A New Post

This is my sixth post I have started since May 14th.
I just don't know what to share.
I had a few posts about some bitter thoughts
and I have another few posts about some sad thoughts
but nothing that should be shown.
I don't feel like I am hiding or embarrassed of my emotions
just thinking those ones did not to be shared.


I have been in my home town of Elmira now for three weeks.
same ol' same.
Nothing is really beautiful to me here.
Nothing is awe-inspiring.
Just a town that reminds me of a lot of good-byes.



We visited my 96 year old great grandma last weekend and moved her out of her house she loved in for 74 years. Talk about a good-bye. She is simply the strongest, most full of wisdom and joy woman I have ever heard of. Like a character straight from the Bible.

I remember her 95th birthday and the sun was shining and she looked at me and said how happy she was that the sun was shining and she was so blessed. thats NINETY FIVE years of sunshine... and she was still thankful... One of those 'its the simple things' moments.

Another goodbye was the recent graduation at school. I didn't even go. I had a lot of friends to say goodbye to... but I just didn't want to do.. so I didn't. Only one of them really affected me, Sam. One of the three best friends I made in college. Just an absolute sweetheart...my eyes water thinking of the solid friendship we built and how long it took me to knock down her stubborn walls. She's already doing great, like we knew she would but she'll never be two floors away again. I know things are ever changing but still just a blessing I took for granted =/

The same day Sam set off my other best came home from Italy. With tears bursting out of Jill's eyes her mom threw me in front so I would be the first thing she saw... it was the best hug I ever got. Spending four months in a foreign land changes you...

My brother just moved to Florida today... right now he is sleeping in a motel parking lot somewhere in south Carolina (dont tell my mom-she'll flip) but that was tough saying goodbye. We have such a strange relationship. I mean how can you grow up with someone for 13 years and not know a thing about them? I never really did understand the family concept... but now that I have my baby sister, my dad and stepmom... I wish I did.

I'm also having a really hard time lately with the church body... so much hypocrisy... Im disgusted. The more Chirstains I meet the less I want to associate with Chirstians. Don't get me wrong if Jesus was chillin on earth, I'd be game. But for Chirstians to be in a group with each other and just talk crap about people.... why not just hang out with non-believers?

Granted, I may put higher standards on Christians and I am simply disappointed because I am looking to be filled and I am not... but am I wrong for wanting that?

There is just a lot I have to learn.. leave it to God once I think I have finally become comfortable and "understand" the world or any of his creation for my mind to be scrambled.

I miss Brockport a lot. I love how it feels like home. I'm not ready to say goodbye to it yet... but even more so I am not ready to say goodbye to my dream, Mercy Ministries.

For those who know I have been working towards an Internship with Mercy Ministries based in Nashville TN and I have hit a roadblock.... they don't know who I am. With a few staff changes and lost of paperwork I no longer an intern. Not to be shaken, easily fixed. I recently re-applied. It only made me even more hungry for this opportunity. If Mercy is not of God's will for me I am willing to give this dream up. Let me repeat I AM WILLING TO GIVE THIS DREAM UP. but my heart is so torn. Would God give me such a vivid dream if it is not suppose to come true? Psalm 37:4 thinks not. Matthew 6:33 says I have it right. Proverbs 22:9 is ready to bless me... but I shall wait now. The application is sent out. Prayer is all I've got now.

I feel better now. I have finally expressed myself and my summer thus far. I have more thoughts but less energy. Goodnight

8 things I want in 8 years

*Year 2017*
Age 29


1. Front Porch Swing
2. Full Time Ministry Career
3. Signature Recipe that I am known for
4. Soulmate
5. A Vacationing Mother
6. Physical Gifting of Healing
7. Scrapbooking Room
8. Wisdom

& To be at the Vatican again...

Testimony Night

Last Night we had our annual Testimony Night at the church for the college students. This year they only did the seniors and they only got to choose one thing about all four years, all four years of lessons. Most spoke of their pivotal turning point and It really got me thinking... One more semester & I am out of here... One more and I will be fulfilling my dreams in Nashville TN. So does that mean next winter I will give my Senior Year testimony about how far I have come since I was a freshman? About how much I have learned? How much I have gained, how much I have lost? How much I want the younger generation to know? So much I hope no one else ever has to deal with? Only one lesson? What would I say?

