Here's to 22

In January 2011 my longest standing best friend turned 22.That same month began what would be the ultimate separation for us physically. It had come time where our paths were going to split ways and adulthood stood imminent at our doorsteps. After living in Nashville for three months I returned to live with her for two weeks as we both graduated from Undergrad. She returned home that summer, I stayed in the area and began my year long MSW program. Throughout this whole year we were separated by miles, but of course never by heart. We jokingly recall "22 was a bad year" it was the year we would never dare go back to. Although both of us accomplished big dreams, made great decisions educationally- we made some interesting choices that led to some serious heartaches, bellyaches, and hour long phone conversations. To say the least it was most definitely the year that taught us the most about oursleves, each other, faith, and how harsh the world around us can be. We kept track throughout the year of one liners that described our year and continually joked, "cant wait for 23!". We are both now half way through our year of 23 and I really feel like the tribute to 22 I always promised her is due. So this one is for you Kirsten and thanking God we are no longer 22!

• Twenty-two is watching everyone else but you get married.
• Twenty-two is having a degree but being completely broke
• Twenty-two is sorting out classmates by who's pregnant, engaged, or gay
• Twenty-two is not wearing makeup 75% of the time because it just doesn't matter anymore. Then when you do put it on, you worry the whole night that it was a waste of your time and that these people were not worth the lip gloss you just bought
• Twenty-two is at first only having time for then becoming addicted to fast food
• Twenty-two is constantly thinking life should be more fun that it is but realizing you don't have your own places to live yet
• Twenty-two is dipping into the Europe fund have been saving for years to then just buy mixed drinks at a lame bar
• Twenty-two is realizing it is way to late to change your major/career choice

• Twenty-two is becoming good friends with your exs because you are not actually mad at them anymore

• Twenty-two is realizing how much you can save on an electric bill by turning off the lights when you leave

Twenty-two is turning to a television show for your weekly dose of romance

• Twenty-two is making a resume to just get hired as a waitress
• Twenty-two is starting to realize how messed up marriages from your childhood really were
• Twenty-two is manipulating your friends to drive because you really cant afford your gas
• Twenty-two is "you guys have david bridals, I have taco bell to cope"
• Twenty-two is trying to break all the rules...  but knowing the consequences so not actually doing it.
• Twenty-two is about going to the bars with our parents more than our friends
• Twenty-two is living off of b-day/graduation money
• Twenty-two is sneaking out to see kid movies
• "Here is to 22... cheers... we won our mind games"
• "I don't actually approve of 22, making mistakes always seemed like a simple idea but it hurts other people too much..."
• Twenty-two is realizing not only do you not know anything about life but figuring out you never really did
• Twenty-two is is an identity crisis
• Twenty-two is a switch of plans you never intended but grinning and bearing it anyway
• Twenty-two is the justification of why you cant really chase your dreams
• Twenty-two is the credit card callers waking you up instead of good morning texts
• Twenty-two is a negative balance in your bank account when you really just want a dollar coffee
• Twenty-two is the zest of a new job- only to realize it is a sour lifestyle
• Twenty-two is finding faith in God because nothing else seems to hang around for long
• Twenty-two is experiencing the real feeling of being lonely: lonely as a routine. There are hundreds of people you talk to but no one who really knows you
• Twenty-two is breaking up with 'the love of your life", discovering there is a lot more in life to love
• Twenty-two is flying out to fancy hotels to meet the boy you know is going to break your heart soon enough
• Twenty-two is actually beginning to voice your opinion at the dinner table and having relatives entrust in what you are saying and valuing your opinion
• Twenty-two is feeling more so than ever the longing for something real, deep and meaningful- something worth living for and waking up to each day
• Twenty-two is internships, student teaching, coupon clipping and maxed out credit cards
•  Twenty-two is over... thank God. 

I have to say 23 has been much better for both of us. She has found herself in a great relationship where mind games and mixed drinks are not necessary. I have returned to my faith-based love and have stop aching for 'more' elsewhere. Both of us again reached significant goals and have seen some of our dreams flourish and other die.


To summarize the year I could say that three things remain: Faith, Hope, and Love and greatest of these is Love. But in our own words three things remain: Taco Bell, negative bank accounts, and friendship. Of course, the greatest of these being friendship. So here's to 23... and many years to come. 

-with you-

אלוהים הוא איתך

--->God is with you<---

And believe it or not: but that is enough.

Prophetic Board Game?

