thought I can't let the irony go on this one... the smashing of my graduation, the feeling of powerlessness....

I drove a client home tonight. He told me about working the streets and we discussed how much "easier" it seems to work the streets then to follow God and do good. Broke my heart. I know it is only the first of many times that it will break. I want to just do my job and go home. Make a difference while I can, but bring them back to the hood as I travel out to suburbia. But, I am not making a true difference that way. Jesus met the fishermen on the boats and at shore... He did make them eventually leave that occupation, but He met them where they were at, even when it seemed *unsafe*

So many things rush through my mind when I think inner-city. Urban Youth. Street Life. "Why me?", is the biggest thing. I know God is glorified through our weakness and all but wow... it's like take this example you want to tell someone about Jesus but they say they can't focus because they are hungry so you feed them. After they are fed they ask you about Jesus again and you give them a Bible to read. Turns out they can't read because they dropped out of school in fourth grade. Okay, so you wonder why they dropped out of school and they tell you about their negligent parents. Then you ask what their home life is like now and they tell you the shelter they are living at, bringing it back full circle that they can't focus now because there is only so much time left to get back to the shelter to secure their spot for the night.

...so where do you start? Do you feed them, house them, counsel them, tell them about Jesus? At what point are you making a difference. Is it all just Band-aids or true healing.

It's just so much and I don't want to drop the ball and let my dreams smash to the ground leaving me wanting to cuss out the God who brought me here. Don't get me wrong deep down I know there is hope and I know there is a way and I know God will never leave me and I know that God equips us and I know He is our refuge... but man oh man this Urban Ministry is no joke. And if I walk away, how many others did also? How can we ignore what is going on just a few zip codes away? If I am scared to just drop people off- imagine what living there is like...

As usual I refer to my hope secured, Joshua 1:6-9
“Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

God- I need you on this one. I told you I'd follow where you led me and I don't want to back down from my word, so send me down some extra loving tonight, I would appreciate it. 

Dear October

Well Alright October-- I will admit it you got me this time!!!
For those who have been following for awhile will know that October always is a big month for me. God has been more present (or maybe I allow him to be) in October then any other month. It's like my life falls apart and become as white as snow just as much as the season does with the leaves.

...But you really outdid yourself this time. I thought I was going to have to do a post on how this October was different. This October nothing HUGE happened. God was of course still great and awesome but He did not have some life-pending lesson.... but ummm, nope. He just outdid himself.

I am not comfortable sharing with everyone right now what the *big news is, but just know that my head is resting much easier at night knowing my future is secure.

On a *very related but different note I have not written much about my internship lately. Most likely because I am there at the hours I normally would like to blog... like all day ((haha)). But it is only because I LOVE it so so much. So tonight, I was teaching my class on "God Given Talents" to my youth and we spent some good time in prayer and worship. All of the youth received a word from God through the leaders and my "homework" for them was to come up with 2 scriptural references on what we are suppose to do when we receive a word from God. So as a fair leader I wanted to do the same... what is it that God wants me to do with my *big October news... honestly folks- I have no clue. All I know is I need Him. I am desperate for Him. I feel unworthy, but He- He is good and He will  speak. Here is my homework:

 Joshua 1

⁶ "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. ⁷ Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. ⁸ Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. ⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Dear October, I never knew you would be the answer to all my dreams-- please, please don't let me step out of God's will.

The Facebook Struggle

Do you ever feel like the nights where your hair looks good are the nights you didn't really go anywhere?

I just saw the movie "The Social Network".

I am not here to discuss whether the movie was true or not.

But the last scene got me...

After all the court cases, after all the money, after all the success- Mark Zuckerberg (at least his fictional character) signs on to his own website (Facebook that is) and friend requests his ex girlfriend. He then obsesses over her acceptance by refreshing the page every .5 seconds to see if she had confirmed. That's it- that is how they ended the movie.

*ponders. 

I don't care how much of the movie is real- that my friends IS real.

Ughh... it is disgusting the amount of time our generation, including myself obsess over these internet sites, over being accepted, over heartaches and new fantasies. 

I am sure it has always been this way-- it's just more in your face now. It's just a button press & click away.

Just like with my hair. It's like I want someone to see that I am having a good hair day but why ...why?

I guess this post does not have much substance to it. 

