above all else: Love

Love: Consider This my Valentines' Post

2012-02-13T00:12:00.001-05:00

Our culture is obsessed with love. So much so we create it when it doesn't exist. We cling to what we think it really is and ignore what it really was created as. As I write this post I have not decided if I am going to write about how phenomenal God's love is or how I am actually admitting for the first time, via blog, I have been in love for the past year with a boy I was to ashamed to even mention in conversations. love has so many definitions. I can find so many quotes about what others think it is, or have experienced, or possibly God has inspired for them, but for me... love, love this time means letting go. Letting go of what I have CLUNG to. These lies... and no they actually were not about the boy. They were about what I falsely believed. For a girl who knows herself, believes in herself, [normally] loves herself, [she also] knows God, believes in God, and [typically] loves God, I have *believed* in a lot of lies.

Now if you don't believe that God is our true God, Jesus can set you free, and/or there is an enemy of your soul-- then you're gonna think the following list is a little pathetic. But those who know, and know that your behavior truly shines your beliefs let this list sink in and know I have been SET FREE. Praise God, Hallelujah, and all that good jazz <3

Before now I didn't actually *believe* I could find love. Not just like a person to fall in love with, but actual love- something I could tangibly wrap my arms around, be proud of, and *believe* it wouldn't leave. Before now I am not sure if I even thought love existed. Like the worldly love this time. I somehow always believed God's love existed, He kind of engrained that in me, thank goodness. But now, I know it's possible. It is possible to feel for someone else so much that your own desires don't matter... but in a healthy way. Love like you can sit in your sweats, tell someone your complete weaknesses as you pick at the flaws on your body and still laugh as if pain does not exist in the world--and maybe even face the pain of the world, together (sigh of relief). [[it is possible]]. Before now I did not *believe*, get this, that Christian guy would ever like me. This gets people every time... I don't know else to say it except a deep seed of unworthiness. On the outside you could never tell but the behaviors proved it. Before now I could never admit that I loved him, it's not a lie. I can truly say that I have felt love and gave into love's pulls, and hurt like only love can make you. I have loved all the wrong things about us yet I have loved to see him learn to love himself more. love is love and I cannot deny it, but also before now I believed in another lie, that somehow our story would weave its way back into each others'. Uggh, I sound so crazy -- but ladies I know I am not alone-- you know that feeling that underlying "maybe-this-will-work-out-after-all-LOOK_he-just-texted-me-what-I-should-say..." feeling. And now, I don't *believe* it. I feel so free. It's not about not talking to him for a certain period of time, or trying to resist the temptations, and unfortunately I am not sure it is that I am full enough of God's love this time either so I don't desire it, but it is that His love set me free.

And you know how I know that its real this time? I want him to be completely happy, knowing that that does not involve me. I want him to fall in love with not only himself, God, but a woman better suited for him. A woman who believes in love enough for both of them. As for me, I am free, deep sigh, just in time for Valentines' Day! Just as I felt last year. Isn't God so faithful?

"but have not love, I am nothing"

2012-02-07T08:45:00.001-05:00

A lot has happened in the past week.
Nothing tragic, nothing magical... just a lot.
My heart is struggling with so many questions that I thought I had long since answered.
One main thing is I offcially feel inadequate in all areas of life.
If one day I am doing great at my job, I am suffering socially.
If I am being a great friend, I am being a negligent daughter.
Its. just. never. good. enough.
It has nothing to do with anyone but -me-
this [[[b.o.x]]] I put myself in.,
These u.n.a.t.t.a.i.n.a.b.l.e expectations I put on myself... I am past the point of caring where they came from and just want them gone.

For example, last weekend. I kind of doubled booked. There was a church event I knew I could.not.miss. but I also had plans with a friend who I have not seen in awhile. Once at church, God had some work he wanted to do ya know... and I ended up standing her up. It's like.. I can't win. And I am not looking for pity. I am looking for God's grace honestly. His direction. Lord...show me where to honestly put my energy, I am not doing so hot at this.

It''s like last year I have learned how to be a lot of things: Social Worker, Leader, Woman of Faith, On my own... but somehow though I lost track of two things: How to be a genuine friend and how to love myself. "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." ((1 Corinthians 13:2)) And I promise you those were two things that I never had to work for. Having, making, keeping and appreciating friends was an expertise of mine. And loving, caring and appreciating myself was my top quality... or so I thought.

This change in me deserves some good processing and prayer. I am not as concerned with how or why I stopped loving my neighbor rightfully. But it is kind of ironic because I was "Loving [my] neighbor as [my]self" ((Mark 12:31)) I just unfortunately stopped loving myself.

-->wow<-- try writing that sentence out. Stopped. Loving. Myself. In the midst of all my success, in the midst of my accomplishments, blessings, dreams come true- I stopped loving myself. "And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?" ((Mark 8:36). I am reading "Strengthening the Soul of your Leadership" ((Ruth Haley Barton)) and it covers this very topic and I did seek out -->fabulous<-- Christian Counseling, so I am definitely on the up and up. But, I guess I had to admit where I was- to myself mainly- before I could get to where I am going.

“Few are those who see with their own eyes and

feel with their own hearts." -Albert Einstein

What Happens?

2012-01-31T23:16:00.000-05:00

What happens when the dreamer stops dreaming?

When the motivational speaker loses motivation?

When the prayer warrior stops believing in prayer?

What happens when we become so dull to life that we forget to live?

What happens when we're so busy living, that we forget to love?

What happens when we are so content in the way things are we choose not to fight for how they could be? Can you imagine if someone like Martin Luther King Jr. just stopped dreaming, speaking, and praying. I mean honestly... what would have happened?

I never once imagined what my life after college would be like. I feel like I just stumbled upon what is now and have become complacent on what could be. Knowing that without some form of a 'wish' I risk the chance of --compromise && settling --The last time I had a big dream I was working towards was my unquenchable need to get to Nashville and serve at Mercy Ministries back in 2009. As odd as it sounds, I have never once considered the idea of dreaming big for Rochester, actually making a difference with my skillset and especially my job.

Life nowadays is so good. So safe and yet dangerous. So busy yet relaxing. So necessary yet lighthearted. I love my job, like l.o0o.v.e my job. I have a PERFECT apartment and roommate. I learned this year that my heart can break and feel, forgive and heal again. I know I have talents that I can offer the world and as a wife.. I bet I wouldn't be that bad (working on this insecurity). But I am stuck with the idea of what happens?

I am scared that so many I know, myself included, stopped dreaming big. We stopped desperately grabbing for Jesus' garments to heal us ((Mark 5)) and the world around us. We stopped loving and living and started... getting by. We're not crazy in love anymore. We reminisce and sometimes regret the days where impulses drove us. But as I have heard many times before if you don't feel like you're risking everything you've got then you're not living the true life of Christianity. If people are never annoyed (and/or aware of) your love for God and the good works they consistently see you doing then are you living in the overflow of God?

I guess I know what happens in the end. When the dreamer stops dreaming, the motivational speakers loses thier spark and the prayer warrior stops fighting. They lose hope and in turn those they would have been ministering to lose their chance at finding hope. Right? Or does God really find someone else to fulfill their purpose? If He does then as a lazy culture I can foresee everyone just waiting for the next 'great minister' to do what God has really called THEM to do.

Bah. For once, I sound so pessimistic. But I do know this: if you are not doing what it is God has shaped you to do. You. Will. Lose. Hope. ((proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life."))

You just gotta stay fresh. You have to stay in the word. You have to make the choice to dream big. To ask God for more. To not give up-- because that will always be the easiest choice. To push through. Not to fight, but to surrender ((matthew 26:29)). Surrender to something bigger, something better. It won't all be fun, but it will be an adventure ((joshua 1:9)). It won't all be rewarding, but you will find treasure ((matthew 6:20)).

Although the questions burns in my mind... I don't really want to know what happens. I would rather learn to dream again, delight in speaking, and get praying. I'd rather see what happens then... because then God can really move in Rochester, in my own heart, and in the lives of the people or situational you are praying for. And if you don't believe me, I bet Martin Luther King Jr. would agree.

To my readers, I encourage you in this: Keep dreaming big for the Lord, telling people about it as much as you can and covering the whole process in prayer. You won't regret it. "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" ((1 Corinthians 2:9))

above all else: Love.

Again Kerri, Really?

2012-01-14T01:02:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it is easier to hand God our best, than it is our worst. After my last post just said how great of a place I am in, I can't hide that some of my heart is simply just broken. It makes me want to scream, "Again Kerri, Really??"

I joined a Friday night Bible Study tonight that is walking through the book/DVD series Captivating. Now if you don't know what that book is-- you have not read my blogs before-- I LOVE this book. I crave it's message, I adore it's realness and pray that each woman who reads it would receiving healing from it just as I had. There was another night two Septembers ago where I had the same paradox where I had been starting to read that book again and I had also had a horrible night with a charming young man who is the only man alive, I swear, who can bring out my insecurities like he does.

Regardless, here it is again. Somehow I find so much joy and strength offering my best to God. Knowing that my victories are really His- giving all credit to Him on my 'wordly' achievements. But when it comes to pain, when it comes to hurt, ahhh- something about it just stings and it is so hard to hand over. There is this fear of releasing the very thing holding me captive, as if living in "bondage" is better than trusting anyone... even God.

There are countless Bible stories I could recall that relate, so many redeemed lives I have personally witness choose God over bitterness and pain... so many- yet I still struggle to say "here God, here it is... me at my worst- would you find me in it? Can you see past my darkness to a heart who truly aches for you?" And all that fear for nothing. God is so faithful to our cries. We may not feel it immediately in that moment of ache, but that is mainly because we refuse to lift our heads out of the fog and worship Him for how faithful He is, unlike anyone we will know. When we stay alone in our pain that is the perfect time for the enemy of our hearts to take camp. ((Ephesians 6:12- For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.)) he loves to repeat the very things you are scared to hear, over and over again. Like the little devil you see in the movies on someones' shoulder, he was so quick to tell me how ridiculous and worthless I was tonight...

Tonight though instead, I choose to let God enter my pain again. No matter how silly others may think I am to be in this situation again, no matter how much it sucks to be vulnerable, and how ridiculous it is to feel this hurt over one person. I choose to let go, "Lord, come find me" I say- "Lord come find me, just as I am"

My rendition of Psalm 4 as I allow God into the pain:

Answer me when I call to you,

my righteous God.

Give me relief from my distress;

have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

How long will I turn your glory into shame?

How long will I love delusions and seek false gods?

[I should know] that the LORD has set me apart,

his faithful servant for himself;

the LORD hears when I call to him.

[ I should ]be in awe and not sin;

when I am on my bed,

[ I choose to ] search my heart and be silent.

I will again offer the sacrifices of the righteous

and trust in the LORD.

Many, in this world LORD, are asking,

“Who will bring us prosperity?”

Let the light of your face shine on us.

Fill my heart with joy

[ when he seeks worldly love. ]

In peace I will lie down and sleep,

for you alone, LORD,

make me dwell in safety[trust, refuge, peace].

Thank you Lord, for always being faithful.

"But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one"

2 Thessalonians 3:3

Thoughts from 37,000 ft above

2012-01-14T00:23:00.001-05:00

I just spent a week in Denver, CO at a: five star hotel with about 65 other Youth For Christ staff from all over the country and world. One whole week digging into the word of God, experiencing true fellowship/accountability, and falling in love again with where God has me.
I have never felt so incredibly empowered yet gratefully humble ever. The weeks' content rarely had to do with programming, or stats, or national paperwork. The entire week focused on abiding with Christ; God being our first love; A ministry's goal is the same as the great commandment: Love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind; and as simple as being the gospel while telling the gospel.

Needless to say I had a great time. The other youth workers were just so real. Like so funny, legit, and redeemed. I envied their students and wished someone like them would have been in my high school. I know I would have accepted Christ earlier and unlike I have said before, man I wish I would have. To have known His love sooner, to have experienced this freedom... sigh if only.

But alas, here I am flying over the United States pondering what life will be like when I get back. What changes I will really make. How much more time I will truly devote to the Lord... and I find my heart so restful. Which is such a sweet place to be that I might just cry on this plane. I feel so valued, while believing the best I have to offer is Christ in me--- and I truly mean that.

Also within this last week I became an Aunt. I will be seeing my Nathan Vincent Malandra sometime tomorrow for the first time. The thought of my brother being a father... is well, wow. Hopefully it will be the perfect way to present God's relentless for his heart. Huh... now that is a change... I reallyhave been praying so much more lately for my friends and families salvation. Get that I don't think I have ever even mentioned that word on this blog before... salvation... look at this girl evangelizing (haha).

With that Carey and I are focused on fasting this month with our church and for the first time I am really enjoying being weak and sacrifical for the purposes of mobilizing God's kingdom. I feel so charged to make a difference in even the smallest of ways. God has just been so much more real to me lately, which is crazy to say from the 'religious' girl and all. But even as I fly over the states now I hear God repeat "see that light on the hill.. see that city lit up, that's you my lovely- thats you"

(Matthew 5:14) "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.

please use my mistakes

2012-01-04T11:55:00.004-05:00

The true points of fasting: To release whatever is hindering you from receiving God's full grace for you. To become dependent on His spirit alone and to focus on His strength throughout.

God, you know my heart, they do not.
You know the situation, they do not.
You know how much I care when I hide it from them.
You know those intimate moments we share.

And its not like I didn't know you were going to ask me to release him again and I believe full heartily you will be true to this fast and my heart will only be blessed and fuller because of it but God please hear my cry!! Use my mistakes to bring you glory. Use my weaknesses to shine your strength to him Lord. For years I was ashamed to admit how deeply I felt for him and now--- now I took the chance, its not right...its just not right. And I need it to not lead to a path of destruction but a path of deeper wisdom and peace for both of us. I need you to comfort our pain, I need you to be the forgiving God you so are and lavish us with love... even in our filthiness. In our wandering from you- I need you to be true. I need you to awaken his soul. Lord, you know I don't pray like this often. I have asked for things before from you, but here.... here lord I BEG you, I CRY OUT for you. You know my heart. You know how sick I am over this. LORD BE MERCIFUL.

Please, save him. Please

It all seems so surreal..

2011-12-07T22:24:00.001-05:00

After watching the new video for Successful Pathways of YFC about a dozen times, I tried to watch it as if I didn't know anyone in it. As if those weren't my girls. As if that wasn't me. And something finally snapped in me.

THIS IS ALL SO SURREAL!!

IS THIS A JOKE?!

How did I get here?

When did this happen?

How is it that life is so awesome with God?

How did the girls know exactly what to say?

Will things be this good next year?

She has such a great smile!
When did she start thinking that about God?

One of the girls and I at our Fundraiser!

The video honestly made me think, what can I do to help this place out. I love what they do. I know that might sound conceited but really the music in the background just drew me in. So YAY for God's plans!

Also I went to my Alma Mater last night and again SO SURREAL. It's not like I have not been back there since but this time I was not going in as a college student, as a friend of a college student but as a Case Worker. Although I was visiting a LOVELY friend for her birthday also, I did an intake on the college campus as an expecting mother joyfully told me her plans for the future. As I arrived at her dorm, the RA's stared me down like I was a bother to them. I wanted to yell oout "HEY! I helped make some great new guidelines for you all and trust me I was just like you.... a few years ago".

Student Government days!