I got an interesting vision today. Have you ever played Trouble? You know that snug feeling the peg has when it is moved into the new little spot? Like it fits perfect and there is no where it can go except forward. I envisioned that for some reason tonight as I could feel my hope align again with God. What I got from this 'child-like' vision is in the game of Trouble there is no going backwards, no other roads: except straight on. The only way you can be taken away from the main path if someone lands on 'your spot' and sends you back home: to square one (which is never a good feeling). Otherwise you keep it movin'. With each turn you get closer and closer to 'home' and each step along the way just feels 'snug'. Like you are in the perfect place. Meant to be there- it just fits.

And I have to say, I love those seasons in life. When you remember nothing is an accident. When God's plan feels so 'snug' and you remember there is no going backwards with God. He is full steam and ready to go: always. Everything is outside of your control, while at the same time it is in that you find the most peace. God has a plan... *deep breath* God. Has. A. Plan.

When God is in control, life just makes sense. But you have to be intentional about putting Him in the driver's seat. That means taking to pray each day, being in community with like minded souls, submitting to Christian leadership, reading His word: EVERY day, and most importantly not only believing but acting as if you believe Jesus is the son of man and someday He will return to marry His Bride.

I am so thankful that I am now in-tuned again to His plans, that life feels 'snug' even when it is frustrating or disappointing. God is in control. I pray His plans always prosper over mine and that I am able to put my first love back where He belongs: being number one... otherwise the prophetic vision I got of the board game 'trouble' earlier, might be for other reasons.

To The Day

I have somewhat of a fascination with 'one year ago' and how much things have changed or rather sometimes how much they have not.Facebook has recently gone nostalgic on all of us and has started getting us hooked on these "this day in 2009; 2010" status reminders. Everyone I know has had quite the good time reminiscing on their sappy or quote-tastic statuses.Even without facebook's help I have a cousin, who like many in my family does not let things go easily. And tonight I took her out for a girl's night and we went to the Clubhouse Fun tonight when we realized we were at that exact spot exactly one year ago. To-the-day. However, we were not alone on our first adventure a year ago. No, no we weren't- 'flicker', as she calls him, was there before.


Little does she or facebook know where my heart was a year ago. How crazy it was to reconnect with him after years. To think, that was exactly a year ago. The scene was as such; My heart was at a turning point, God had the answer for me, I had followed his lead and began my single life and this day one year ago I sent a text that forever changed my life.. and I don't say that lightly. 


To-the-day I made the choice one year ago that I was going to chase after the wrong lover. And let me tell you it was quite the year after I made that decision. But I can write tonight from a different heart, from a different longing- I again am in more than awe of my God. I not only reminisce of good times with Him but prioritize my time with my first love. 


I laugh at the thought of when my girls say "Girl- you act like Jesus is your boyfriend" and I understand why they don't get it, and when you don't get it (mainly because you have not experienced it) it makes sense. But there is such a freedom in His presence to be had, there really is a divine romance to enjoy, there is a joy to linger in. You just have to be persistent and consistent. His word says He'll answer. And if there is one thing I have learned from this past year: His word is true, forever and for always. 

Lamentations 3:25-27 "God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times"

2 Chronicles 16:9 "The eyes of the LORD search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."

Matthew 7:7 "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you."

Deuteronomy 4:29 "But from there you will seek the LORD your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul." 

Jeremiah 29:13 "When you look for me, you will find me. When you wholeheartedly seek me."

Revelation 2:4 "But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first"

Seek Him. He answers. He is our true Lover.

Settling In

"Once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you’ve been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are. George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it". Clearly, Shaw had his heart broken once or twice." - One Tree Hill cast 

The last five years I feel as if I have lived out of boxes. I was at school, I was back home, I was in a foreign country, I was out of state- I was always :::somewhere, doing something::: and always with my boxes.


I spoke to a girl earlier today who was in and out of foster care her whole life. Continually split from her brothers and sisters for years then brought back together. I imagine she feels as if her whole life is in boxes...

But I sit here tonight I am not somewhere, doing something, I am just here... and I have no boxes left. I finally decorated my room and well, this is it. This is home now. I feel safe here, relaxed and quite privileged. It is a really nice place and when I spend most of my days working with young women like the one I mentioned above, this is a very nice home.

Even with the familiar boxes in hand, I can admit I lost myself this past school year. Granted I moved three times, earned a Master's degree and started managing a non-profit- so I can use that as an excuse; Regardless I lost that sense of independence I had gained and that beautiful sparkle in my eye that let me know I had a purpose beyond just getting recognition in this life. I let my heart wander and I gained my heart's desire in two ways: One was of the Lord the other was not and George Bernard Shaw was right... oddly enough both feel like tragedies sometimes.

