You've Been on my Mind

I was in the office. Seemed like a regular day; then I got the phone call.

One of Dad's best friend had taken his own life :::tragedy strikes:::

In those moments who do you call? When your knees get weak and you know you can't be alone. Since this was over a month ago- I called him. And as he drove me to my hometown I played Adele's "One and Only" over and over again. Holding back some tears, then at other times letting them go. The way she throws her soul into the music was the exact 'real-ness' I needed at that moment. 

Now you'd think this would be a post about tragedy. Or God's goodness through the pain- perhaps ::triumph:: But alas, it is not. This post, as with all the others, is about being lovesick.

He's been on my mind. And no (thank heavens) it is not who you are thinking. The boy driving the car was only an instrument to remind me how much I love being in love... with the man who CREATED love. 

I am God's one and only. He always has me on his mind. 
(that goes for you as well-ya just have to believe it)

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3)

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17)

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15)

Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever (Psalm 136:26)

How precious to me are your thoughts towards me, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand. (Psalm 139:17-18b)

God's goodness through that tragedy (and other letdowns that week) were just overwhelming. This life is hard, it really sucks at times (no doubt) and NONE of us like to do it alone. One of the saddest sights to me is to see a lonely person. Whether they are 13, 39, or 93. Being alone, feeling isolated, neglected or as desperate as my Dad's friend must have been... is just indescribably painful to my heart. 

But to know we can do life with God, to never be alone- ever is literally the best security one can have. ((Deut. 31:6)) Once you enter into that RELATIONSHIP with God you'll listen to songs like Adele's "One and Only" and be able to move past the guy driving the car and instead hear God whisper the lyrics into your heart.

"You've been on my mind

I grow fonder every day,

lose myself in time just thinking of your face

God only knows why it's taking me so long

to let my doubts go

You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before

Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,

You never know if you never try to forget your past

And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only

Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms

So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can

Walk that mile

Until the end starts

Have I been on your mind?

You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time

At the mention of my name, will I ever know

How it feels to hold you close

And have you tell me which ever road I chose you'll go"

When 3am knocks..

Hello Blogworld! To preface all this, since I am trying to stick to a budget, I still do not have a smartphone. However, I plan to by the end of summer. With that I know I will lose the information I have on my current phone. I was looking at all my locked texts thinking- hey these are some real emotions, I really want to save these. All of these 'texts' were notes from myself when my phone was more conveinetly located than a pen and paper. For example most of the quoted ones are from sermons where I forgot a pen or coffee house chats with friends. As for the others well.. almost all of them were written at 3am laying in my bed this past year. The first year living semi alone after being in a dorm for years.  

Some came to me like a kick in the gut that would awake me and give me a feeling of urgency to remember what was just whispered into my heart. These ones I sometimes didn't even realize I texted until the next morning (thank you Holy Spirit). Others were from two different heartbreaking moments where you find yourself waking up in tears in the early morning, knowing you must seem like a fool to the rest of the world hurting so much, but at the same time knowing it is healthy to grieve a lost relationship. (and 3am may or may not be the only time I am still enough to do so). So alas, here they are. Simple nuggets of thoughts, wisdom, or quotes I wanted to keepsake.

June 10th, 2010: "How can she possibly know him, when she does not even know herself"

June 11th, 2010:  Don't settle, don't compromise, don't even try to make an exccuse- it's either meant to be or it is not. Do not not work through anything but don't think everything should have to be worked on either. He is either the man you want to marry, someone you can inspire to be that man, or he is not. Stop wasting your time, efforts, beauty, and love in a worldly sense. Fall in love with God, fall in love with you and the right man chase you

July 5th, 2010: "What is it about yourself that you believe that is so bad? That does not allow you to be alone. Where is the root? You need accountabilty and those to hold you up in those moments of weakness"

"Those who won't let you compromise, know how good you are"

'Learn from this. You can for pay for education instead of just paying for a mistake"

July 6th, 2010: The easiest person to lie to is yourself. It is not humanly possible to act the way we do and be with someone so much and not grow attached. It is all a choice. You choose to fill your void the way you do, even if it is subconsciously. You have to be your own heart's best friend- if you don't care for it: no one else will.