I entered the dorm room in awe. OH MAN I miss that. They were so cute, so young, so joyful. Watching glee, decorating the dorm and just living life for fun and papers. I honestly can say there is no way I would go back but I sure did admire the youthfulness of it all. Across campus I went to the social work lounge to send out some pertinent emails. While there I met some awesome grassroots Social Work students who were ready to take on the world, one "Occupy Brockport" at a time. They were trying to convince me that the student government wasted money and I almost didn't tell them I was the student government... but I did, and their right, we did waste money. The conversations they were having were just so similar to all of ours. Same professors, same papers, same drama. I wonder if the professors feel that way. Get so over the same excuses over and over again because they have heard them year after year.

Regardless, again SO SURREAL. Here I was "in the field", as they asked me, when only a few short years ago I was procrastinating those same papers. *sigh..

Some of the lovely women of God who brought me up!

Then to visit the birthday girl! I joined in after lifegroup had ended, the very group that save my life. The Tuesdays nights that opened my heart to my creator, my lover and best freind- God. The Seniors in the group were MY freshman. My loves, the youngins' the ones who never knew the pre-Jesus Kerri. *sigghhh they are all so beautiful and talented, I just pray they never forget that. And when asked what I do I got to again tell them, I am "in the field" I am in missions fields, I help draw hearts to God.

AHHHHHHHHHHH it is all so surreal!!

I know I should not be so surpirsed God promised He had plans but sometimes you just have to take a moment and thank Him from getting to point B, when you fought him so much at point A. And to think He has a point C, D, E maybe even an H?? So much to look forward to, so much to be grateful for. EVEN WHEN THINGS ARE NOT GOOD- GOD IS GOOD. ((can I get an amen))

Alas, I just needed everyone to know that even when I am lost in the paperwork, stressed over transportation, saddened by client's behavior, I am truly GRATEFUL for it all. I don't know how life can get better but I cling to my Jesus the giver of all good things.

"Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the

Father of the heavenly lights,

who does not change like shifting shadows."- James 1:16-17

--> my first ten months<--

2011-11-29T19:51:00.001-05:00

10 months.

Its been 10 full ((very full)) months since I started coordinating the health education sessions at my work, which I feel like signified my really stepping into the leadership role I have now there. These sessions are for young mothers in the city of Rochester. We discuss things like domestic violence, STDs, respect, childhood baggage.... all that fun stuff. We provide social, spiritual, and psychological support for these young women in many aspects. Tonight I do not want to tell you about how great my job is, what we do exactly, how we need more funding, the behavioral change we've seen, the retention rate, etc etc I say that all the time. I speak at agencies, I preach at churches, I do trainings, I meet with donors-- but I feel like I never get to share my heart. And, I yet to hide my heart from you blogworld... so here I go.

I don't know what I am doing.

In the midst of all my right answers,

of my great advice,

my leaping attendance rates---

I don't know what I am doing.

I always thought if you'd give me a mic I would woo the crowd and they would love God in an instant after hearing me speak... and ya know what? It doesn't happen that way, I'm not at good at ministry as I thought I would be. Which is good because if I led by my arrogance I would not be leaning on God's grace. It was a good wake up call that I am not all that-- I also thought the first thing I would think to do in a meeting would be to pray and more times than not, I don't. I thought I would have prayed with these girls, loved on them, and led them to Christ-easy'&simple. But.. I don't know what... I am doing.

It's not that the schooling didn't prepare me or I am lost at my job, more so I can't take myself out of what we are doing and see it--- for what it is. Like I honestly don't know what we are doing. How much an impact we are having, if lives are being changed, if the girls are starting to love God, if I am being too much of a control freak, if I am being too lienent. Things are SO BUSY, that I really need to sit down God and I and have a meeting. Get some love back in my heart, brainstorm some ideas and cut myself some slack of course.

That is what December is. After the big fundraiser, I am closing the office door and figuring things out. I knew this year would be different, challenging, eye-opening, busy and sacrificial- but again I really knew nothing, I had NO CLUE what I was getting into, how much I can handle, how I would supervise, what it would be like to have clients, a program, and babies around all the time?!?

And, I don't mean to sound like I am upset or overwhelmed, I am just admitting I don't know how 10 months went by. I don't know if I was efficient in my ministry. 10 months-- wow. I always knew I would have a lot to learn and that will be a constant in Social Work. But this is my first real 10 months and I have to admit for not knowing much I did pretty alright- now its time to sit down and make things better. ((any ex's of mine who read this know my 'need to get better' syndrome lol))

For example, I am learning for the first time what attachment and termination is for real like with clients. I see why other agenies have such strong boundaries set.. *sigh. I mean I love these girls... and I just didn't know how much a family we would become. How much attitude they'll give you just to see if you'll really stick around....and their texts... man, they kill me. At the end of a day they'll text me just a simple thank you... and honestly it makes ---everything--worth it. I have so many stories, I could share-- but the girls say it better; this is a rough draft if you will- of what they girls video taped for our new video. The video will be showed in its completion this coming Monday so I'll share it then also. But check it out today too!

Throughout it all God has been so faithful-- each week (of group, but really everyday) I enter in not really sure what is going to happen and each week, He gives me exact plans, He listens and directs... and honestly that's what I need... I need to be bringing all of this to God, asking Him what He thought. How He wants this program to improve, how He wants to move forward. I think I'll go do that now... I don't need this blog to process my last 10 months-- I need God.He's the best Social Worker around anyway :) :)

Are you plugged In?

2011-11-08T12:42:00.001-05:00

I hurried to my office today an hour early to get things ready for what will always be the busy day, Tuesday. The day I have the pleasure of coordinating RLI (Real Life Issues), a group for young mothers in the city who are able to talk about their 'real life' and feel safe, accepted and loved. Attendance builds each week and so does the chaos. But a good chaos, as my boss states in our video "Change is challenging; Christ can change us". While busy typing away I noticed my computer was losing battery quickly, which was odd, since I know I plugged it into the wall first thing this morning. When it reached the 10% battery life warning I took a look. The plug was plugged into the computer, the plug was connected to the wall: but the two were not connected together. I immediately opened my Bible. A great reminder to not forget to connect to our One True power source.

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

1 Chronicles 16:11 Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

Exodus 15:2 The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Psalm 18:32-34 the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

As busy as always, yet as peaceful as I allow the word to let me be-

Above all else: Love.

Cast all your cares...

2011-11-02T09:32:00.001-04:00

He doesn’t love me.That is all my heart can think tonight.

I don’t know why I am so surprised.

It’s like, Kerri- hello… where have you been?

I am back at that idea of the desired to be desired.

The paradox of love and hurt.

I am starting to see why some people settle.

They cover up the pain of the last one with the next one.

Never truly feeling the loss of a relationship.

Tonight I choose to feel the loss.

Funny, most people will give you advice on how to spend yourtime when you feel this way. Ignore it, watch TV, go out on a blind date etc-but I have said it before and will say it again sometimes, and only sometimes,we need to allow ourselves to connect with our TRUE emotions. That is whypeople can become so transformed in counseling. It’s not the counselor thatmakes things happen, it is actually taking the time to focus on your emotions,your triggers, and what they are trying to tell you. Other times of course wedo need to rise above, hand our hurt over to the God who knows all about losing relationship with the ones He loves…

I guess that is the hardest part... how to explain tosomeone how to “hand it over” to a God they barely know. Let’s be honest to aGod I barely know…

Tonight at group I lost the girls, I could feel it- theenergy was gone, they were distracted and bored with whatever I had to say… Ibrought back our worry basket. The idea is to write down your worries, crumblethem up, and throw them into the basket. The basket is surrounded by thescripture: “Cast all your cares on Jesus, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7) Forweeks we used this and gave a little different explanation every time. Afterhearing my spiel a few times one of my interns hit the nail on the head whenshe asked the ladies, pretty hard to hand something over to a God you don’tknow right?... So again I ask how can I explain to someone how to hand overtheir “anything” to God, especially when it comes to things like loneliness,the very emotion I speak of tonight.

First, of course, we would have to have a relationshipforming with God to be able to speak to Him, so the initial “sinners prayer”…Lord, forgive me for my sins, I cannot and do not want to do this life withoutyou anymore. Let your ways be my ways, and let your plans be my plans. Give methe strength to get through the hardships I have now and peace for the ones Iwill endure in the future. And in all ways God make me more like your Son, whomI am eternally grateful for as I can accept your forgiveness today because Hedied an innocence death. Blessings and honor in your name, Amen.

Then, the Holy Spirit has to be present. Like has-to-be-.Trying to connect to God without the Holy Spirit is like… trying to listen toan ipod that has no charge. So invite Him in the room and into your heart also,although it sounds weird- He is the Holy Spirit and trust me, He gets thingsdone. Also for that ipod to work, you’ll need headphones- something to get themusic to your actual ears and inside your mind, similarly a church or goodgroup of Christian friends can do this same thing. You must have these threeparts (God of course being the ipod itself) to work.

From there… well what happens from there... you have God,the Holy Spirit, and your hurt. So.. you just start talking. Remember God is aREAL God—so act like He is RIGHT THERE, because He is. Do what you would do ifit was you and your friend. I know if it was my friend, we would grab coffeeand let the tears and laughs flow as we explained the dysfunctional growingpains of becoming an adult. Perhaps you journal, draw, blog, twitter your pain.Whatever, just share that with God-

Then and most importantly, as another intern reminded me oftoday- you have to have FAITH that God will heal your hurt, your circumstancesand overall your heart. FAITH is what the Holy Spirit thrives on… so to get thecharge on that ipod you must BELIEVE that the outlet you are plugging it intowill actually charge the ipod. God responds to faith that’s for sure:

Matthew 17:20 “He replied, "Because you have so littlefaith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, youcan say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothingwill be impossible for you. "

Matthew 15:28 ‘Then Jesus, answering, said to her, O woman,great is your faith: let your desire be done. And her daughter was made wellfrom that hour.”

Hebrews 11:1 “The fundamental fact of existence is that thistrust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makeslife worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see.”

1 John 5:4 “for everyone born of God overcomes the world.This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.”

Lastly, I guess, yet the longest and hardest part- you mustchoose to continue to have that faith and not let the pain overtake you. Thecontradiction is sometimes yes, it’s healthy to connect to your feelings andfeel what I acknowledge now as loneliness, but perhaps it is failure for you,or depression, embarrassment, etc – but you cannot stay there. You have to makethe CHOICE to continually give it to God. And make right CHOICES in thedirection of not filling the “void” or hurt with other things BUT God presenceand to not keep running back to things that give you those worries. Examples:ex-boyfriends, drugs, spending money on things you don’t need etc etc

I think that is the best way to explain it. I wish I wouldnot have epically failed that when I went to explain it to the girls today. ButI am glad I took the time to connect to what was truly bothering me. Sure, myheart is hurting because I am remembering a loss, but I know the process ofhanding this over to God, I know how to worship a faithful God when my lifeseems faithless. But what truly hurts is not being able to communicate the hopeand the drastic change that can come from handing these over to God to mygirls…

Lord, teach me, help me connect them to you… send me- I say.I surrender my own wants for them to know just how good you truly are. God please…I know you are faithful and unlike him.. I know you love me.

Arise, cry out in the night.

2011-10-12T00:14:00.003-04:00

"The hearts of the people
   cry out to the Lord.
You walls of Daughter Zion,
   let your tears flow like a river
   day and night;
give yourself no relief,
   your eyes no rest.

Arise, cry out in the night,
   as the watches of the night begin;
pour out your heart like water
   in the presence of the Lord.
Lift up your hands to him
   for the lives of your children,
who faint from hunger
   at every street corner...

My eyes will flow unceasingly,
   without relief,
until the LORD looks down
   from heaven and sees.
What I see brings grief to my soul
   because of all the women of my city."

Lamentations 2:18-19; 3:49-51

One would think what I do for a living would earn enough brownie points to get some good rest at night. I deserve some shut eye-- I work hard "for the Lord". Now I would love to hear God laughing about that one. Same old Kerri, trying to earn love and attention.

Even most unchurched folk say prayers before bed. Do you know unless I am asking for something from the Big Guy I do not do that. I start off good in the morning, continuing to worship all day long, but night never ceases to be about me destressing and getting some sleep. (minus the nights I am at a worship service for hours on end)

But I know that I KNOW- God calls me to more than this. Social Work would tell me I need self-care and make sure to leave work at work and for the most part I do (surprisingly enough). But God has never been shy to let me know that my purpose is higher than that, that He requests more effort than that, that He chose me to do His work- not the worlds.

I am to let "my eyes flow unceasingly without relief". To "bring grief to my soul". To pray on behalf of those He has sent my way(1 Timothy 2:1). To use the Armor of God(Ephesians 6). To fight from victory instead of for victory(john 16:33). To be the advocate(Isaiah 59:16). To pray for the captives (Acts 12:12). To pray for the fatherless, widows, and poor (Deuteronomy 10:18).

There are many moments when God wants us to just "be" in His presence and "pour out your [love] like water" to Him, no doubt, but we must not forget we are here on purpose, for a purpose. And if you really believe there is a God, Jesus is your Savoir and their really is a heaven- you might want to rethink [like me] how much you care about people, if you are not willing to "give your eyes no rest" for them.

I know I have not stepped up to the plate in this regard, I knew it back in my Mercy days also. It's time to take this seriously. Fight for the women I encounter, like those before me did for me. God promised He would never leave me (Hebrews 13:5). Where He is there is freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17). That He hears the cries of the righteous and will answer them with justice (Psalm 34:17). That victory is already promised (Romans 8:31). That apart from Him I am nothing, but with Him I am made whole (John 15:5). I must give up my ungodly desires and control to live the full life He has for me (Matthew 10:39; John 10:10).

All in all if I, or any human service worker/minister, thinks they have a heart for the broken-- they should consider that God has never once stopped pursuing our hearts (even when we ignore and mock Him) and that Jesus not only died for us but prayed on our behalf constantly- that to me is a true sacrifice. Death is one thing [although obviously huge] but to give ones' life, such as a night of rest, on behalf of someone now that... that is sacrifice, that is love.

So arise, my friends, arise and cry out--- not only IN the city, but FOR the city.
above all else:love.

Here's to 22

2011-09-18T22:26:00.003-04:00

In January 2011 my longest standing best friend turned 22.That same month began what would be the ultimate separation for us physically. It had come time where our paths were going to split ways and adulthood stood imminent at our doorsteps. After living in Nashville for three months I returned to live with her for two weeks as we both graduated from Undergrad. She returned home that summer, I stayed in the area and began my year long MSW program. Throughout this whole year we were separated by miles, but of course never by heart. We jokingly recall "22 was a bad year" it was the year we would never dare go back to. Although both of us accomplished big dreams, made great decisions educationally- we made some interesting choices that led to some serious heartaches, bellyaches, and hour long phone conversations. To say the least it was most definitely the year that taught us the most about oursleves, each other, faith, and how harsh the world around us can be. We kept track throughout the year of one liners that described our year and continually joked, "cant wait for 23!". We are both now half way through our year of 23 and I really feel like the tribute to 22 I always promised her is due. So this one is for you Kirsten and thanking God we are no longer 22!