But, I have no boxes left... no excuses; It's time. It is time to be who I always said I was going to be. It is time to take this Urban Ministry seriously and do what I can to carry on God's message of Love. It's time to remember what I got into this crazy profession for. Contrary to popular belief, I never became a Social Worker because I thought I could save the world; I just simply did not want to ignore the pain of the world, like others can so easily do. It's time to move beyond the boxes and settle into life.

Feeling Loneliness

I don't think it is being a hypocrite when you give someone good advice yet don't follow it yourself. We all do it. We know better... we just don't.  

wis·dom//wizdəm// : Knowing the best thing to do and actually doing it. 

I  remember telling him how healthy it is to feel loneliness and to not fill it. To sit there and allow your heart to ache and just breath. I know to everyone that might not make sense-- but we get so busy trying to make our lives 'okay' that we forget it is perfectly normal to not be okay. In fact that is possibly the only true 'normalcy'; sometimes things are good and sometime they are not. Just the same as the only constant in life is change. 

I don't agree with staying in this place for an extended period of time but sometimes we have to let our heart get there. Turn off 'Desperate Housewives' and allow the tears to come. Allow our souls to cry out. Feel it; Live it.

 Life   //lif// : The act of existing and The routined yet spontaneous day to day activity

 I wonder what point I am trying to get across tonight... I guess to just be honest: the weirdest things make me lonely. I have attended five weddings this summer. None of which have made me yearn for a significant other or romance. Oddly enough they all made me crave Christian fellowship-- a group of guys & gals encouraging one another in faith and righteousness. I thought nothing of whom my groom will be, but more so if my bridesmaids would be the same as these girls; Those who had been praying over the bride and encouraging her to guard her heart throughout the relationship. But it is those times where I get out of work and realize I have the night to myself and the summer air is picture perfect-- then I kick myself for not having someone special to share it with-- almost wishing I would have continued to compromise in any of my -not-meant-to-be relationships.

 I miss laughing the most. I understand that I laugh about twice as much as everyone else I know-- but there are different laughs. And I can't pinpoint any one person in my day to day life right now who can get me to laugh... like really laugh.

 Now that the business of summer and vacationing is over I need to start reaching out to more friends again. Friends who are chasing after righteousness, friends who refuse to let compromises come between them and the Lord, friends who won't let me settle for loneliness when I can be having a conversation with a Living God.  I feel like I need a group... not just random 'besties' here and there. I truly believe this goes beyond my need for acceptance and really defines what it is to be in Christian Community.

be·long   //biˈlôNG// : To be a part of [[a God centered adventure]] 

I guess a part of this cry for fellowship really is a desire for Proverbs 27:17: "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." I want to run this race with others. Period. I want to surround myself with those who consistently remind me: I am worth waiting for. Because no matter how he made me feel... I am.

 

You've Been on my Mind

I was in the office. Seemed like a regular day; then I got the phone call.

One of Dad's best friend had taken his own life :::tragedy strikes:::

In those moments who do you call? When your knees get weak and you know you can't be alone. Since this was over a month ago- I called him. And as he drove me to my hometown I played Adele's "One and Only" over and over again. Holding back some tears, then at other times letting them go. The way she throws her soul into the music was the exact 'real-ness' I needed at that moment. 

Now you'd think this would be a post about tragedy. Or God's goodness through the pain- perhaps ::triumph:: But alas, it is not. This post, as with all the others, is about being lovesick.

He's been on my mind. And no (thank heavens) it is not who you are thinking. The boy driving the car was only an instrument to remind me how much I love being in love... with the man who CREATED love. 

I am God's one and only. He always has me on his mind. 
(that goes for you as well-ya just have to believe it)

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3)

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17)

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15)

Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever (Psalm 136:26)

How precious to me are your thoughts towards me, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand. (Psalm 139:17-18b)

God's goodness through that tragedy (and other letdowns that week) were just overwhelming. This life is hard, it really sucks at times (no doubt) and NONE of us like to do it alone. One of the saddest sights to me is to see a lonely person. Whether they are 13, 39, or 93. Being alone, feeling isolated, neglected or as desperate as my Dad's friend must have been... is just indescribably painful to my heart. 

But to know we can do life with God, to never be alone- ever is literally the best security one can have. ((Deut. 31:6)) Once you enter into that RELATIONSHIP with God you'll listen to songs like Adele's "One and Only" and be able to move past the guy driving the car and instead hear God whisper the lyrics into your heart.

"You've been on my mind

I grow fonder every day,

lose myself in time just thinking of your face

God only knows why it's taking me so long

to let my doubts go

You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before

Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,

You never know if you never try to forget your past

And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only

Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms

So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can

Walk that mile

Until the end starts

Have I been on your mind?

You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time

At the mention of my name, will I ever know

How it feels to hold you close

And have you tell me which ever road I chose you'll go"