July 16th, 2010: It is hard to heal others' broken hearts when you are worries about your own.

August 15th, 2010: The question has never been do I love you enough to stand by- but it has always been: am I suppose to stand by. And the answer I got was no. So I had to surrender what i loved more that anything else in this world. Not just you- but the idea of you, of us, of growing old and getting rich. The front porch and the back deck. The country road with an airplane runway. It was knowing all the time I spent dreaming, thinking and worrying were wasted... but only in the sense of they will never come true now... but then wasted because they were real. They were real hope. They were realistic hopes. They were ours. Now there will never be an us like we imagines. Somehow us will always be- even if it is only used in the past tense from now on. I always wondered what it would feel like to let someone go, to let yourself go- to let the dreams subside. And here it is the end of us. The end of an elongated romance, a pursuing, a battle, a love, and although I know that means there is too a beginning to be had, to be celebrated and longed for that is not where my heart is and where it has been. It has been with you, recklessly abandoned in your arms. And before I gave it over to you, it belonged to you. I kept it as hidden as I could until your gentleness overtook me, your words calmed me and your love convinced me that this was it- this is where I belonged and I handed you my heart. holding my breathe, hoping you would know hot to treat it right and to do so out of the goodness of your heart. I wanted you to teach me... teach me everything. I wanted you to shoe me, show me what it is to love, to dream, and to be a child of God. I wanted this to make sense and someday I know it will. not just because it sounds nice, but because I believe God has a purpose and a someone for each of us and this is only to better our lives with Him. That is the hope anyway... So to us- the us we use to know and be. The us we never thought we would lose and to the us we unfortunately have to become. Let it be the best us we can possibly be after being the best us we already were

August 15th, 2010: I have known that love is a commitment and not a feeling, but it was not until the lovesick feeling was gone that I had to ask myself... am I committed?

When the shiny armor begins to rust and the white horse was only a rental- reclaim your dreams for the Lord!

August 23rd, 2010: If we do it for them they will lose their sense of manhood. They have to pull it out within themselves or they will always feel inferior and be missing a crucial part of their strength. We are meant to be encouraging and inspiring, but if we are the only thing they inspire for or the only one whispering 'I believe in you'- they will lose faith in themselves to be able to do life without you. Then out of fear they will pull away from you in hopes they can be who they are meant to be: a man strong enough to hold themselves and their family (including you) up. You must let the Eagle peck its way through the egg in order for him to survive the real world.

October 17th, 2010: There is nothing more amazing then when a man swallows his pride and fights for you- instead of with you.

February 5th, 2011: Don't act like you care now. You basically packed my bags for me. Don't act like you don't want to lose me when you are the one who used me.  After all this time I waited for you to show you cared... don't act like you do now. That is just not fair. As soon as I got the strength to say goodbye you want to come act like you never lied. As soon as I am about to leave my key, you reach your hand out to me. Don't. Don't act like you care now after all the damage you have done. I can only take so much. So don't play games with my heart. Just as I reach the door you reach your hand out to me... don't act like you care now. 

February 11th, 2011: It is about commitment to God. Unwaivering. Things can go wrong but you are committed.

February 13th, 2011: Do not get caught up being a hostess for the world, when you are really a host of the Holy Spirit.

February 21st, 2011: How can I look at you knowing you do not care about me and still decide to give my heart away. Worship is what you give your heart away to... why do I worship you?

February 25th, 2011: If only you knew how deep your kiss cut into my heart. If only you knew the time I wasted thinking of scenarios that will never come true. If only you could see how often I foolishly check my phone to see if you have contacted me. You have invaded my thoughts, you have calloused my heart. I hate that i care for you. I fonally get the country songs that say 'go ahead and lie to me' .. it just feels right.