Twenty-two is watching everyone else but you get married.
Twenty-two is having a degree but being completely broke
Twenty-two is sorting out classmates by who's pregnant, engaged, or gay
Twenty-two is not wearing makeup 75% of the time because it just doesn't matter anymore. Then when you do put it on, you worry the whole night that it was a waste of your time and that these people were not worth the lip gloss you just bought
Twenty-two is at first only having time for then becoming addicted to fast food
Twenty-two is constantly thinking life should be more fun that it is but realizing you don't have your own places to live yet
Twenty-two is dipping into the Europe fund have been saving for years to then just buy mixed drinks at a lame bar
Twenty-two is realizing it is way to late to change your major/career choice

Twenty-two is becoming good friends with your exs because you are not actually mad at them anymore

Twenty-two is realizing how much you can save on an electric bill by turning off the lights when you leave

Twenty-two is turning to a television show for your weekly dose of romance

Twenty-two is making a resume to just get hired as a waitress
Twenty-two is starting to realize how messed up marriages from your childhood really were
Twenty-two is manipulating your friends to drive because you really cant afford your gas
Twenty-two is "you guys have david bridals, I have taco bell to cope"
Twenty-two is trying to break all the rules... but knowing the consequences so not actually doing it.
Twenty-two is about going to the bars with our parents more than our friends
Twenty-two is living off of b-day/graduation money
Twenty-two is sneaking out to see kid movies
"Here is to 22... cheers... we won our mind games"
"I don't actually approve of 22, making mistakes always seemed like a simple idea but it hurts other people too much..."
Twenty-two is realizing not only do you not know anything about life but figuring out you never really did
Twenty-two is is an identity crisis
Twenty-two is a switch of plans you never intended but grinning and bearing it anyway
Twenty-two is the justification of why you cant really chase your dreams
Twenty-two is the credit card callers waking you up instead of good morning texts
Twenty-two is a negative balance in your bank account when you really just want a dollar coffee
Twenty-two is the zest of a new job- only to realize it is a sour lifestyle
Twenty-two is finding faith in God because nothing else seems to hang around for long
Twenty-two is experiencing the real feeling of being lonely: lonely as a routine. There are hundreds of people you talk to but no one who really knows you
Twenty-two is breaking up with 'the love of your life", discovering there is a lot more in life to love
Twenty-two is flying out to fancy hotels to meet the boy you know is going to break your heart soon enough
Twenty-two is actually beginning to voice your opinion at the dinner table and having relatives entrust in what you are saying and valuing your opinion
Twenty-two is feeling more so than ever the longing for something real, deep and meaningful- something worth living for and waking up to each day
Twenty-two is internships, student teaching, coupon clipping and maxed out credit cards
Twenty-two is over... thank God.

I have to say 23 has been much better for both of us. She has found herself in a great relationship where mind games and mixed drinks are not necessary. I have returned to my faith-based love and have stop aching for 'more' elsewhere. Both of us again reached significant goals and have seen some of our dreams flourish and other die.

To summarize the year I could say that three things remain: Faith, Hope, and Love and greatest of these is Love. But in our own words three things remain: Taco Bell, negative bank accounts, and friendship. Of course, the greatest of these being friendship. So here's to 23... and many years to come.

-with you-

2011-09-12T23:35:00.000-04:00

אלוהים הוא איתך

--->God is with you<---

And believe it or not: but that is enough.

Prophetic Board Game?

2011-09-12T23:17:00.001-04:00

I got an interesting visiontoday. Have you ever played Trouble? You know that snug feeling the peg haswhen it is moved into the new little spot? Like it fits perfect and there is nowhere it can go except forward. I envisioned that for some reason tonight as Icould feel my hope align again with God. What I got from this 'child-like'vision is in the game of Trouble there is no going backwards, no other roads:except straight on. The only way you can be taken away from the main path ifsomeone lands on 'your spot' and sends you back home: to square one (which isnever a good feeling). Otherwise you keep it movin'. With each turn you getcloser and closer to 'home' and each step along the way just feels 'snug'. Likeyou are in the perfect place. Meant to be there- it just fits.

And I have to say, I lovethose seasons in life. When you remember nothing is an accident. When God'splan feels so 'snug' and you remember there is no going backwards with God. Heis full steam and ready to go: always. Everything is outside of your control,while at the same time it is in that you find the most peace. God has a plan...*deep breath* God. Has. A. Plan.

When God is in control, life just makes sense. But you haveto be intentional about putting Him in the driver's seat. That meanstaking to pray each day, being in community with like minded souls, submittingto Christian leadership, reading His word: EVERY day, and most importantly notonly believing but acting as if you believe Jesus is the son of man and somedayHe will return to marry His Bride.

I am so thankful that I am now in-tuned again to His plans,that life feels 'snug' even when it is frustrating or disappointing. God is incontrol. I pray His plans always prosper over mine and that I am able to put myfirst love back where He belongs: being number one... otherwise the propheticvision I got of the board game 'trouble' earlier, might be for other reasons.

To The Day

2011-09-04T00:06:00.007-04:00

I have somewhat of a fascination with 'one year ago' and how much things have changed or rather sometimes how much they have not.Facebook has recently gone nostalgic on all of us and has started getting us hooked on these "this day in 2009; 2010" status reminders. Everyone I know has had quite the good time reminiscing on their sappy or quote-tastic statuses.Even without facebook's help I have a cousin, who like many in my family does not let things go easily. And tonight I took her out for a girl's night and we went to the Clubhouse Fun tonight when we realized we were at that exact spot exactly one year ago. To-the-day. However, we were not alone on our first adventure a year ago. No, no we weren't- 'flicker', as she calls him, was there before.

Little does she or facebook know where my heart was a year ago. How crazy it was to reconnect with him after years. To think, that was exactly a year ago. The scene was as such; My heart was at a turning point, God had the answer for me, I had followed his lead and began my single life and this day one year ago I sent a text that forever changed my life.. and I don't say that lightly.

To-the-day I made the choice one year ago that I was going to chase after the wrong lover. And let me tell you it was quite the year after I made that decision. But I can write tonight from a different heart, from a different longing- I again am in more than awe of my God. I not only reminisce of good times with Him but prioritize my time with my first love.

I laugh at the thought of when my girls say "Girl- you act like Jesus is your boyfriend" and I understand why they don't get it, and when you don't get it (mainly because you have not experienced it) it makes sense. But there is such a freedom in His presence to be had, there really is a divine romance to enjoy, there is a joy to linger in. You just have to be persistent and consistent. His word says He'll answer. And if there is one thing I have learned from this past year: His word is true, forever and for always.

Lamentations 3:25-27 "God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times"

2 Chronicles 16:9 "The eyes of the LORD search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."

Matthew 7:7 "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you."

Deuteronomy 4:29 "But from there you will seek the LORD your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul."

Jeremiah 29:13 "When you look for me, you will find me. When you wholeheartedly seek me."

Revelation 2:4 "But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first"

Seek Him. He answers. He is our true Lover.

Settling In

2011-08-11T00:20:00.001-04:00

"Once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you’ve been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are. George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it". Clearly, Shaw had his heart broken once or twice." - One Tree Hill cast

The last five years I feel as if I have lived out of boxes. I was at school, I was back home, I was in a foreign country, I was out of state- I was always :::somewhere, doing something::: and always with my boxes.

I spoke to a girl earlier today who was in and out of foster care her whole life. Continually split from her brothers and sisters for years then brought back together. I imagine she feels as if her whole life is in boxes...

But I sit here tonight I am not somewhere, doing something, I am just here... and I have no boxes left. I finally decorated my room and well, this is it. This is home now. I feel safe here, relaxed and quite privileged. It is a really nice place and when I spend most of my days working with young women like the one I mentioned above, this is a very nice home.

Even with the familiar boxes in hand, I can admit I lost myself this past school year. Granted I moved three times, earned a Master's degree and started managing a non-profit- so I can use that as an excuse; Regardless I lost that sense of independence I had gained and that beautiful sparkle in my eye that let me know I had a purpose beyond just getting recognition in this life. I let my heart wander and I gained my heart's desire in two ways: One was of the Lord the other was not and George Bernard Shaw was right... oddly enough both feel like tragedies sometimes.

But, I have no boxes left... no excuses; It's time. It is time to be who I always said I was going to be. It is time to take this Urban Ministry seriously and do what I can to carry on God's message of Love. It's time to remember what I got into this crazy profession for. Contrary to popular belief, I never became a Social Worker because I thought I could save the world; I just simply did not want to ignore the pain of the world, like others can so easily do. It's time to move beyond the boxes and settle into life.

Feeling Loneliness

2011-08-01T00:06:00.002-04:00

I don't think it is being a hypocrite when you give someone good advice yet don't follow it yourself. We all do it. We know better... we just don't.

wis·dom//wizdəm// : Knowing the best thing to do and actually doing it.

I remember telling him how healthy it is to feel loneliness and to not fill it. To sit there and allow your heart to ache and just breath. I know to everyone that might not make sense-- but we get so busy trying to make our lives 'okay' that we forget it is perfectly normal to not be okay. In fact that is possibly the only true 'normalcy'; sometimes things are good and sometime they are not. Just the same as the only constant in life is change.

I don't agree with staying in this place for an extended period of time but sometimes we have to let our heart get there. Turn off 'Desperate Housewives' and allow the tears to come. Allow our souls to cry out. Feel it; Live it.

Life //lif// : The act of existing and The routined yet spontaneous day to day activity

I wonder what point I am trying to get across tonight... I guess to just be honest: the weirdest things make me lonely. I have attended five weddings this summer. None of which have made me yearn for a significant other or romance. Oddly enough they all made me crave Christian fellowship-- a group of guys & gals encouraging one another in faith and righteousness. I thought nothing of whom my groom will be, but more so if my bridesmaids would be the same as these girls; Those who had been praying over the bride and encouraging her to guard her heart throughout the relationship. But it is those times where I get out of work and realize I have the night to myself and the summer air is picture perfect-- then I kick myself for not having someone special to share it with-- almost wishing I would have continued to compromise in any of my -not-meant-to-be relationships.

I miss laughing the most. I understand that I laugh about twice as much as everyone else I know-- but there are different laughs. And I can't pinpoint any one person in my day to day life right now who can get me to laugh... like really laugh.

Now that the business of summer and vacationing is over I need to start reaching out to more friends again. Friends who are chasing after righteousness, friends who refuse to let compromises come between them and the Lord, friends who won't let me settle for loneliness when I can be having a conversation with a Living God. I feel like I need a group... not just random 'besties' here and there. I truly believe this goes beyond my need for acceptance and really defines what it is to be in Christian Community.

be·long //biˈlôNG// : To be a part of [[a God centered adventure]]

I guess a part of this cry for fellowship really is a desire for Proverbs 27:17: "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." I want to run this race with others. Period. I want to surround myself with those who consistently remind me: I am worth waiting for. Because no matter how he made me feel... I am.

You've Been on my Mind

2011-07-13T23:57:00.003-04:00

I was in the office. Seemed like a regular day; then I got the phone call.

One of Dad's best friend had taken his own life :::tragedy strikes:::

In those moments who do you call? When your knees get weak and you know you can't be alone. Since this was over a month ago- I called him. And as he drove me to my hometown I played Adele's "One and Only" over and over again. Holding back some tears, then at other times letting them go. The way she throws her soul into the music was the exact 'real-ness' I needed at that moment.

Now you'd think this would be a post about tragedy. Or God's goodness through the pain- perhaps ::triumph:: But alas, it is not. This post, as with all the others, is about being lovesick.

He's been on my mind. And no (thank heavens) it is not who you are thinking. The boy driving the car was only an instrument to remind me how much I love being in love... with the man who CREATED love.

I am God's one and only. He always has me on his mind.
(that goes for you as well-ya just have to believe it)

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3)

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17)

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15)

Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever (Psalm 136:26)

How precious to me are your thoughts towards me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand. (Psalm 139:17-18b)

God's goodness through that tragedy (and other letdowns that week) were just overwhelming. This life is hard, it really sucks at times (no doubt) and NONE of us like to do it alone. One of the saddest sights to me is to see a lonely person. Whether they are 13, 39, or 93. Being alone, feeling isolated, neglected or as desperate as my Dad's friend must have been... is just indescribably painful to my heart.

But to know we can do life with God, to never be alone- ever is literally the best security one can have. ((Deut. 31:6)) Once you enter into that RELATIONSHIP with God you'll listen to songs like Adele's "One and Only" and be able to move past the guy driving the car and instead hear God whisper the lyrics into your heart.

"You've been on my mind

I grow fonder every day,

lose myself in time just thinking of your face

God only knows why it's taking me so long

to let my doubts go

You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before

Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,

You never know if you never try to forget your past

And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only

Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms

So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can

Walk that mile

Until the end starts

Have I been on your mind?

You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time

At the mention of my name, will I ever know

How it feels to hold you close

And have you tell me which ever road I chose you'll go"

When 3am knocks..

2011-07-11T23:48:00.002-04:00

Hello Blogworld! To preface all this, since I am trying to stick to a budget, I still do not have a smartphone. However, I plan to by the end of summer. With that I know I will lose the information I have on my current phone. I was looking at all my locked texts thinking- hey these are some real emotions, I really want to save these. All of these 'texts' were notes from myself when my phone was more conveinetly located than a pen and paper. For example most of the quoted ones are from sermons where I forgot a pen or coffee house chats with friends. As for the others well.. almost all of them were written at 3am laying in my bed this past year. The first year living semi alone after being in a dorm for years.

Some came to me like a kick in the gut that would awake me and give me a feeling of urgency to remember what was just whispered into my heart. These ones I sometimes didn't even realize I texted until the next morning (thank you Holy Spirit). Others were from two different heartbreaking moments where you find yourself waking up in tears in the early morning, knowing you must seem like a fool to the rest of the world hurting so much, but at the same time knowing it is healthy to grieve a lost relationship. (and 3am may or may not be the only time I am still enough to do so). So alas, here they are. Simple nuggets of thoughts, wisdom, or quotes I wanted to keepsake.

June 10th, 2010: "How can she possibly know him, when she does not even know herself"

June 11th, 2010: Don't settle, don't compromise, don't even try to make an exccuse- it's either meant to be or it is not. Do not not work through anything but don't think everything should have to be worked on either. He is either the man you want to marry, someone you can inspire to be that man, or he is not. Stop wasting your time, efforts, beauty, and love in a worldly sense. Fall in love with God, fall in love with you and the right man chase you

July 5th, 2010: "What is it about yourself that you believe that is so bad? That does not allow you to be alone. Where is the root? You need accountabilty and those to hold you up in those moments of weakness"

"Those who won't let you compromise, know how good you are"

'Learn from this. You can for pay for education instead of just paying for a mistake"

July 6th, 2010: The easiest person to lie to is yourself. It is not humanly possible to act the way we do and be with someone so much and not grow attached. It is all a choice. You choose to fill your void the way you do, even if it is subconsciously. You have to be your own heart's best friend- if you don't care for it: no one else will.

July 16th, 2010: It is hard to heal others' broken hearts when you are worries about your own.