I walked out of the building tonight heading towards my car and I ran into four people. Four ordinary college students who three years ago I never knew existed. But I do now. Each one I have had social relations with, each one I have shared the gospel with. So weird. I mean it's not weird to know so many people when you live on campus for three years but it seemed so... dare I say surreal? I guess I am just realizing how much influence I have had on this campus or more so how much I have changed myself.

So what would I say? What was my turning point? Well, here it is.

When you know who you are in Christ, you are no longer a slave to this world. You no longer walk in shame, you no longer doubt and nothing can ever take that away from you. Even if you walk away His gifts will be glorified through you. You are not just changed but transformed. You are no longer tolerant but you can whole-heartily love. You no longer want but give, you no longer struggle but you succeed. You no longer long for and desire but you receive and prosper. You are what God has made you and He makes no mistakes. You will be forever loved. You will be forever grateful. You will be forever His. 'For when those who are called to fish, fish- they flourish.' Once you know who you are in Christ, you will change the world. Forget the sins, forget the Christian culture and just sit at the feet of Jesus. He'll show you. Just liked He showed me.

Might be a semester early, but I will keep it around just in case.

Birthday Candles

He asked me as soon as I woke.
He asked "Can I have this Day?"

and I said no...

And now my Birthday Cake is spoiling on the fridge.
My spirit is sizzling with anger.
My eyes can not even form anymore tears.
My paper is unwritten and due in four hours.
And there is not a single person I feel like would understand.
I feel like when I blew out the candles all the light in my life left with it.

...He asked if I would wake and commune with Him.

and I said no.

"You don't have to be Sorry"

it is 4:02 in the morning and God used me to bless her in the strangest way possible... but it was perfect. it was exactly what i was made to do.

i didn't try to fix her, i didn't try to change her... i sat, i listened, and i fed her.


"Simon son of John, do you love me?... Feed my Sheep"
-john 21:15


thank God that His ways are not only higher but His ways are right.


I found myself repeatly saying at the beginning: "You don't have to be Sorry" she is so sick of everyone making her be who she doesn't want to be. so sick of telling her what she has to do... but I really want her to know that although she might have woken up the entire upper-quad... she doesn't ahve top be sorry.

‘Love your neighbor as yourself'
-matthew 22:39

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me"
-psalm 13:2


...not long I hear Him say. Not long.



one last thought...why are the birds out at 4:09 in the morning?

So many things I want to say

There are just so many things I want to say lately and my tongue feels so tied.

We had a death on campus last night... that kind of shock makes anyone contemplate their life and take a deep breathe.

Mostly everyone hit up the beach or a towel outside because it is so beautiful outside today but I needed so much rest...from everything.

I still don't get what I want from you. You drive my crrrrraaaazzzy. But I have never loved someone with such innocence and peace.

I am over this pointing out my flaws stage. I need a rest to work on the once I have found.

My 21st birthday is Monday and I have no desire to do anything....

and I am tired. I am so tired... I really have no energy left. I need a week of nothing... maybe even a day. I am not stressed though, just tired.

However, the day after I get home from finals- I start work. But that is 150% more of a blessing than anything. With the job market I am so so so so blessed to receive this job.

God has been using many older women in my life to bless me lately and I am loving it. None of them go to church none of them condemn me, they juts love me. Sometimes I think those who do not even relate to church get it more than we do... sometimes.

I recently heard this quote. "the problem is Christians can only Love people as much as they Love themselves... and most Christians don't Love themselves..." chew on that for a bit.

Did you ever realize how much "me" "I" and "our" is in worship songs? Absolutely ridiculous. I am starting to delete a lot of songs that I use to live by.

Ten things I would like to say to Ten people

10. You are really lucky I didn't hate myself after all the things you use to called me.

9. I don't remember a thing about you. Ha...kind of funny isn't it?

8. Really? REALLY?!? bitch.

7. Ask me... I just might say yes.

6. You are ruining everything.

5. You are the kindest person I know. And you just keep getting nothing... from everyone.

4. I can't make excuses for you anymore- do something with yourself.

3. I should have never let you lied to me. What a waste.

2. I know you don't like yourself but I am in love with you. You are going to change the world someday.

1. I still don't know if I hate you or love you. It's all really confusing.