February 27th, 2011: Again I ask you, how can you know and not care? Do your part to free the hurting. 

March 14th, 2011: Staying in a relationship you know does not work is showing you have no faith that God can provide you better. You are trying to control the circumstances, when all along he has something better for you.

March 25th, 2011: I would like to say this has been fun... but it hasn't.

April 23rd, 2011: It is like you have intentions to bring me a rose garden, but all you have done is plant thorns

A part of love is you want someone to see beyond the you- you show everyone else. You want them to see what it is that really makes you, you and tell you you are just as amazing as you were always hoping you were. You let them into those intimate places you never knew if you would share with anyone else. You let your guards down and ... they leave with a piece of you

June 19th, 2011: "The world 'fixes' people, God frees them"

 "God wants to use you from an early age and He does not want you to be ministering from a broken heart"

June 25th, 2011: The world will constantly be telling you 'you are not good enough'; While God can't stop telling you how madly in love with you He is.

If Jesus had a facebook status; it would tell the world how crazy He is about you.

June 28th, 2011: When it came down to it I gave it my best. But sometimes in life there are more important things than romance.

July 1st, 2011: "2+2= yellow. It all adds up, you just have the answer wrong"

Redefining Hypocrite

He would have told you in a heartbeat I was a hypocrite.
Just the type of Christian he despised.
And I would have hung my head and silently died on the inside.
The dictionary defines a hypocrite as: "a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion//a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings"
And, I got to thinking... I never pretended I was something I was not and I never hid my true feelings. In fact, if anything I spoke about too much if anything-- ask my friends!

I don't preach a gospel about perfect people who meet up on Sundays to brag about their good works... I have always spoken about broken people created by a perfect God who have chosen to have an unmatched-unbelievably sustaining- relationship with their Savoir. That one word enough speaks of us needed to be 'saved'.

Guilt is not of God. Did I do some stupid things? Yes. But they were not stupid because they contradicted my "religious beliefs" -- they were stupid because they distanced me from the true Lover of my soul. I couldn't hear his soft whispers as I let this man fill my mind with flirtatious thoughts. I missed all the joy of His creation as I stayed up too late and awoke too early all to enjoy his company instead of His. 

But I won't regret it. Not only was what I felt real (as written in the urgency post) but again it only led me to understand how much I LOVE GOD. He is not a part of my life, HE IS MY LIFE. I *refuse* to feel guilty.

In this whole "struggle" or what I would like to call human nature- the desire to be desired- I heard God whisper, 'It is no longer about the battle of good versus evil; Love won that one years ago. It is about choosing to use the right weapons and believing in the victory.' It is time to pick up that good book and redefine this whole hypocrite thing.

///the grey scale of desire\\\

If there was ever a time I needed to say goodbye. This would be it.

The question, 'What do you want?' seems so simplistic, so rationale, familiar, common and answerable. The question nowadays means none of those for me. We stood in the doorway of his apartment months ago ((months ago)) and he asked me two questions: 1. what do you want and 2. what do you need.


The answers differed greater than black and white. I guess that is what I am looking for-- some sort of grey. And well, I guess I have found it. To be lukewarm for the Lord and compromise in my righteousness and formed me the perfect swirl of grey. I thrive on circumstantial happiness, while serving a God of everlasting joy.


The hardest part for me to grasp in all of this is how ::faithful:: God is in the midst of my compromise. Are you readers sick of hearing that? Because I should be sick of writing about this. Compromise, compromise, compromise. But somehow it has led me to grow my roots deeper, my faith has become real-er, and my desire to know God has grown. ((weird, right?))

It is almost humorous now being in ministry, knowing all I do about the Lord and still choosing not to do my daily devotionals. Like I get phone calls daily about *big issues*. ((abortion, rape, homelessness)) and yet I can't stop and take a moment to talk to God? I have been consistently in the word (ptl) but that's not enough. What about good ol' communication with the Lord- where has that been?