August 15th, 2010: The question has never been do I love you enough to stand by- but it has always been: am I suppose to stand by. And the answer I got was no. So I had to surrender what i loved more that anything else in this world. Not just you- but the idea of you, of us, of growing old and getting rich. The front porch and the back deck. The country road with an airplane runway. It was knowing all the time I spent dreaming, thinking and worrying were wasted... but only in the sense of they will never come true now... but then wasted because they were real. They were real hope. They were realistic hopes. They were ours. Now there will never be an us like we imagines. Somehow us will always be- even if it is only used in the past tense from now on. I always wondered what it would feel like to let someone go, to let yourself go- to let the dreams subside. And here it is the end of us. The end of an elongated romance, a pursuing, a battle, a love, and although I know that means there is too a beginning to be had, to be celebrated and longed for that is not where my heart is and where it has been. It has been with you, recklessly abandoned in your arms. And before I gave it over to you, it belonged to you. I kept it as hidden as I could until your gentleness overtook me, your words calmed me and your love convinced me that this was it- this is where I belonged and I handed you my heart. holding my breathe, hoping you would know hot to treat it right and to do so out of the goodness of your heart. I wanted you to teach me... teach me everything. I wanted you to shoe me, show me what it is to love, to dream, and to be a child of God. I wanted this to make sense and someday I know it will. not just because it sounds nice, but because I believe God has a purpose and a someone for each of us and this is only to better our lives with Him. That is the hope anyway... So to us- the us we use to know and be. The us we never thought we would lose and to the us we unfortunately have to become. Let it be the best us we can possibly be after being the best us we already were

August 15th, 2010: I have known that love is a commitment and not a feeling, but it was not until the lovesick feeling was gone that I had to ask myself... am I committed?

When the shiny armor begins to rust and the white horse was only a rental- reclaim your dreams for the Lord!

August 23rd, 2010: If we do it for them they will lose their sense of manhood. They have to pull it out within themselves or they will always feel inferior and be missing a crucial part of their strength. We are meant to be encouraging and inspiring, but if we are the only thing they inspire for or the only one whispering 'I believe in you'- they will lose faith in themselves to be able to do life without you. Then out of fear they will pull away from you in hopes they can be who they are meant to be: a man strong enough to hold themselves and their family (including you) up. You must let the Eagle peck its way through the egg in order for him to survive the real world.

October 17th, 2010: There is nothing more amazing then when a man swallows his pride and fights for you- instead of with you.

February 5th, 2011: Don't act like you care now. You basically packed my bags for me. Don't act like you don't want to lose me when you are the one who used me. After all this time I waited for you to show you cared... don't act like you do now. That is just not fair. As soon as I got the strength to say goodbye you want to come act like you never lied. As soon as I am about to leave my key, you reach your hand out to me. Don't. Don't act like you care now after all the damage you have done. I can only take so much. So don't play games with my heart. Just as I reach the door you reach your hand out to me... don't act like you care now.

February 11th, 2011: It is about commitment to God. Unwaivering. Things can go wrong but you are committed.

February 13th, 2011: Do not get caught up being a hostess for the world, when you are really a host of the Holy Spirit.

February 21st, 2011: How can I look at you knowing you do not care about me and still decide to give my heart away. Worship is what you give your heart away to... why do I worship you?

February 25th, 2011: If only you knew how deep your kiss cut into my heart. If only you knew the time I wasted thinking of scenarios that will never come true. If only you could see how often I foolishly check my phone to see if you have contacted me. You have invaded my thoughts, you have calloused my heart. I hate that i care for you. I fonally get the country songs that say 'go ahead and lie to me' .. it just feels right.

February 27th, 2011: Again I ask you, how can you know and not care? Do your part to free the hurting.

March 14th, 2011: Staying in a relationship you know does not work is showing you have no faith that God can provide you better. You are trying to control the circumstances, when all along he has something better for you.

March 25th, 2011: I would like to say this has been fun... but it hasn't.

April 23rd, 2011: It is like you have intentions to bring me a rose garden, but all you have done is plant thorns

A part of love is you want someone to see beyond the you- you show everyone else. You want them to see what it is that really makes you, you and tell you you are just as amazing as you were always hoping you were. You let them into those intimate places you never knew if you would share with anyone else. You let your guards down and ... they leave with a piece of you

June 19th, 2011: "The world 'fixes' people, God frees them"

"God wants to use you from an early age and He does not want you to be ministering from a broken heart"

June 25th, 2011: The world will constantly be telling you 'you are not good enough'; While God can't stop telling you how madly in love with you He is.

If Jesus had a facebook status; it would tell the world how crazy He is about you.

June 28th, 2011: When it came down to it I gave it my best. But sometimes in life there are more important things than romance.

July 1st, 2011: "2+2= yellow. It all adds up, you just have the answer wrong"

Redefining Hypocrite

2011-06-27T22:57:00.000-04:00

He would have told you in a heartbeat I was a hypocrite.
Just the type of Christian he despised.
And I would have hung my head and silently died on the inside.
The dictionary defines a hypocrite as: "a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion//a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings"
And, I got to thinking... I never pretended I was something I was not and I never hid my true feelings. In fact, if anything I spoke about too much if anything-- ask my friends!

I don't preach a gospel about perfect people who meet up on Sundays to brag about their good works... I have always spoken about broken people created by a perfect God who have chosen to have an unmatched-unbelievably sustaining- relationship with their Savoir. That one word enough speaks of us needed to be 'saved'.

Guilt is not of God. Did I do some stupid things? Yes. But they were not stupid because they contradicted my "religious beliefs" -- they were stupid because they distanced me from the true Lover of my soul. I couldn't hear his soft whispers as I let this man fill my mind with flirtatious thoughts. I missed all the joy of His creation as I stayed up too late and awoke too early all to enjoy his company instead of His.

But I won't regret it. Not only was what I felt real (as written in the urgency post) but again it only led me to understand how much I LOVE GOD. He is not a part of my life, HE IS MY LIFE. I *refuse* to feel guilty.

In this whole "struggle" or what I would like to call human nature- the desire to be desired- I heard God whisper, 'It is no longer about the battle of good versus evil; Love won that one years ago. It is about choosing to use the right weapons and believing in the victory.' It is time to pick up that good book and redefine this whole hypocrite thing.

///the grey scale of desire\\\

2011-06-24T00:53:00.000-04:00

If there was ever a time I needed to say goodbye. This would be it.

The question, 'What do you want?' seems so simplistic, so rationale, familiar, common and answerable. The question nowadays means none of those for me. We stood in the doorway of his apartment months ago ((months ago)) and he asked me two questions: 1. what do you want and 2. what do you need.

The answers differed greater than black and white. I guess that is what I am looking for-- some sort of grey. And well, I guess I have found it. To be lukewarm for the Lord and compromise in my righteousness and formed me the perfect swirl of grey. I thrive on circumstantial happiness, while serving a God of everlasting joy.

The hardest part for me to grasp in all of this is how ::faithful:: God is in the midst of my compromise. Are you readers sick of hearing that? Because I should be sick of writing about this. Compromise, compromise, compromise. But somehow it has led me to grow my roots deeper, my faith has become real-er, and my desire to know God has grown. ((weird, right?))

It is almost humorous now being in ministry, knowing all I do about the Lord and still choosing not to do my daily devotionals. Like I get phone calls daily about *big issues*. ((abortion, rape, homelessness)) and yet I can't stop and take a moment to talk to God? I have been consistently in the word (ptl) but that's not enough. What about good ol' communication with the Lord- where has that been?

Regardless, the point I have been trying to make is I need to get a grip and listen to anything but my heart ----->
The words goodbye need to happen and happen quickly and for good. The sad part is this is no ones fault but my own. I am the one who CHOSE to give my life for a higher purpose, I *chose* to work with broken wounded girls and promised I would love on them and fight on their behalf in both the physical and spiritual world. And the last thing my girls need is another person proving they are not 'good enough' without a man or base their worth on words of affirmation from a guy. They need, ((and I have been called to be)) a woman of grace, wisdom, and power from God.

The good news is it is not like it is too late or I have been given my last chance: the love and power of the cross knows no limits. No matter what you do "nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" ((romans 8))

So yet again another rant from 'Above all else' that speaks on the ::desire to be desired:: and the heart of a young women madly in love with the Lord and the idea of worldly love. I have seen myself grow too much, work too hard, and succeed rightly to live in the comfort of grey. It's just not worth it; What I want and what I need- need to start lining up.

Lost in the Maze of Religion and Fear

2011-06-11T12:10:00.000-04:00

Sometimes dreams make sense and sometimes they don't. I know many a folk who think nothing of their midnight visits from storyland and I know others who live and breathe on them as if each one was a secret message from God. If I was to be somewhere on the spectrum I would say closer to the latter. This morning I had a dream that meant something. It was almost like my subconscious was like 'Okay we're like real sick of this and even though you already woke up for the day we need you to see this!'

As I drifted back to sleep around 9:30am (oh yeah, be jealous) I found myself somewhere in a parking lot yelling over to my father. I was going on about how he didn't care about me (don't be fooled this is not the truth within the dream as when I woke up from my dream my dad had already sent his daily 'luv u, miss u' text). Back to the parking lot I found myself outside of work and one of my co-workers met me outside and wanted to let me know his church didn't support me because... Although the words were never said I felt in my heart 'it was because I was white and too inexpereinced'. Once inside the building I found a Catholic mass going on blocking all the ways I would get to my office. The congregation was only old folk and ironically an Uncle of mine who went to Seminary-- As the Nun spoke- it was very clear I was disrupting the whole service and was asked to leave. Throughout the building everything looked like it was ready to be set for an afternoon party and it seemed as if no one cared to help set up. They all just lethargically stood there. No purpose, no drive, just in the lobby of the church barely mingling. I rushed throughout the building trying to make things work and again the mass kept getting in my way- I couldn't get to anything I needed. The last thing I remember feeling before I woke up is I am so sick of being caught in this maze of Religion and Fear.

...excuse me what? Where did this come from? I mean everyone knows I am have some simple fears about the new job, but those are valid fears. I really don't know anything about the city, ministering to youth, or case management. And what about the religion? Where is that coming from...

I sat up and looked at my girlfriend's stack of books and knew I needed God to minister to me. For some reason I didn't go for The Bible, I found myself immediately reaching for a book I had never seen before Nice Girls Don't Change the World by Lynne Hybels. What a perfect moment God had me in, He shook me out of sleep and out brought my worries right to the front and in turn handed me words of truth. Sounds like our Amazing Father, doesn't it? Quotes from the books are as follows:

"Don't allow who you truly are to be lost, buried, or devalued. What is in you matters. What is most truly you matters. You have learned lessons, experienced pain, known joys, and gained a perspective nobody else has. You have an answer to the world's needs that is yours alone" (p. 63)

"A third thing I have learned about a good woman is that she sings her dong even if she's terrified. Whatever she's called to do, she does it, even if she's so scared her voice breaks, her hands shakes, and her stomach aches. She doesn't let fear stop her." (p. 65)

""Of course, fear went too and told me that every talk I had written was terrible. Every afternoon before I spoke I had to say to fear; 'Just be quiet. God has called me to do this and I'm going to trust God'" (p. 73)

"Fear always hides the truth, Fear magnifies our weaknesses and it hides our potential. Only God knew the real me and the path I needed to be on." (p. 76)

"When fear says, 'what have you gotten yourself into now?' I say, 'I think I've gotten myself into the will of God and I am not going to back down.' When fear says, 'You are not smart enough, experienced enough, or strong enough to do what you are trying to do,' I say, 'Well, I serve a God who specializes in using people as flawed as me, so you might as well give up.'" (p. 77)

Sounds like just what I needed to hear right? A gentle reminder again that is saying 'HEY GUESS WHAT?! You can't earn God's love-- sorry baby girl- no can do.' But the book also added the much needed slap across the face that screams 'HEY, I made you this way on purpose remember? Don't you think I know what I got you into? Don't you know my perfect love casts out fear? Have I not told you? Be STRONG AND COURAGEOUS!'

I just absolutely love the way she ends the book. She speaks about getting out of her depression by choosing to take risks and stand up to fear- which is obviously powerful but what she ends the book with just gives me chills. The main thing needed to do so? A group of women, encouraging her and living life with her. She quotes: "I needed women to grab my hands and say 'Let's pray about this'. Then I needed women to tell me to rent a silly movie that would make me laugh hysterically. I needed women to say, 'You have gifts, and you feel strongly about certain things, and we are not going to let you withdraw from life. You need to show up!' Then I needed women to say, 'Lighten up! Celebrate! Go shopping and add a little color to your black wardrobe.' I needed women to say, 'Who you are is okay, and we love you for it'. I still need that." (p. 86)

mMmMMmm... Thank you Lord for this relaxing morning, and for the much needed reminders and reassurance. I pray that you will bless the women in my life that are those things for me. I pray that I will be able to turn fear down when he tries to speak and I ask that you pour favor and love over what is being done at YFC and we would all know that we cannot earn your love. Yet we can REST in it.

the urgency: it will always be there

2011-06-08T01:20:00.001-04:00

If anyone is a faithful follower of this blog you will know two things: 1. I have not been writing nearly as much as I use to. 2. Somehow One Tree Hill inspires me to write.

Earlier today I received a text from a hometown friends inquiring about my lack of blogging. I honestly did not have an answer for him. It makes me laugh so hard reading my last post. Praise the Lord so much has changed since then. God has won the battle for my heart-- you may ask: what's new right? Well- what's new is I can honestly say that I understand the scripture-- Philippians 3:8: "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ".

Nothing compares to God's love. Nothing on this earth can bring enough-- e.n.o.u.g.h anything. A man promising forever will never bring enough security. Enough money will never bring enough happiness. Having the right things, education, career, mission statement, or outfit will never bring enough acceptance. And those are not just words you can read and believe, it is something you have to experience and cling to.

And guess who already wrote about this? Well I wrote about the beginning stages of God blocking my paths to other securities. Then I broke through to those securities anyway.. and afterwards God, being both gentle and stern, says 'was it worth it Kerri?'. He knows the answer is no... only He is worth it. I wrote on my status the other night "It’s a beautiful misery falling in love with God. It’s like you have access to everything you've ever wanted-- but nothing in this world can satisfy you... except Him." A lot of friends didn't grasp what I meant--but I do, I actually get it now.

"You are good, You are good

When there's nothing good in me

You are love, You are love

On display for all to see

Oh, I'm running to your arms,

I'm running to arms

The riches of your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign"

-Hillsong

With that being said, my second thought comes to this. The world will never be enough, yet it does not make the feelings we have in it not real. Should we act on them all? No. Do they give us insight into what parts of us need fulfillment in God still- absolutely. And our feelings 'feel' so real and urgent don't they? Have you ever sat up waiting for a text from someone that seems so absolutely important at that time? Have you ever screamed at someone in hopes that they would actually pull you closer? Have you ever brought harm to yourself physically or emotionally because at that moment it truly feels like life is never going to get better? We are so controlled by our emotions, impulses, and chemical reactions to pleasure and pain.

What really gets me though is our unwillingness to let go of emotions of the past. Now, I won't get real deep on this (although I could) how bitterness, unforgiveness, and false hope kill a soul (prov. 14:30) but more so the idol-ness we have for the good memories. The "one love" who got away. The baseball championship. The good ol' days. Something One Tree Hill will never let me forget. As I let the world slip away tonight and actually *relaxed* meaning I didn't do side work while hanging out with people or watching a movie- I remembered how real things felt at seventeen. Just as inspiring as my time with God now, was the emptiness that drew me near Him. Think about it, even the professional marketers know seventeen is where it is at. Where our emotions are raw, our impulses drive us to actually cave into those unnecessary advertisements, and there is a huge void needed to be filled-

Last year I wrote this "Then there is the last day of my high-school career. We sat on the hood of my '93 and he gave me a guitar pick necklace. He made it. It was cheap. But I knew he cared. And I knew somewhere out there, there was :::real::: love. Unconditional love and I was going to find it." Now, I did find that love and it was not from the boy sitting on that hood-- and I am unbelievably grateful, content, and just overjoyed. But I also can't deny that life seems so real in the moment. That somehow memories don't fade entirely and if we let them, the emotions tag along for the long haul. Said best by P. Sawyer (and previously quoted on here before)

"Dear Molly, this is gonna sound a little strange but I'd like you to paint over my old closet door. The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself... make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface. Love Peyton."