More a rhetorical question that will bounce back to me in cyberspace without an answer. 

But I want to know, why do we care so much?

Why is it that even though I truly believe my heart has found rest in God that I can still care about finding love and keeping it? Or when I send a text that never gets a response? How about the ex  last night who charmed his way past me without acknowledging my existence? ((if only that poor boy knew how many times I have blogged about his rudeness))

I guess I pose such a question, not so much out of a hope for an answer but more so an indication to let others they are not alone. 

We sit here staring at our screens waiting for the slightest amount of hope to pop out at us. 

We want to be noticed.

We want to be adored.

We want to stand out yet to also fit in.

It is not like it was when we were in high school... but somehow it is.

We all want to be known, to be delighted in, to be taken care of and to have those we can care for.

I got a text after the movie from a friend who longs for love.

I am not sure he has ever really accepted himself for who he truly is but he is one of those guys that believes he will feel complete once he has a girl who does. Actually make that two guys who said the same thing tonight. Funny, how totally different lifestyles can still be calling out for the same things... anyway- the texts went something to the effect that he wanted a girlfriend to spend his birthday with and I stated how having good friends is way more worth the drama and heartache it takes to be in love. He followed with, "But sometimes I need the drama and heartache. Reminds me of how good life can be"

So I wonder.. how many folks are on facebook tonight feeling the same thing.

I mean that's why we have facebook isn't it?

To be noticed?

To share our life?

For what then?

Now, now I can hear the defenses now, sure you got it for different other ((non insecure)) reasons. But let me ask you this... why are you on it so much then? And if not facebook, why texting? why online dating? why Halo 3? why go to the bars?

We are all just lost. We are all in some way lonely. We all want a place to belong.

We all, I mean I... I just wanted to have someone see that I was having a good hair night.

A Happy Sigh

Recently a Frisbee game brought us all together

and it was like nothing had changed at all.

But then again, everything has changed...

And it will keep on changing. 

No one and Nothing is ever stagnant.

Things change. People change. Seasons Change.

It doesn't change the good times we've had.

And it doesn't change the way we care for each other.

It's funny-- I never think about high school people anymore...

for as many times I cried over it and the time I spent missing it. 

Now college is over too-- unbelievable.  Just crazy.

*smiles* but we had some crazy good times.

And although these pictures certainly do NOT account for all of those I encountered, appreciated, and miss-- they are a small testament of those I loved and still love. 

It was so nice to breath in that fall air, to let the sunshine hit my face, and to snuggle with my besties. Each one of them I have a different tie to, yet each one of them a tie to each other because of it.*sighh.. but a happy sigh. It was so nice to see everyone. 

Building Potential

You may have heard a saying once or twice along the lines of "When God closes a door, He opens a window". I am not sure this is always the case but I do encourage the optimistic viewpoint. What I do believe is going on more so is when one makes the choice to start or continue to follow the plan God has for the life they will notice that opportunities will come to them with little or not effort and things will start to fit perfectly. Following God's plan for your life feels even better and more refreshing than an early morning run, a shower after a long camping trip, a first kiss, or the first day of fall. As many of you, I have closed doors in my life, that allows for me to notice or take on the windows God has set up for me. 

Currently, I am doing my internship at Successful Pathways. A ministry under the organization of Youth for Christ (YFC of Rochester). I am the Mentor Liaison, which builds social and spiritual relationships with inner city youth who are either parenting, pregnant, or at risk for early parenting. I foster the relationship between the mentor/mentees by constant communication and hosting social events for them to enjoy and develop their relationship. Mostly, I have been doing lots of meetings, lots of networking, and a ton of phone calls. Successful Pathways also has a case management side which helps the clients with educational, financial, parenting, and everyday needs. So far I just love it.

The building in which we are located is One Favor Street, which just gets me every time. Come on' One FAVOR street-- hello?? The building use to be a host of different organizations. It was the Boys & Girls club and The Vineyard Church. It is a big building with cement walls and so much potential. There is a hard wood floor gym in which over over 400 young men play basketball every year. (this year is the first year for cheerleaders <3) Today was the first game day of the season and I was there giving tours to future donors. There were just dozens of little people running around, smiling, loving every minute of basketball and awaiting their free hot meal they get each time they come to a practice. I just loved it! I can't explain the joy it brought to my heart. The program director (while selling the program) explained what it was like for these boys to have a solid male figure in their life even if just for a basketball season. Then for this big guys to teach these kids the joy is it to follow Christ?!? AHHH LOOVEE IT!