Regardless, the point I have been trying to make is I need to get a grip and listen to anything but my heart ----->
The words goodbye need to happen and happen quickly and for good. The sad part is this is no ones fault but my own. I am the one who CHOSE to give my life for a higher purpose, I *chose* to work with broken wounded girls and promised I would love on them and fight on their behalf in both the physical and spiritual world. And the last thing my girls need is another person proving they are not 'good enough' without a man or base their worth on words of affirmation from a guy. They need, ((and I have been called to be)) a woman of grace, wisdom, and power from God.

The good news is it is not like it is too late or I have been given my last chance: the love and power of the cross knows no limits. No matter what you do "nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" ((romans 8))

So yet again another rant from 'Above all else' that speaks on the ::desire to be desired:: and the heart of a young women madly in love with the Lord and the idea of worldly love. I have seen myself grow too much, work too hard, and succeed rightly to live in the comfort of grey. It's just not worth it; What I want and what I need- need to start lining up. 

Lost in the Maze of Religion and Fear

Sometimes dreams make sense and sometimes they don't. I know many a folk who think nothing of their midnight visits from storyland and I know others who live and breathe on them as if each one was a secret message from God. If I was to be somewhere on the spectrum I would say closer to the latter. This morning I had a dream that meant something. It was almost like my subconscious was like 'Okay we're like real sick of this and even though you already woke up for the day we need you to see this!'

As I drifted back to sleep around 9:30am (oh yeah, be jealous) I found myself somewhere in a parking lot yelling over to my father. I was going on about how he didn't care about me (don't be fooled this is not the truth within the dream as when I woke up from my dream my dad had already sent his daily 'luv u, miss u' text). Back to the parking lot I found myself outside of work  and one of my co-workers met me outside and wanted to let me know his church didn't support me because... Although the words were never said I felt in my heart 'it was because I was white and too inexpereinced'. Once inside the building I found a Catholic mass going on blocking all the ways I would get to my office. The congregation was only old folk and ironically an Uncle of mine who went to Seminary-- As the Nun spoke- it was very clear I was disrupting the whole service and was asked to leave. Throughout the building everything looked like it was ready to be set for an afternoon party and it seemed as if no one cared to help set up. They all just lethargically stood there. No purpose, no drive, just in the lobby of the church barely mingling. I rushed throughout the building trying to make things work and again the mass kept getting in my way- I couldn't get to anything I needed. The last thing I remember feeling before I woke up is I am so sick of being caught in this maze of Religion and Fear.

...excuse me what? Where did this come from? I mean everyone knows I am have some simple fears about the new job, but those are valid fears. I really don't know anything about the city, ministering to youth, or case management. And what about the religion? Where is that coming from...

I sat up and looked at my girlfriend's stack of books and knew I needed God to minister to me. For some reason I didn't go for The Bible, I found myself immediately reaching for a book I had never seen before Nice Girls Don't Change the World  by Lynne Hybels. What a perfect moment God had me in, He shook me out of sleep and out brought my worries right to the front and in turn handed me words of truth. Sounds like our Amazing Father, doesn't it? Quotes from the books are as follows:

"Don't allow who you truly are to be lost, buried, or devalued. What is in you matters. What is most truly you matters. You have learned lessons, experienced pain, known joys, and gained a perspective nobody else has. You have an answer to the world's needs that is yours alone" (p. 63)

"A third thing I have learned about a good woman is that she sings her dong even if she's terrified. Whatever she's called to do, she does it, even if she's so scared her voice breaks, her hands shakes, and her stomach aches. She doesn't let fear stop her." (p. 65)

""Of course, fear went too and told me that every talk I had written was terrible. Every afternoon before I spoke I had to say to fear; 'Just be quiet. God has called me to do this and I'm going to trust God'" (p. 73)