As for now it is time for bed- Keep it real and above all else: Love.

And so I chose

2011-05-03T01:12:00.001-04:00

This has been the longest time I have gone without blogging since 'above all else:love' creation in 2008. It is not that the end of March and all of April had nothing to say, I was just too ashamed to say it. Which is also ironic ((for real)) because this is also the most blessed harvest season I have ever had.

My life is completely different now. I begin work full time as the Program Coordinator of Successful Pathways of YFC on May 9th. I moved into a beautiful city apartment this past week. I am living with my her. I am graduating from with my MSW this weekend. And I chose to give my heart away.

In the most blessed season of my life, the very moment God and I were beginning to celebrate entering the most exciting chapter of our relationship-- I chose to give my heart away to someone else.

He has been around for awhile. Technically a long while since our first kiss was in high-school, but this year he has been in the picture since January. At first we were old friends- sure I thought he was great but not only was he younger than me, his life reflected nothing close to God's glory. For the month of February I listened to God's prompting to remove him from my life. However, in typical Kerri coping I pulled away altogether physically but instead of releasing my desire for him, I held on emotionally. Then in March everything changed. We both knew we had began to fall. So what about April then, why do I have no link to post with it? Well, I kinda did what I wanted. I fell into my old habits, I let him romance me and began to "need" God less and less.

I am not saying I am a lost cause or he is an idol in my life-- but I did choose and I can't honestly say it was the best one. I really thought I was going to be single a lot longer than this. I really thought my next guy would be a pastor. I really thought I was stronger than this. But then there is the feeling I get when I am with him. I feel young again. I feel so incredibly beautiful when he looks at me, its overwhelming. When I see him, I see hope of what could be. I feel safe and secure. I know it is okay to be honest and be the true me. And yes this is all great and all, but didn't I already have this in God? For real though, I did. I mean I still do, but having someone physically here is just that much easier and ((more fun)) to some extent.

So where do we go from here? Normally I end my blogs with some great scripture reclaiming my dreams for the Lord... but tonight I just wanted to be honest. I had to let you know where my heart has been. Seeing my choice written out in black and white brings my heart so much unrest, yet when I think of our last date I am left smiling.

Here I am a simple girl truly been saved by the grace of God, yet still desires to be desired. This is the struggle-- fulfilling myself elsewhere when I have experienced the goodness of grace. This is not about me feeling guilty because I 'should' be doing something the church told me. This is about me knowing and have already experienced a love that does not need a substitute, yet still choosing to allow one into my life.

desiring righteousness

2011-03-13T18:26:00.003-04:00

Here's a real unhappy thought... when did I stop desiring righteousness?

I came back last year from Mercy with a life full of purity. My mind had literally been transformed (thanks to the Word of God), my heart had been healed (thanks to spiritual warfare) and my soul had been refreshed (thanks to God's faithful spirit). Within this past semester though I have watched myself let go-- little by little the 'things' I promised I would never allow back in my life have crept back in. Now, don't mishear me- I am not talking about any one thing or any one person, but more overall apathy for these little compromises entering my life (and spirit) again. I am not stating all this to ask really when, why or how- I know those, more so to sit and really stare at my own words... when did I stop desiring righteousness?

Yesterday was great, I got to really hang out with a few of my friends and celebrate being young. Young as in the way our self-fulfilling culture defines young and at the end of the night we decided we would go dancing. At one of the clubs, this strikingly good looking mid twenties gal approached us. She started with the typical "My friend thinks you're hott" line and we just kinda danced it off and let it be. Stuck with each other and made small talk with her (well as much as is possible while dancing). She retreated to a corner with some guys and a few minutes later came back and asked us what we were doing after the club, we all responded with 'sleep' as she continued to invite us to a party afterward. My hopes are now that she really meant a party. Like an old fashioned stumbling drunk party (not that that's good but it is better than what she was referring to). I thanked her like a bazillion times for the offer while declining as we all continued to dance. It could have just been a typical moment at a club, no big deal. Except even in my cheerful state of a good day with some really great friends, as we were leaving the club- I thought back to the scene... her friends were not really her friends were they? and the party was not just a party was it?

*sigh. Entering the rainy streets that morning at 2am-- God broke my heart and I knew she was caught in the chains of prostitution. Could I be making this up, over social-working it? For sure- but I don't think I am. From our culture's standpoint she was beautiful, absolutely gorgeous. Hollywood would have hired her in a heartbeat. The glitter that covered her eyeslids shined throughout the whole place. My heart now wonders-- what if her heart and life shined of beauty as much as her appearances did. I am not going to act like she doesn't have another choice and that culture should pity her... she does have a choice-- she just does not know she is worth making the right one. In 2009, I wrote this post: But, she knows it not. (read it now, its real quick and will give substance to this post). Even in my apathetic state towards purity- this girl and her lost heart just kill me... I pray she will know the everlasting love of her Savior... and that she will know it very soon. I know God can transform, I know God can heal and use our lives of destruction for God-- I just pray she makes the right choice to bow to God and not to lust.

Don't misread this either. This is not a wholesome christian praying on behalf of a lost soul, this is one sinner praying for another. One adulteress hoping the other can be stronger than her and escape the chains of promiscuity. The only difference is I know I am worth waiting for. I know I am a child of a God who desires to lavish me with love everyday. This is of course assuming that she does not know this (maybe she does) but for the sake of this post, 'she knows it not'.

We have to come to a point in our lives where we love ourselves more than we desire to receive love from others. *whoo- that's heavy, at least for me- wow thank you Holy Spirit. Another one of my famous lines deals with giving things up for the Lord or living righteously-- it is not about abstaining from something, but rather fulfilling ourselves in God so we no longer desire what it is that is not good for us, or our hearts. Then we can start really influencing those around us for the good of the Kingdom, not just to fulfill our own selfish desires. Similarly, I wrote this last week in my theology paper:

"I am desperate for the Lord to show up in my career. I desire for His will to be done over all of my to-do lists and meetings.I truly want to force myself to see “beyond [my] defense of busyness, and begin to see [myself] accurately as a thirsty person in need of a gracious Savior. “ (McMinn, 1996, p. 75). I want to know and stand solid in the fact that prayer is not about me getting my way or Him solving a problem but it “is a battle against distractions, discouragements and deadenings from Satan and from [my own] sinfulness” (Packer, 1995, p. 98). I do not wrestle with God, His ways are perfect but I distract my own self from His goodness and guidance in my work."

How much more true is this in my personal life? So I am going to fight. Fight myself and my fleshly desires with the best way I know how- the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God. I am going to get that thirst back- not on my own effort but by allowing God to fulfill me with His love and wisdom.

Psalm 23: 3 - He refreshes and restores my life (my self); He leads me in the paths of righteousness [uprightness and right standing with Him--not for my earning it, but] for His name's sake.
Psalm 17: 5 - As for me, I will continue beholding Your face in righteousness (rightness, justice, and right standing with You); I shall be fully satisfied, when I awake [to find myself] beholding Your form [and having sweet communion with You].
Isaiah 32: 17- And the effect of righteousness will be peace [internal and external], and the result of righteousness will be quietness and confident trust forever.
Psalm 5: 12- For You, Lord, will bless the [uncompromisingly] righteous [him who is upright and in right standing with You]; as with a shield You will surround him with goodwill (pleasure and favor).
1 Timothy 6: 11- But as for you, O man of God, flee from all these things; aim at and pursue righteousness (right standing with God and true goodness), godliness (which is the loving fear of God and being Christlike), faith, love, steadfastness (patience), and gentleness of heart.
1 Peter 3: 12- For the eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous (those who are upright and in right standing with God), and His ears are attentive to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who practice evil [to oppose them, to frustrate, and defeat them].
Proverbs 21: 3- To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice.

Not the typical abortion post

2011-02-21T22:20:00.003-05:00

A lot of my followers are not going to enjoy this post and I understand their outrage. But this is where I am today, this is how I feel. Me, the one in the trenches, who day after day not only sees but feels the pain of those in poverty and living life without health care and hope.

I do not agree with defunding Planned Parenthood. I know, I can see the look on your face.. and I get it, I do. I am pro-life, I swear it-- but as one of my main role models, Nancy Alcorn (founder of Mercy Ministries), urges Christians to not picket and whine about abortion clinics, instead, she says, start giving the girls alternative options (give them your resources to relieve their fear, babysit, provide transportation, fund organizations like Mercy) [please note that comment has nothing to do with prayer, I believe intercessory prayer can change things and is not vain, what is vain is yelling at a girl as her whole life crumbles down around her]

At my internship, I work hand and hand with Planned Parenthood, quite often. They provide my clients with health services that otherwise would leave them vulnerable to a very harsh world. Sometimes I wonder if the world takes better care of the hurting then we [those who know the hope of the Lord] do. I mean at least they are trying... we might not [actually I know we don't] agree with their tactics but they are trying to help. A majority of us 'church goers' close our eyes and choose to ignore the harshness of reality. [please also note none of the Christians I associate with are these people, don't think this is directed at you at all]

This post really has nothing to do with abortions exactly, since the money being taken away does not go towards that service offered, but I figure the title would catch some new readers in. It's just I am struggling with the fact if I am compromising in my appreciation on Planned Parenthood. But... I just, I know they are well intended. Those opposed to them say they have no respect for human life as they allow for abortions, but on the other hand they do care about human life, that's why they do it... they care about the hurting, confused girl in front of them. In their eyes, they are doing what is best. Do I agree with it? No. Do I grieve enough for those lost lives that God had plans for? Most definitely not. But I don't want to see how much worse things will get for my girls if they lose the benefits of receiving free services to health care, STD testing, birth control, parenting workshops, and counseling.

However, at the same time, I am limiting God with that belief. I am assuming that He will not provide a better service, or transformation for these girls instead. And I know transformation is possible, but not everyone chooses that so... is it okay to settle for rooting on the world's version of "help", while keeping in prayer that the girls will choose the freedom in Christ offered? I believe we have to meet people where they are at- and if that is handing out free condoms and clean needles [different organization] I think so be it. The world will always be fallen. We gotta do what we can, you can't ask someone to stop living a risky lifestyle until they expereince the love of Christ and choose obedience as a response to His faithfulness.

My thoughts then? Let's start focusing on giving people the opportunity to expereince God's goodness. Let's get out there in those trenches [wherever you feel lead to, this is not an exhaustible list of places] let's start healing, let's start SHOWING the good news along with preaching it. If Planned Parenthood's defunding is an answered cry from so many faithful, faithful children of God, so be it-- let it be then. But let's not leave the lost, lost. We have to replace that system, with something that works, something Godly... and please don't read this post and think your are not capable of bringing change, because you are.

First, get on board with God, learn what it is to be loved for just being you. Realize you were created on and for a purpose. Begin to dream and partner with God, as He begins to show you places in your life that need to be lined up with His word and be obedient [that also means you have to make the choice to read his word]. Refocus your thinking from what you can't do, to how great God is and what you two can do together and then do it. He promises He will be with you every step of the way.

Whether you agree with my thoughts or not, let's agree that it is a broken world out there. No one, and no agency is perfect. We are all striving to make up for an original sin that none of us can reverse. We are stuck on this side of heaven, desperately seeking and creating what we think are the 'right ways' and 'most effective treatments' for our own pain and grief. Even those who have found forgiveness, healing, deliverance and joy in Christ, continue to fall, continue to sin, we're all wrong, we're all imperfect. We'll only know true peace in heaven and at that point I'll know if my support of Planned Parenthood was wrong or not.

Opposing veiwpoints can be found here: Christian Post and Planned Parenthood
Rochester, NY statistics can be found here: Skip to the last page and be shocked, check out these numbers and although sketchy website this is fact.
Healing for Abortions can be found here: messymiracles.org , Mercy Ministries and Forgiven & set free
God's grace can be found: anywhere you decided to turn to Him.
Answers to all this craziness found in your prayers and listening to God's calling for your life.

-without an ache-

2011-02-14T23:58:00.001-05:00

Praise Report, small but still very significant. This morning, I woke up without an ache for more, it just wasn't there... on valentines day none the less. The very day that most people, who normally don't even care- ache.

It has been a long time since I felt as alive as I did yesterday. As sad as it sounds, I was finally in a room of Christians who actually wanted to talk about God. Sounds weird, right? I won't dwell on it- I am just happy- no not happy- satisfied.

Since August I have spent at least an hour driving everyday, most likely almost two hours a day. And yesterday for the first time, I drove home in the silence. No music, no phone calls, no bombarding thoughts of lust and envy. Just silence.

In that moment God filled my mind with beautiful scenes, new dreams, and love. It wasn't anything special- like a face to face moment- it was just me and the silence, Him and His goodness. Something I have longed for, for a long time. ((not that my actions would show you that most of the time. the way I still disgustingly fill my time with things that don't matter and waste my thoughts on daydreams that only entertain the flesh))

It could have been the sermon. TFH rocked it yesterday. It was about renewing your mind and rejecting the lies of the enemy. A sermon I am very, very familiar with. But it felt different this time.

It could have also been the prayers of my faithful prayer warriors (let me know if you want to join my email list for my ministry). It was also the same day I started a new journal. Which I don't want to over spiritualize but I know God has been preparing for a new season and I felt the significance of *her giving me that journal.

.a season without ache.

As a team we have so much to get done this season, I just know it. Like I said a few posts back somehow I have just known. I know He will take care of me. I know I will no longer have to thirst. I know He is the ultimate healer. I know He is good. And even in tragedy He will save me and I will stay committed to Him. I get it, I do. Urban Ministry is no joke, but with my mind back to being focused on God ((something I know I will have to continually do)) I feel so ready. It must be Him, I know it is not me. I am under-qualified and ignorant. But with Him, with Him... anything is possible *smiles* I really mean it.

How amazing it is also that last year this day I spent the whole day with the Mercy girls. How blessed I was to be a part of their transformation. To experience love :::real love::: with them. The kind of love that dies for you, even when you dismiss Him. The kind of loves that fills you up when you call on His name... and leaves you no longer aching for the world. yay.

Psalm 91: 14-16

2011-02-14T17:01:00.002-05:00

“Because she loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue her;
I will protect her; for she acknowledges my name.
She will call on me, and I will answer her;
I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honor her.
With long life I will satisfy her; and show her my salvation.”

Rescue. Protection. Answers. Guidance. Never alone. Deliverance. Honor. Long life. Satisfaction. Salvation. Why? Because she loves me, acknowledges my name, and calls on me.

Glee drama: The pictures say it all

2011-02-08T22:35:00.001-05:00

I am really going to catch slack for this post. Readers, don't hate too much. Just got done watching Glee. Ridiculous show, horrible morals and stereotypes but- love it. Mainly because my eleven year old cousin and I can both watch it together. But don't get to thinking I am a fanatic or anything, I barely follow the love drama, I mean you'd have to take notes to really follow, they change crushes faster than real high-schoolers.

So, here it is. They got me with this line: "Just because I can’t be with you, doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you". Ahhh, come on Glee don't tease my heart like that. That is everything I want to hear. *sigh. I don't relate to the couple at all that said this, but I can relate to the feelings captured in this picture:

This picture was entitled 'Heartbreak'. Can't you see why?