While giving a tour to these people the words of my friend came back to me when I showed her around. She said the building had so much potential. And it does. It has so many offices, a full kitchen, a basketball court, a beautiful sanctuary, a snack bar, full parking lot, and the love of the Lord. You don't need much else that that! 

Tonight the place will be packed again with inner city youth (a little bit older this time) for the S.W.A.G Rally. (Salvation Works For All Generations). It is a youth led outreach that just tells it like it is. City life is tough, but God is tougher. 

The youth who head up that rally will hopefully be the youth that I will be soon leading in a small group focusing on encouraging them to take a leap of faith in their walk as a Christian. Revolving around the scripture "Let no one look down on you because you are young"-- they will be empowered in knowing God has already equipped them to influence their peers. I believe God brought me to this place to continue to build the potential the youth already had. And I am so excited! It is like I have arrived. Although I know we never stop growing or learning from the Lord, I am at a safe place. I can begin to ACTUALLY pour out all He has fulfilled me with. 

Outside of the internship I am busy with school work. I am hoping to learn as much as possible this year as it is my last year of formal schooling. Crazy, right?? I never feel like I have time. I reallyyyy don't understand how people do this with a job or a family. It is just crazy. I have to keep reminding myself that soon I will be out on the job hunt. My supervisor the other day gave me a business card holder, knowing that I would be meeting a lot of people and networking is key. Ah, networking. Even in the Christian realm it is an important thing. Again, you build your potential in the city with the more people know who you are. So far, I feel a little behind but maybe by the end of the year someone (important) will know who I am.

Well, anyways that is life thus far into the semester. Four weeks down, eleven to go. Then fifteen more altogether. A licensing exam and that's it-- I'll be an LMSW. Whoop Whoop. 

One last thing, don't think I have moved on from either Mercy Minsitries or TWLOHA  (To Write Love On Her Arms). I am still very involved in keeping these non-profits going, while at the saem time starting to dream about my starting my own someday <3 Check out these recent Mercy posts. (The last 4 girls were my girls) (24 girls Baptized!)

Because I Want to Say Goodnight

Tonight I find myself wondering if I made the wrong choice...
I miss him, dearly.
I am writing tonight on here so I don't text him and say goodnight.
It's not that I don't want to say it or feel he deserves to hear it but- it is no longer my place.

The whole single thing is not the problem, I enjoy the extra time, emotion and feeling of me-ness, but I miss him.

You probably wonder how long has it been. Well the last time I saw him was yesterday and the last time we talked was about 7 hours ago. Pathetic right? I know, but it's not the same. He's not mine anymore. And for as much as I still want him to be that, I don't. He deserves to be happy, really happy. He deserves someone who will be content with where he is at and where he wants to go-- not someone continually trying to make him and us better. He deserves someone who will just let him be. 

I don't know if it is because he has been such a big part of my life for three years or because besides a few high school friends he has been the longest friendship and especially longest relationship? Or is it because he could instantly make me laugh or call me out on being sad? Do I miss him because his kiss makes my heart stop or because I want to be kissed?

It does not take me long to remember that without him I may have never had enough courage to go to Tennessee and for that I am very grateful. But, he wasn't always perfect and there were times when I was dying to hear something and his silence would literally break my heart. But what about those times we drove around the countryside and just enjoyed each other?

If I allowed myself to continue to say goodnight to him my heart would never learn to live without him. I would never truly move on and I would never give him the opportunity to find someone better suited.

So tonight I will say goodnight in the simplest way I know possible, by prayers. It is my prayer that both of our hearts will be made whole by the God who created them. It is my prayer that both of our individual passions will begin to burn more brightly as we learn to take chances on our own and seek God's face for our individual future. I pray that god would use this relationship, the lessons we learned, and the people we impacted for the good of his kingdom and for the good our lives. And I pray, especially for tonight, that God would wrap his father arms around me and let me know I can do this, and with Him that I am never alone and never forgotten. I pray that God's love would overwhelm the two of us that heartache would cease and that joy would overflow. I pray for peaceful sleep and a pure heart to greatest the comforter known to man, God, my father.