"Fear always hides the truth, Fear magnifies our weaknesses and it hides our potential. Only God knew the real me and the path I needed to be on."  (p. 76)

"When fear says, 'what have you gotten yourself into now?' I say, 'I think I've gotten myself into the will of God and I am not going to back down.' When fear says, 'You are not smart enough, experienced enough, or strong enough to do what you are trying to do,' I say, 'Well, I serve a God who specializes in using people as flawed as me, so you might as well give up.'" (p. 77)

Sounds like just what I needed to hear right? A gentle reminder again that is saying 'HEY GUESS WHAT?! You can't earn God's love-- sorry baby girl- no can do.' But the book also added the much needed slap across the face that screams 'HEY, I made you this way on purpose remember? Don't you think I know what I got you into? Don't you know my perfect love casts out fear? Have I not told you? Be STRONG AND COURAGEOUS!'

I just absolutely love the way she ends the book. She speaks about getting out of her depression by choosing to take risks and stand up to fear- which is obviously powerful but what she ends the book with just gives me chills. The main thing needed to do so? A group of women, encouraging her and living life with her. She quotes: "I needed women to grab my hands and say 'Let's pray about this'. Then I needed women to tell me to rent a silly movie that would make me laugh hysterically. I needed women to say, 'You have gifts, and you feel strongly about certain things, and we are not going to let you withdraw from life. You need to show up!' Then I needed women to say, 'Lighten up! Celebrate! Go shopping and add a little color to your black wardrobe.' I needed women to say, 'Who you are is okay, and we love you for it'. I still need that." (p. 86)

mMmMMmm... Thank you Lord for this relaxing morning, and for the much needed reminders and reassurance. I pray that you will bless the women in my life that are those things for me. I pray that I will be able to turn fear down when he tries to speak and I ask that you pour favor and love over what is being done at YFC and we would all know that we cannot earn your love. Yet we can REST in it.

the urgency: it will always be there

If anyone is a faithful follower of this blog you will know two things: 1. I have not been writing nearly as much as I use to. 2. Somehow One Tree Hill inspires me to write.

Earlier today I received a text from a hometown friends inquiring about my lack of blogging. I honestly did not have an answer for him. It makes me laugh so hard reading my last post. Praise the Lord so much has changed since then. God has won the battle for my heart-- you may ask: what's new right? Well- what's new is I can honestly say that I understand the scripture-- Philippians 3:8: "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ".

Nothing compares to God's love. Nothing on this earth can bring enough-- e.n.o.u.g.h anything. A man promising forever will never bring enough security. Enough money will never bring enough happiness. Having the right things, education, career, mission statement, or outfit will never bring enough acceptance. And those are not just words you can read and believe, it is something you have to experience and cling to.

And guess who already wrote about this? Well I wrote about the beginning stages of God blocking my paths to other securities. Then I broke through to those securities anyway.. and afterwards God, being both gentle and stern, says 'was it worth it Kerri?'. He knows the answer is no... only He is worth it. I wrote on my status the other night "It’s a beautiful misery falling in love with God. It’s like you have access to everything you've ever wanted-- but nothing in this world can satisfy you... except Him." A lot of friends didn't grasp what I meant--but I do, I actually get it now.

"You are good, You are good

When there's nothing good in me

You are love, You are love

On display for all to see

Oh, I'm running to your arms,

I'm running to arms

The riches of your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign"

-Hillsong

With that being said, my second thought comes to this. The world will never be enough, yet it does not make the feelings we have in it not real. Should we act on them all? No. Do they give us insight into what parts of us need fulfillment in God still- absolutely. And our feelings 'feel' so real and urgent don't they? Have you ever sat up waiting for a text from someone that seems so absolutely important at that time? Have you ever screamed at someone in hopes that they would actually pull you closer? Have you ever brought harm to yourself physically or emotionally because at that moment it truly feels like life is never going to get better? We are so controlled by our emotions, impulses, and chemical reactions to pleasure and pain.