They use to be together. They don't make sense at all as a couple. He has already kissed a bazillion other girls after they called it quits, but she still cares about him. She still wishes he would chose her, the goody good, over all the other girls throwing themselves at him. But even if he did 'choose' her they wouldn't work. She is ridiculously goal oriented. She's got a drive in her that is going to take her places, others her age can only dream of. He... well he is into being popular. He wants to have the best clothes, win all the football games and still stay tender hearted as he tempts every girl he meets with his charm, on purpose.


This is what fighting desire looks like

But still--she swears they had a connection. It made sense in her head. They continue into the season with both of them hurting each other, one cheating, another one lying. This episode, he released her. Well, she released herself from the confusion. He kissed another girl and said it felt like 'fireworks'. She knew even if he did feel that way for her at one point, he doesn't now. It was time to let him go. Let go of the foolish promises she held on to for way, way too long. Time to chase her dream alone and not let the weight of some charmer drag her down. As he said even though he could not ((or did not want to)) be with her, he still believed in her. He still thought she was a bombshell, just not the right girl for him. Wisdom, as I like to say, is knowing better and actually not doing it. So here is to wisdom. Here is to chasing dreams and letting go. Not that I have a related story or anything...

It's like I knew without knowing: A tribute to 2010

2011-02-08T00:20:00.001-05:00

An amazing part of going to a Christian college has been the integration of faith in Social Work. One class in particular, the integration is the main focus and I love it!! One of our assigned readings is a book called "Spiritual Disciplines Handbook: Practices That Transform Us". It gives suggestions on simple activities and responses to God that allows space for god to show up. Our assignments then are to do one 'discipline' a week and report back on how it went.

This week I decided to indulge in self-care. Something others say I am not good at, but I really think for being as busy as I have always been and quite the overachiever I really do know when to take a break. Friday night I hung out with one of my girlfriends and just got ice cream and talked. Tonight I headed home after class, spread out a blanket and read love letters I have sent up to God throughout the past year.

I got to thinking about how amazing and completely transforming this year has been. I mean everything is different... everything. And for once I don't want to go back--- I want to go forward! Yay, for change! God orchestrated this whole year. He knew the challenges I would face, He knew the desires I would sacrifice for Him. He knew how Graduate school was going to turn out and He most certainly knew I would find my heart's resting place at my internship. The very thing I was aching to have since my arrival back from Tennessee.

At the same time I was thinking about the photographer I work for ((also a real good friend for those who don't know http://danachristinephotography.com)) and how she got to follow around a newly engaged couple (that morning) around all day as the gentleman surprised his bride to be with extravagant displays of love and elegance. I began to say out loud that I long for that and in the same breath I laughed and realize I already have it... God has shown me HIS BRIDE TO BE extravagant displays of love and favor and honor and grace and mercy and faithfulness. Time and time again this year, God heard my cry, He showed up and He provided. How can I be nothing but grateful?

So I decided to re-live this year trek I have had with Him. I knew my new year really didn't begin with January 1st, I think He was saving it for this moment. The moment I would realize how amazing He truly is and how blessed I am to be His child and lover all at the same time. He wanted me to sit in the blessings of the year and send Him praise, so He can begin to unfold my future. My very lovely future.

So, if you have the time you are more than welcome to join me in re-living a beautiful year of my life. I pulled out different writings that now looking back make perfect sense for what He was teaching me in that season. Heartaches and celebrations that at the time were unprecedented. Somehow though, it's like I knew without knowing. I knew God saw my desires and He would answer, I just did not He would do it so perfectly and so quickly <3

Starting with my travels to Tennessee and living through the love and pain I experienced there. Then my return home that left me void and confused. My beginning journey into adulthood with my internship and Graduate school. My final decision to end things with Ryan and the unbelievable favor He poured into my life concerning my future at Youth For Christ. See what it is that has me so in love with this crazy God, this amazing, sweet romancer who never ceases to surprise me. Me, His bride to be =)

(1-14-10)

*The unknown... the unanswered... the leaving it in Jesus's hands...
the full gas tank with 800 miles to go...
the fresh packed luggage soon to be unpacked...
the closed door soon to be opened,
the first impressions ready to be made...
the unknown- what a weird place to be*

(1-22-10)

It is so obvious He is jealous for my heart, He needs my full commitment to move on in everything, He needs to know that he can trust me to do His work, that He can start a fire in me and I will properly release it to others… and I am, I am holding back.

(1-24-10)

but even more so I believe I feel this craving because God wants me. I believe before he can answers the prayers of my heart, I must first remember what it is to marvel in His presence. What a blessing it is to sit at His feet and learn the ways of the Kingdom and feel His glory shine upon my face.

(1-24-10)

Tears fill my eyes and start to run down my cheeks as I write- this is not common for me. Although emotional by nature, my heart is just overflowing with His desire for me. Yes, desire. That is exactly what I feel. He desires to be with me. He desires to hear my voice. He desires to see my dreams come true. He desires me. And honestly, what woman does not long to feel desired for? Or- desire to be longed for. I am not the creator of this thought, but why do you think we all have such underlying emotions, such strong ties to hope, a common need to be loved?

(2-1-11)
Shadowing what I can of the Program Director, as she has the job I want someday... but as I like to be, she is very busy.

(2-9-10)

Somehow in this process of myself staring at this hole I don't fit into,

I am falling more in love with myself.

I know who I am and I love it.

I know who I am in Christ.

(3-4-10)

Am I meant to be great? Yes, but for His glory not mine. Am I meant to achieve? Yes, but not for my benefit but for others. Am I meant to do great things? Yes, but on His strength, not mine. Am I meant to get praise. No, no I'm not. I am here to serve not be served.

(3-7-10)

In your hearts you start questioning, "Yeah Kerri - that sounds nice but what about this addiction I am battling, what about my headaches that won't go away, what about the sexual abuse, what about waking up day after day feeling hopeless? How can I experience God and keep those out of my life once and for all? I am just so sick of battling this..."My answer, stop battling. Not even just the battle but the war has already been won. Step into God's love.

(3-7-10)

I am right there Kerri, telling you when to turn, when to stop when to put it into reverse. I will never leave you nor forsake you. It is your turn to lead. It's coming Kerri and it's coming soon so just prepare your heart.

(3-24-10)

I feel so emotional here.

Like a train wreck yet peaceful.

Completely uncomfortable yet purposed.

Unstable yet steady.

Manic yet wise.

(3-30-10)

Well, I guess that is why I am here. that is why I am a 'christian' the other six days of the week. That is why I consume myself in Your word, That is why I chase after Your goodness. That is why I refuse to compromise anymore. If-for-nothing-else that You will conquer in their lives- because in this story the battle has already been won, they just don't know it yet."

(4-11-10)

And I don't care how great OR NOT great your parents, environment, childhood was- it affects you, and you can't be blind to it. You must awaken your repressed thoughts, you must kick those awful coping mechanisms, you must figure out the root of why you are, the way you are and deal with it. Look your past straight in the face & say you are stronger then before and it can't have you anymore. Stand on solid ground and refuse to let it's complacency, it's denial, and it's ache rule your life anymore. Even when hurt is all you have ever known and it's easier to just continue on the familiar path- REPENT, meaning turn from your ways! Save yourself and those who desperately love you.

(4-11-10)

Ask me what I learned in Tennessee, this is my answer: I am worth waiting for.

(4-18-10)

And if you feel like you have already done that and you are dried up tired of waiting for your calling, getting no response- begin to do what Jesus did, that will keep you busy for awhile. Heal the sick, believe for miracles, sow into his kingdom, naturally and supernaturally.

(4-18-10)

I just get this picture in my head of my standing on stage with thousands of believers in the audience and saying "You want revival? You want revival?" Then one by one I point to my heart, my head and my wave my hands and whisper revival each time to motion that revival must begin in ourselves first. Live a life greater than a great life. Then, the revival will come, and the revival will come. But it is only after the THEN that it can come. Delight in Him and He will delight in you.

(4-21-10)

Twice this week I have gone off on two guy friends of mine about how destructive promiscuity is. I mean you can't look at the girl's faces I have been for these months and tell me differently. People get hurt by all of us lonely ones trying to fill a void with semi-good relationships. We need to hold out, stop jumping into everything... especially beds. So I've learned a lot about this topic obviously.

(4-21-10)

As for all the other questions, I don't really know- words don't really explain. I mean how do you tell someone that your entire inner being has completely changed? How do you describe the transformations I have seen? How do you depict the picture of life living in God's favor?

(4-28-10)

Lessons learned thus far from being home:

You can cry a lot of tears behind rosy sunglasses, without anyone noticing.
Friends are the ones who can look past your frown and remember how great your usual smile is and won't stop making you laugh until your smile is back.
Being in love is a wonderful thing.
Sometimes the best thing to do is just move on.
God is bigger than our plans.

(4-28-10)
It's not that I am craving to be back south, actually I am not desiring to be anywhere. Nothing feels right. And my friends all swear it is for the best and something better is on it's way and perhaps they are right. But wow, my heart is aching for rest. There is no peace within this soul... something is not right, something is stirring- somethings about to change.

(4-28-10)

What if it is time to begin, like :::really::: begin. What if my ministry life is right around the corner? What if something crazyyy is about to happen?

(5-1-10)
We wondered are we wasting our youth? Shouldn't the age of 22 be filled with late nights, high heels and memorable stories? This is a place I come back to often. This question of whose to say what is fun anyway.

(6-18-10)

It is funny I would have no idea how to tell someone how to get from point A to B now--even though that was one of the points of this blog tocapture those moments and hopefully use them to touch people in their walk. But it would almost be like asking a drunk woman for directions...

Hmmm... what a wonderful thought, being drunk on Him and His wine.

(6-26-10)

So here is the tribute to the place that loved on my unconditionally, ripped insecurities out of me and replaced them with true confidence. Here is to the town that taught me what quality and richness of life really is. Here is to the people truly chasing after God's heart and unwilling to compromise life--and succeeding in miracles because of it. Here is to the minsitry that awoken my heart and made a worker out of me. I miss you, all of you. But again, I know it's here where I am meant to be-- for now.

(8-15-10)

I can be the Kerri who is on fire talkin' about freeing the captives and such or I can be the Kerri who defeated daily by torturing thoughts of worthlessness. I can think about the future and plan great dreams based on the word of God or I can use my own past to convince myself it will never happen. It's not about the emotion, it's about the truth.

(9-4-10)

He is stripping me. Every plan 'b' my heart can think of He is ruining. He has placed me in the desert and I am too mad to look up. I honestly just want to hear the words "you are so beautiful Kerri" and the worse part, I know it. I even KNOW my own insecurities. I know what it is I want, why I want it, and how I am searching for it in the wrong places. Yet.. I still search. I still crave... I still desire to be desired.

(9-4-10)

Tonight, we'd rather cry about the world than take a chance on faith.

(9-10-10)

A positive thought though is how great my internship is... like really great. God has significantly answered ALL my prayers and stayed COMPLETELY faithful to his prophesies and had DOUBLY blessed me in my work. Which is such His character, how could He do anything different but love on me, spoil me, bless me when its the last thing I deserve. Thank you Lord, Thank you for just being YOU.

(9-25-10)

Following God's plan for your life feels even better and more refreshing than an early morning run, a shower after a long camping trip, a first kiss, or the first day of fall. As many of you, I have closed doors in my life, that allows for me to notice or take on the windows God has set up for me.

(10-17-10)

We are all just lost. We are all in some way lonely. We all want a place to belong.

We all, I mean I... I just wanted to have someone see that I was having a good hair night.

(10-26-10)
So as a fair leader I wanted to do the same... what is it that God wants me to do with my *big October news... honestly folks- I have no clue. All I know is I need Him. I am desperate for Him. I feel unworthy, but He- He is good and He will speak. Here is my homework:
Joshua 1

⁶ "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. ⁷ Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. ⁸ Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. ⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Dear October, I never knew you would be the answer to all my dreams-- please, please don't let me step out of God's will.

(1-6-11)

I wonder if the process of one's life coming together is just as scary as having one's life fall apart. Change, whether for the better or worse, still evokes fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failing and most importantly fear that one will lose sight of what life is really about.

(1-6-11)

Today is the day. This is the season. There will be salvation in this Urban Ministry. And I will be in Leadership. I am lost but loved, confused but cared for, scared but sacred, I am ready to accept the new season... "Here am I Lord, send me" (Isaiah 6:8). I am claiming Zechariah:

"Therefore tell the people: This is what the LORD Almighty says:

'Return to me,' declares the LORD Almighty, 'and I will return to you' "

we only know when it's gone

2011-01-26T23:16:00.003-05:00

"Why don't we dance anymore
I'm not okay with that
Why don't we laugh anymore
I'm not okay with that
The years go by like stones under rushing water
We only know, we only know when it's gone...when it's gone"

-Need To Breathe

Those lyrics are have been replaying in my mind for weeks now. Over and over again. I am humming the tune, reciting the lyrics, and really coping with the meaning. Why don't we dance anymore... why don't we laugh anymore? Why can't I hear from God? Why do I feel so distant? Have I allowed an idol to take His place, have I fallen out of love with the God who created me? No and no. Simply put, I have slowly begun to turn my relationship with God a religion and I can feel Him enticing me to come back to the romance. In May 2008 I wrote these words:

“Once you know who you are in Christ, you will change the world.

Forget the sins, forget the Christian culture and just sit at the feet of Jesus.”

Since my salivation five years ago I have had an intimate-personal relationship with God. However, once I began to make a career out of my faith, my heart began to change. I started to “do” for God instead of “just be”. I began to talk about Him, instead of talking to Him. It's hard to believe that it was a class assignment that really started to put this ache of God into perspective. In my Christian Theology and Social Work Integration course we are asked to do a spiritual 'discipline' each week that will create space for God to show up. I chose take a moment and return to sitting at His feet this week. I am ashamed to say I still only did so for about ten minutes, but in those ten minutes I danced with the Lord. I celebrated who He is. Not what He can do or what He can give, but how He is faithful, loving, and merciful.

The hardest part to understand is that this month the church I am planning making my home, The Father's House (tfh), similar to many other churches at this time challenged us to start the year off right and create room in our lives for Him to speak. I made a plan to fast, I made a plan to pray, I made a plan to read my Bible.... and I failed at them all. I don't feel bad about failing in the sense that I cannot be forgiven and try again, especially since God still spoke. But- seriously? Everyone around me is encouraging me to do exactly what it is that will bring me closer to God and I choose to ignore it? Thankfully, even without creating the space for Him, He screamed to me through the noise, "KERRI, I MISS YOU" "Sweetie, why don't we dance anymore?" "Beloved, why are you searching, I am here, I love you"

Trying to live with this void in my heart allowed me to really think about how we recklessly abandon ourselves when we fall in love in worldly romantic relationships. We just jump in, let go, ignore our better judgments and opinions of those around us... we do what we want and do what feels right. We don't think about consequences and we convince ourselves that there won't be any regrets. And that's a huge part. Our human nature is to live without regrets and act like our choices don't affect us negatively. Quoted best possibly by Katy Perry in her music, "Let's go all the way tonight... no regrets, just love" We feel carefree and adventurous when we offer our heart to a lover. Our heart, the very thing that makes us-us. Our soul, our dreams, our desires... we share them and give them away to those we feel in the moment deserve them and will take care of them. Believing and hoping that we will not regret that choice later on. Somehow though...when it comes to God we are unable to do the same. Recklessly abandon our souls. Allow Him to surprise us with love. To offer Him full reign in our lives.

I guess long story short, everything is suppose to be about my heart for God. Deuteronomy 6:5 calls me to "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength" And lately I have been trying so hard to do the spiritual disciplines that will create space for God, but I keep coming up short and doing less then planned. I hear Him again say, "don't try-just love". Hosea 6:6 states, "For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings" How simple is that? God is asking me to fall in love again. He is asking me to dance slowly... then, and only then will I operate out of an overflow of Him. I will do the disciplines because I want to and when I don't do them- that's okay also!

Matthew 6:33 gives clear instructions, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Fall in love with God, put Him first, and everything else will fall into place. That is not to say I should live sloppy again and allow little compromises to build the barrier I now must repent for. It is always wise to consider, 1 John 2:16 "For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world." and ask yourself, where am I falling into sin? What possible temptations am I allowing to entice me?

I know what mine are. Me saying all of this is not to suggest I don't fight my own battles, because I certainly do. As always I just want to create an honest picture of where I am in life and with God. I promised at the creation of this blog I would be authentic and admit my failures. And this week I am remembering one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received. Words that have stuck with me and really impacted the way I operate in life. While fighting my way through the hardest and best four months of my life in Nashville, TN my Dad text me one night after we had gotten off the phone and said, "Ya know- it's okay to not be okay"... I sat in that statement (and the release it gave me from my stubbornness) for a good couple of days.

So here I am again. Lonely, searching, and desperate for God... and I hear Him say, "My lovely, It's okay to not be okay... just come be with me. Let's dance again. Sit at my feet and learn my ways. Recklessly abandon your heart to me. I miss you and I will never stop chasing after you. I have created an ache inside of you that will always crave me when your love for me is not priority. I will make sure you always know before it's gone-- and even better, you will always know how to get it back. Just love-no regrets"

I know better

2011-01-14T14:27:00.003-05:00

I believe that sometimes we really can't help where our hearts wander to. I do know for sure though that we can choose not to entertain the thoughts and pursue the situations. I need to not only know but act on the fact that my heart is not a playground. There is a sense of immaturity that arises from bitterness towards those in your past, you can not function well with bitterness. There is a fine line of recreating a future with someone and continually remembering shared past memories.

What if we were held accountable for what we did to our soul like we are for our physical body? What if we were allowed heart break days from work and there were prescriptions to cure soul wounds? Is there anyone who has a degree to tends our hearts like doctors can stitch cuts? And I can attest that scars on the heart need much more attention then a band-aid and occasional ointment. But we don't take the time. We allow our hearts to grow weary, our lives to be in disarray, and our soul is left restless and incapable of trust

I wish there was a heart doctor that held us as accountable as say a Gynecologist does. Warnings of STD's are used to scare woman away from sleeping with too many people. However, no one warns us to stop giving away our hearts and abandoning their worthiness to whoever looks our way. The heart doctor would quote things like, "You knew by sending that text back to him you would be tempted... but you still did it anyway". They would tell us how often we should get checked based on our heart's promiscuity. The doctor would tell us to take "heart rests", similar to bed rests, where we would not be able to even flirt with anyone to make sure we healed up before moving on.

Almost any girl can relate to the feelings that arise in the Gynecologists office, you are left alone to really stop and mourn over all the "mistakes" you have made in the past. What if had to do the same for all the moments we men consume our thoughts, or desire take over? And the doctors are so blunt with their questions... they uncover the most concealed and private parts of our body and lives, just as the heart doctor would discover the deepest parts of our souls and the longing desires that hide there.

I am one of the few people I know that enjoys having accountability partners and a church that continually reminds me to check my heart first. But still, I give in sometimes. It always feels nice to be complimented and getting coffee with a guy who insists on paying makes me smile. But, I know better than this... having wisdom is knowing what is wrong and actually not doing it. It seems petty to most, but taking care of my heart is something I refuse to take lightly andI know better than this...

Claiming Zechariah

2011-01-06T15:57:00.001-05:00

I had a dream last summer that I was giving birth, actually I had a few dreams. All of which I was very pregnant and very ready to get this baby out of me. The one particular dream and if I remember correctly the last one of it's kind the father of the child was there and when it came time to name the baby, I blanked. I thought of how foolish I must be to be pregnant for nine whole months and still not have a name... the father then declared "Zechariah! Because the Lord is bringing a new season!"

"'Zechariah' means God remembers. What does He remember? His covenant. 'Iddo' means at the appointed time, and 'Berechiah' means God will bless. God remembers and at the appointed time He will bless them." (Bible.org, 2010)

Whoa, what? What a wonderful dream! Also this summer I received a prophesy that I would be coming into a position of leadership and it would be coming soon. I was told to prepare my heart, which is a very common phrase for Christians-- but what does it really even mean? How is it possible to prepare my heart to receive the blessing of God? The obvious is to find myself in prayer, worship, and having child like faith but I know there has to be more. Especially involving righteousness-- it seems we have wandered from that. As a culture we went from law to lawlessness and there is no doubt that God is calling us back to his grace but also his discipline.

With that, I don't know if my heart is ready for blessings but I know I am ready to start a new season. I wish I could say my new start came with 2011 and tell you I had some magical moment and some huge resolution that is going to change my whole life for the Lord. But I didn't and perhaps that really is for the best. God is the one making the plans, He is the one brewing up change, He is the one calling me back to the book of Zechariah.

Got Questions.org quotes the practical application of Zechariah as, "God expects sincere worship and moral living of us today. Zechariah's example of breaking through national prejudice reminds us to reach out into all areas of our society. We must extend God's invitation of salvation to people of all national origins, languages, races and cultures. That salvation is only available through the shed blood of Jesus Christ on the cross, who died in our place to atone for sin. But if we reject that sacrifice, there is no other sacrifice through which we can be reconciled to God. There is no other name under heaven by which men are saved. There is no time to lose; today is the day of salvation"

"Therefore tell the people: This is what the LORD Almighty says:

'Return to me,' declares the LORD Almighty, 'and I will return to you' "

A Piece of My Past

2010-12-10T22:10:00.001-05:00

It is the kind of night where I would blog. I am alone, over pondering what life is all about, and searching for meaning. I start off of course on facebook, and I start reminiscing about "the good ol' days", Undergrad and such-- I kick myself off and try to fall asleep but I can't. It is too quiet here. To think I use to stay in a building where over 200 people my own age lived there. I had so much fun... no wonder being alone at night seems so different.

Like I said tonight is the kind of night I would blog, but I don't have anything to say. I have no awe-inspiring words from the Lord, I have no underlying insecurity to explore-- it's just me, not being able to sleep. I try to worship a little bit, do some prayer, back on facebook, and I get to thinking how much I care about the past. Always have, I won't even reference all my posts that have talked about me missing the past.. let's say it's more like the whole blog-- well except for when I knew I was going to Mercy, then I was always looking forward.

Point being, since High-School, I have always been a fan of the past. Junior year I wanted to be a Sophomore, Senior year I wanted to be a Junior again, Freshman year of Undergrad I wanted to be a Senior of High-School again... but now in Graduate school I am not sure I want "to be" any particular time. I cherish it all sure, but most of me really is looking forward to having a full time job in May and starting my own life.

More so than that though, if I could go back- I am not sure where I would go back to. I am over the high-school thing and Undergrad is too much, I flip through old memories and can't settle on just one I would like to relive. So many amazing memories, uncountable inside jokes, ridiculous amount of money wasted on junk food and some heal-your-soul-up moments.

I know before I met God I said the best moment of my life was my entrance to the Junior year play, I was the Wicked Witch and I came screeching out, scared all the kids away, and had the spotlight all to myself... what a great feeling to know you are the source of entertainment, to recreate a character your own way. But to go back to that no way...

Thursday night Tag's as an 18 year old also used to be my jam. I lived for those retro nights. Into college I became a coffeeshop girl, I'd spend hours figuring myself and my friends out over a drink that always consisted of more whip cream than anything, but to have to go through that pain of figuring myself out again... no thanks.

So I went back to facebook and I flipped through my photos and whatever photo made my heart melt I uploaded on here. This is just a flash of where I might travel back to. Lord knows facebook does not have all the answers and was not even around for a lot of good times in my life. But I hope you enjoy a piece of my past!

What would it be if you could relive a moment. I could see a lot of people talking about their child being born, perhaps their first encounter with the Lord, or their wedding day-- but I am thinking less serious than that. A time in your life where bliss was all you knew at least that's how you remember it... think about it then re-blog this if you wish!

Back to the Basics... again.

2010-12-02T00:16:00.003-05:00

In one week I will officially be half way done with my MSW, that's crazy. I can honestly say it is has not been that difficult at all. I forget a lot of the time though the time I spend at Successful Pathways (Internship) is also a huge part of my degree. I have had a lot more free time then I ever thought I would. I can honestly remember the one time I truly felt stressed, and that was back in August... wow, praise the Lord!

I was looking over my agenda calender today, something I even wrote about since I do it so often, and I literally was shocked that it was December 1st. I know it's cliche to say where has the time gone, but for real- for real, where did the time go? Everything has moved so fast yet so smoothly lately... God has just provided- majorly.

At the beginning of the semester I was hooked on Old Testament, almost refusing to read the New Testament, I wanted to discover hidden messages, I wanted to relate to the complex characters, I wanted to be able to quote out of Leviticus and impress people, but recently I want to go back to the basics. I started reading Matthew through this past Sunday just to -refresh- myself and I got rocked! How quickly I forget the basics..

Love.
Humility.
Discipleship.
Parables.
Sowing seeds.
Righteousness.

Just the basics, the reason why I even love God in the first place or rather the reasons He loves me. I got to get back to the place where I know He loves me for me: Not the me I am going to be or the things I can do, or the me that deserves to be loved-- but me, just simply me. I want to go back to this girl, the girl who took time to be herself and eat her cereal color by color, the girl who knew being loved had nothing to do with her performance. I want to have revelations like this that remind me God is not only my Father but Lover and I can find fullness in Him, anytime.

*smiles, sigh* The basics, what a wonderful place to be. What a blessed and comfortable season the Lord has allowed me to be in. I feel so secure in Him, it is such a wonderful feeling. I can't say it did not come without some testing and trials but I preserved and it feels so good to be victorious in Christ, not in myself but in Him. I relied on Him and He heard my cries, He answered my whispered prayers, and He lavished me with unmerited favor and for that I am eternally grateful.

.. it is so nice to get back to the basics. What a beautiful and loving God we serve. He may give and take away-- but He is trustworthy and righteous and I love Him.

Psalm 5:1-3, 11-12

"Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing.

Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.

In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice;

in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy.

Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous;

you surround them with your favor as with a shield."

Exclusively Confusing

2010-11-16T23:50:00.001-05:00

Alright I am going to be honest-- this is one is for Kirsten.
Well no, this is one is inspired by Kirsten but for everyone who can relate to being single after undergrad when they thought for sure ring by spring was a guarantee for life. And for the sake of this post let's say single is defined by pre-engagement. With that, that leaves a lot of singles out there. I'll admit I'm new to the scene but that does not mean I don't know a thing or two. And since my reading audience varies from those who are sold out to Christ and waiting to even kiss at the alter to those who thrive on one-nighters, my list will reflect as much as I can, but I am only human.

For starters here are my thoughts on the lingo.

We're talking: Means there is an interest of hoping things will lead into a relationship, but the parties are trying to play it cool then. At this stage there is way more texting then actually talking by the way.
We're going on dates: This is where the parties are testing the waters to see if the other person is worth the $10 movie ticket, but there has been no discussion of exclusiveness or relationship status. This stage is easily confused with the following label,
We're dating: This stage is defined by a general understanding that the pair is exclusive but there has not been talk about a relationship yet.
We're hanging out: This definition is multi-faceted but can be categorized by either casual hook ups, cat and mouse game, a denial stage where people think they can just have fun and not get their emotions tied into it, or it is an indication an insecure dater won't give up their "fall back person".
We're just having fun: In this slippery slope there is the belief that there are no emotions attached to the relationship. It could mean the girl is using the boy for free mini golf or the boy is using the girl for late nights. This stage normally ends in silent heartbreak where one of the parties will deny in public but will confess to a few close friends.
We hooked up once or twice: Depending on where you fall on the morality scale this could be meeting at a coffeehouse, making out without wandering hands, bad decisions made from shots of Tequila, or a moment of overwhelming insecurity where the facebook chat led to a midnight drive. No matter what the situation, the title means there was fun had but there is no intention of taking things further but the parties will keep each others numbers "just in case".
We're praying about it: For the religious type this stages either includes complete silence and some fasting about the future of your relationship or it is a time of obnoxious flirting, days full of testing conversations, and minor, minor prayer. The hopes is to reach a title of "Facebook Official".
We are seeing each other: Meaning each party has commited to the label "We are dating" but only does so when it is convenient during free time for both parties. This label does not account for being exclusive.
We are Facebook Official: Oh, boy-- that is real serious right there. Facebook status's are the new Letterman Jackets combined with those cheap-o heart necklaces everyone bought from Kmart during their high school days.
I might bring him/her home to meet the parents: An attempt to show how serious the one party's feelings are for the other, but not serious enough where they have to visit Kay's anytime soon.... like ::anytime soon:::
It's complicated: Let's not even get into what means.. if this is what you would describe your relationship like just move on, we are too young for this amount of drama.

Now here are some rules for the Lady readers:

RULE NUMBER ONE always ask if you are exclusive. But even so know this: being exclusive does not mean you are in a relationship. However, if you are in a relationship, you really should be exclusive... let's hope that talk never needs to happen.
The second rule pends on both the level of seriousness and in combination that it does not override the previous rule. You don't want to be the first person to ask "Where is this going", I once had a boyfriend whose response to that question was "Out the door!"
In between the "We're talking" stage and the achievement of the label of "Facebook Official", for every two texts they send you, you should only send one.
You should not have to initiate the good morning texts, it should be expected that they approach you first, like when people use to talk face to face.
Keep your sappiness at a minimum until they can prove their trustworthiness. No joking with this one. We only have one heart and it is hard enough to keep it intact without men.
I have to admit I am somewhat of a believer of "Once a cheater, always a cheater" unless there is a christain conversion, otherwise keep this as a rule of thumb.
If all your friends say he is crazy, then he IS crazy.
There must always, always be at least one time you "forget to call" or make plans that have to be cancelled, our lives must not scream desperate, no matter how long it has been.
Unless you want to get married at and raise your children in a bar, do not try to find a date at a bar. Even with the best bar guy you most likely won't get past the less moral version of "We're hanging out"

For the Gentlemen, my thoughts on today's style of dating:

This is not the 10th grade where my boyfriend told me he had no money after we ordered our food and his parents had dropped us off so please know that we want to picked up at our front door. A text that says "Im out front" does not count and please at least offer to pay. Each to their own on whether the girl accepts it or not.. my thoughts are we are prettier than you and that's that-- so pay up.
Try not finding us on facebook before you ask us our own last name, that's creepy.
Dear Christian men, please please do not wear your purity ring on ring your fingers of either hand, it confuses us single ladies and we don't have the smoothness to figure out if you're spoken for without point blank staring.
Let us know right off the bat how much you love/hate the conversation of marriage/babies-- kthanks.

And that's it folks. That is today's dating in my mind. Of course my lifestyle of choice does not fit into many of these categories I can attest to wanting free mini golf and how well standing someone up works. As for now, I will let the creator of my soul continue to fill me with love and let the rest of the world figure out this exclusively confusing world of dating.