What really gets me though is our unwillingness to let go of emotions of the past. Now, I won't get real deep on this (although I could) how bitterness, unforgiveness, and false hope kill a soul (prov. 14:30) but more so the idol-ness we have for the good memories. The "one love" who got away. The baseball championship. The good ol' days. Something One Tree Hill will never let me forget. As I let the world slip away tonight and actually *relaxed* meaning I didn't do side work while hanging out with people or watching a movie- I remembered how real things felt at seventeen. Just as inspiring as my time with God now, was the emptiness that drew me near Him. Think about it, even the professional marketers know seventeen is where it is at. Where our emotions are raw, our impulses drive us to actually cave into those unnecessary advertisements, and there is a huge void needed to be filled- 

Last year I wrote this "Then there is the last day of my high-school career. We sat on the hood of my '93 and he gave me a guitar pick necklace. He made it. It was cheap. But I knew he cared. And I knew somewhere out there, there was :::real::: love. Unconditional love and I was going to find it." Now, I did find that love and it was not from the boy sitting on that hood-- and I am unbelievably grateful, content, and just overjoyed. But I also can't deny that life seems so real in the moment. That somehow memories don't fade entirely and if we let them, the emotions tag along for the long haul. Said best by P. Sawyer (and previously quoted on here before)

"Dear Molly, this is gonna sound a little strange but I'd like you to paint over my old closet door. The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself... make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface. Love Peyton."

As for now it is time for bed- Keep it real and above all else: Love.

And so I chose

This has been the longest time I have gone without blogging since 'above all else:love'  creation in 2008. It is not that the end of March and all of April had nothing to say, I was just too ashamed to say it. Which is also ironic ((for real)) because this is also the most blessed harvest season I have ever had.

My life is completely different now. I begin work full time as the Program Coordinator of Successful Pathways of YFC on May 9th. I moved into a beautiful city apartment this past week. I am living with my her. I am graduating from with my MSW this weekend. And I chose to give my heart away.

In the most blessed season of my life, the very moment God and I were beginning to celebrate entering the most exciting chapter of our relationship-- I chose to give my heart away to someone else.

He has been around for awhile. Technically a long while since our first kiss was in high-school, but this year he has been in the picture since January. At first we were old friends- sure I thought he was great but not only was he younger than me, his life reflected nothing close to God's glory. For the month of February I listened to God's prompting to remove him from my life. However, in typical Kerri coping I pulled away altogether physically but instead of releasing my desire for him, I held on emotionally. Then in March everything changed. We both knew we had began to fall. So what about April then, why do I have no link to post with it? Well, I kinda did what I wanted. I fell into my old habits, I let him romance me and began to "need" God less and less.

I am not saying I am a lost cause or he is an idol in my life-- but I did choose and I can't honestly say it was the best one. I really thought I was going to be single a lot longer than this. I really thought my next guy would be a pastor. I really thought I was stronger than this. But then there is the feeling I get when I am with him. I feel young again. I feel so incredibly beautiful when he looks at me, its overwhelming. When I see him, I see hope of what could be. I feel safe and secure. I know it is okay to be honest and be the true me. And yes this is all great and all, but didn't I already have this in God? For real though, I did. I mean I still do, but having someone physically here is just that much easier and ((more fun)) to some extent.

So where do we go from here? Normally I end my blogs with some great scripture reclaiming my dreams for the Lord... but tonight I just wanted to be honest. I had to let you know where my heart has been. Seeing my choice written out in black and white brings my heart so much unrest, yet when I think of our last date I am left smiling.


Here I am a simple girl truly been saved by the grace of God, yet still desires to be desired. This is the struggle-- fulfilling myself elsewhere when I have experienced the goodness of grace. This is not about me feeling guilty because I 'should' be doing something the church told me. This is about me knowing and have already experienced a love that does not need a substitute, yet still choosing to allow one into my life.