As I swept up the pieces

2010-11-09T22:08:00.000-05:00

What do you do when something breaks? I just knocked off a precious moment porcelain doll from my dresser. It was a blond, blue eyed girl with a diploma in her hand. She was smiling ear to ear and there was hope in her eyes. My Mother bought it for me and now its smashed to pieces.

My normal reaction to when things break is to cuss. I have to admit I probably cuss the most when I drop things. Not when I am actually mad or upset but more an automatic response to dropping something. Things as simple as a binder lead me to drop a few bombs. What a weird occurrence...

Tonight I didn't swear. I didn't even budge. That precious moment was the only trinket I had out proudly displayed and now its smashed... I felt so powerless. And as I swept up the pieces and thought I can't let the irony go on this one... the smashing of my graduation, the feeling of powerlessness....

I drove a client home tonight. He told me about working the streets and we discussed how much "easier" it seems to work the streets then to follow God and do good. Broke my heart. I know it is only the first of many times that it will break. I want to just do my job and go home. Make a difference while I can, but bring them back to the hood as I travel out to suburbia. But, I am not making a true difference that way. Jesus met the fishermen on the boats and at shore... He did make them eventually leave that occupation, but He met them where they were at, even when it seemed *unsafe*

So many things rush through my mind when I think inner-city. Urban Youth. Street Life. "Why me?", is the biggest thing. I know God is glorified through our weakness and all but wow... it's like take this example you want to tell someone about Jesus but they say they can't focus because they are hungry so you feed them. After they are fed they ask you about Jesus again and you give them a Bible to read. Turns out they can't read because they dropped out of school in fourth grade. Okay, so you wonder why they dropped out of school and they tell you about their negligent parents. Then you ask what their home life is like now and they tell you the shelter they are living at, bringing it back full circle that they can't focus now because there is only so much time left to get back to the shelter to secure their spot for the night.

...so where do you start? Do you feed them, house them, counsel them, tell them about Jesus? At what point are you making a difference. Is it all just Band-aids or true healing.

It's just so much and I don't want to drop the ball and let my dreams smash to the ground leaving me wanting to cuss out the God who brought me here. Don't get me wrong deep down I know there is hope and I know there is a way and I know God will never leave me and I know that God equips us and I know He is our refuge... but man oh man this Urban Ministry is no joke. And if I walk away, how many others did also? How can we ignore what is going on just a few zip codes away? If I am scared to just drop people off- imagine what living there is like...

As usual I refer to my hope secured, Joshua 1:6-9
“Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

God- I need you on this one. I told you I'd follow where you led me and I don't want to back down from my word, so send me down some extra loving tonight, I would appreciate it.

Dear October

2010-10-26T23:20:00.003-04:00

Well Alright October-- I will admit it you got me this time!!!
For those who have been following for awhile will know that October always is a big month for me. God has been more present (or maybe I allow him to be) in October then any other month. It's like my life falls apart and become as white as snow just as much as the season does with the leaves.

...But you really outdid yourself this time. I thought I was going to have to do a post on how this October was different. This October nothing HUGE happened. God was of course still great and awesome but He did not have some life-pending lesson.... but ummm, nope. He just outdid himself.

I am not comfortable sharing with everyone right now what the *big news is, but just know that my head is resting much easier at night knowing my future is secure.

On a *very related but different note I have not written much about my internship lately. Most likely because I am there at the hours I normally would like to blog... like all day ((haha)). But it is only because I LOVE it so so much. So tonight, I was teaching my class on "God Given Talents" to my youth and we spent some good time in prayer and worship. All of the youth received a word from God through the leaders and my "homework" for them was to come up with 2 scriptural references on what we are suppose to do when we receive a word from God. So as a fair leader I wanted to do the same... what is it that God wants me to do with my *big October news... honestly folks- I have no clue. All I know is I need Him. I am desperate for Him. I feel unworthy, but He- He is good and He will speak. Here is my homework:

Joshua 1

Dear October, I never knew you would be the answer to all my dreams-- please, please don't let me step out of God's will.

The Facebook Struggle

2010-10-17T02:01:00.002-04:00

Do you ever feel like the nights where your hair looks good are the nights you didn't really go anywhere?

I just saw the movie "The Social Network".

I am not here to discuss whether the movie was true or not.

But the last scene got me...

After all the court cases, after all the money, after all the success- Mark Zuckerberg (at least his fictional character) signs on to his own website (Facebook that is) and friend requests his ex girlfriend. He then obsesses over her acceptance by refreshing the page every .5 seconds to see if she had confirmed. That's it- that is how they ended the movie.

*ponders.

I don't care how much of the movie is real- that my friends IS real.

Ughh... it is disgusting the amount of time our generation, including myself obsess over these internet sites, over being accepted, over heartaches and new fantasies.

I am sure it has always been this way-- it's just more in your face now. It's just a button press & click away.

Just like with my hair. It's like I want someone to see that I am having a good hair day but why ...why?

I guess this post does not have much substance to it.

More a rhetorical question that will bounce back to me in cyberspace without an answer.

But I want to know, why do we care so much?

Why is it that even though I truly believe my heart has found rest in God that I can still care about finding love and keeping it? Or when I send a text that never gets a response? How about the ex last night who charmed his way past me without acknowledging my existence? ((if only that poor boy knew how many times I have blogged about his rudeness))

I guess I pose such a question, not so much out of a hope for an answer but more so an indication to let others they are not alone.

We sit here staring at our screens waiting for the slightest amount of hope to pop out at us.

We want to be noticed.

We want to be adored.

We want to stand out yet to also fit in.

It is not like it was when we were in high school... but somehow it is.

We all want to be known, to be delighted in, to be taken care of and to have those we can care for.

I got a text after the movie from a friend who longs for love.

I am not sure he has ever really accepted himself for who he truly is but he is one of those guys that believes he will feel complete once he has a girl who does. Actually make that two guys who said the same thing tonight. Funny, how totally different lifestyles can still be calling out for the same things... anyway- the texts went something to the effect that he wanted a girlfriend to spend his birthday with and I stated how having good friends is way more worth the drama and heartache it takes to be in love. He followed with, "But sometimes I need the drama and heartache. Reminds me of how good life can be"

So I wonder.. how many folks are on facebook tonight feeling the same thing.

I mean that's why we have facebook isn't it?

To be noticed?

To share our life?

For what then?

Now, now I can hear the defenses now, sure you got it for different other ((non insecure)) reasons. But let me ask you this... why are you on it so much then? And if not facebook, why texting? why online dating? why Halo 3? why go to the bars?

We are all just lost. We are all in some way lonely. We all want a place to belong.

We all, I mean I... I just wanted to have someone see that I was having a good hair night.

A Happy Sigh

2010-10-10T01:28:00.004-04:00

Recently a Frisbee game brought us all together

and it was like nothing had changed at all.

But then again, everything has changed...

And it will keep on changing.

No one and Nothing is ever stagnant.

Things change. People change. Seasons Change.

It doesn't change the good times we've had.

And it doesn't change the way we care for each other.

It's funny-- I never think about high school people anymore...

for as many times I cried over it and the time I spent missing it.

Now college is over too-- unbelievable. Just crazy.

*smiles* but we had some crazy good times.

And although these pictures certainly do NOT account for all of those I encountered, appreciated, and miss-- they are a small testament of those I loved and still love.

It was so nice to breath in that fall air, to let the sunshine hit my face, and to snuggle with my besties. Each one of them I have a different tie to, yet each one of them a tie to each other because of it.*sighh.. but a happy sigh. It was so nice to see everyone.

Building Potential

2010-09-25T15:54:00.006-04:00

You may have heard a saying once or twice along the lines of "When God closes a door, He opens a window". I am not sure this is always the case but I do encourage the optimistic viewpoint. What I do believe is going on more so is when one makes the choice to start or continue to follow the plan God has for the life they will notice that opportunities will come to them with little or not effort and things will start to fit perfectly. Following God's plan for your life feels even better and more refreshing than an early morning run, a shower after a long camping trip, a first kiss, or the first day of fall. As many of you, I have closed doors in my life, that allows for me to notice or take on the windows God has set up for me.

Currently, I am doing my internship at Successful Pathways. A ministry under the organization of Youth for Christ (YFC of Rochester). I am the Mentor Liaison, which builds social and spiritual relationships with inner city youth who are either parenting, pregnant, or at risk for early parenting. I foster the relationship between the mentor/mentees by constant communication and hosting social events for them to enjoy and develop their relationship. Mostly, I have been doing lots of meetings, lots of networking, and a ton of phone calls. Successful Pathways also has a case management side which helps the clients with educational, financial, parenting, and everyday needs. So far I just love it.

The building in which we are located is One Favor Street, which just gets me every time. Come on' One FAVOR street-- hello?? The building use to be a host of different organizations. It was the Boys & Girls club and The Vineyard Church. It is a big building with cement walls and so much potential. There is a hard wood floor gym in which over over 400 young men play basketball every year. (this year is the first year for cheerleaders <3) Today was the first game day of the season and I was there giving tours to future donors. There were just dozens of little people running around, smiling, loving every minute of basketball and awaiting their free hot meal they get each time they come to a practice. I just loved it! I can't explain the joy it brought to my heart. The program director (while selling the program) explained what it was like for these boys to have a solid male figure in their life even if just for a basketball season. Then for this big guys to teach these kids the joy is it to follow Christ?!? AHHH LOOVEE IT!

While giving a tour to these people the words of my friend came back to me when I showed her around. She said the building had so much potential. And it does. It has so many offices, a full kitchen, a basketball court, a beautiful sanctuary, a snack bar, full parking lot, and the love of the Lord. You don't need much else that that!

Tonight the place will be packed again with inner city youth (a little bit older this time) for the S.W.A.G Rally. (Salvation Works For All Generations). It is a youth led outreach that just tells it like it is. City life is tough, but God is tougher.

The youth who head up that rally will hopefully be the youth that I will be soon leading in a small group focusing on encouraging them to take a leap of faith in their walk as a Christian. Revolving around the scripture "Let no one look down on you because you are young"-- they will be empowered in knowing God has already equipped them to influence their peers. I believe God brought me to this place to continue to build the potential the youth already had. And I am so excited! It is like I have arrived. Although I know we never stop growing or learning from the Lord, I am at a safe place. I can begin to ACTUALLY pour out all He has fulfilled me with.

Outside of the internship I am busy with school work. I am hoping to learn as much as possible this year as it is my last year of formal schooling. Crazy, right?? I never feel like I have time. I reallyyyy don't understand how people do this with a job or a family. It is just crazy. I have to keep reminding myself that soon I will be out on the job hunt. My supervisor the other day gave me a business card holder, knowing that I would be meeting a lot of people and networking is key. Ah, networking. Even in the Christian realm it is an important thing. Again, you build your potential in the city with the more people know who you are. So far, I feel a little behind but maybe by the end of the year someone (important) will know who I am.

Well, anyways that is life thus far into the semester. Four weeks down, eleven to go. Then fifteen more altogether. A licensing exam and that's it-- I'll be an LMSW. Whoop Whoop.

One last thing, don't think I have moved on from either Mercy Minsitries or TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms). I am still very involved in keeping these non-profits going, while at the saem time starting to dream about my starting my own someday <3 Check out these recent Mercy posts. (The last 4 girls were my girls) (24 girls Baptized!)

Because I Want to Say Goodnight

2010-09-13T23:19:00.000-04:00

Tonight I find myself wondering if I made the wrong choice...
I miss him, dearly.
I am writing tonight on here so I don't text him and say goodnight.
It's not that I don't want to say it or feel he deserves to hear it but- it is no longer my place.

The whole single thing is not the problem, I enjoy the extra time, emotion and feeling of me-ness, but I miss him.

You probably wonder how long has it been. Well the last time I saw him was yesterday and the last time we talked was about 7 hours ago. Pathetic right? I know, but it's not the same. He's not mine anymore. And for as much as I still want him to be that, I don't. He deserves to be happy, really happy. He deserves someone who will be content with where he is at and where he wants to go-- not someone continually trying to make him and us better. He deserves someone who will just let him be.

I don't know if it is because he has been such a big part of my life for three years or because besides a few high school friends he has been the longest friendship and especially longest relationship? Or is it because he could instantly make me laugh or call me out on being sad? Do I miss him because his kiss makes my heart stop or because I want to be kissed?

It does not take me long to remember that without him I may have never had enough courage to go to Tennessee and for that I am very grateful. But, he wasn't always perfect and there were times when I was dying to hear something and his silence would literally break my heart. But what about those times we drove around the countryside and just enjoyed each other?

If I allowed myself to continue to say goodnight to him my heart would never learn to live without him. I would never truly move on and I would never give him the opportunity to find someone better suited.

So tonight I will say goodnight in the simplest way I know possible, by prayers. It is my prayer that both of our hearts will be made whole by the God who created them. It is my prayer that both of our individual passions will begin to burn more brightly as we learn to take chances on our own and seek God's face for our individual future. I pray that god would use this relationship, the lessons we learned, and the people we impacted for the good of his kingdom and for the good our lives. And I pray, especially for tonight, that God would wrap his father arms around me and let me know I can do this, and with Him that I am never alone and never forgotten. I pray that God's love would overwhelm the two of us that heartache would cease and that joy would overflow. I pray for peaceful sleep and a pure heart to greatest the comforter known to man, God, my father.

Espresso Thoughts

2010-09-10T17:13:00.002-04:00

Apparently every coffee shop in Rochester decided ice coffee is not good enough with just coffee with ice in it but instead decided to ice espresso shots and use that as a replacement... which is great you love a good buzz but I was perfectly content with coffee being I don't know... coffee?!?!

So after my medium iced "coffee" today my hearts a little racy, my emotions are little off balance and my thought patterns are a little irrational. This is what my heart is feeling currently:

I am so ashamed that I did not make any contact with the oh-so-obvious homeless man hanging around the coffeeshop today. Who am I to be scared?? But he really could have stolen my things, I use to be so trusting but now working in the inner-city they tell me I have to err on the side of caution and I did... now I feel like a prick.

How is it that he is so comfortable being friends? The fact that he can completly turn off his hurting signifies one of two things; He really did fall out of love with me before we broke or he is a really good faker. I wish I knew which it was. I want him to miss me, yet I want him to go away-- I want him to say he can't live without me, yet I want him to go away. It actually is nice being friends... really nice.

I am learning how much of my life I run by my head instead of my heart. I use to be so careless, so free and reckless. I mean the results this is yielding are amazing and wisdom truly is knowing the right thing to do then actually doing it-- but I am honestly surprising myself in how often I follow through on these "right things"-- must be another miracle God is shining through me. I mean you really do have to be your heart's best friend. Hence the reason I am not in relationship anymore & the reason I can so easily write people off once they treat me wrong... I mean within reason.

In class I volunteered to do a "family statue" it is really cool therapy tactic. You position your family members at a position that signifies how you see their behaviors and actions towards each other. I am very self-aware and am comfortable with my families flaws and valuable qualities, so I volunteered--- however my professor being such a great clinician he called me out on.. well what I try to ignore but most of the time I don't really realize. I don't really connect, I don't... understand family-- I am so future focused, so "lets move on and get this done" that I think I leave them in the dust... I can see why my mother is hurt by my actions so often I mean... I really just want to move on. I take and take and yes I do give back but in most ways I am disconnected, I am on my own by my own choice... I don't know if this is healthy or not yet.. I just know its there and if you have been following for awhile you will see a pattern of my adolescent side hiding and fighting her way through life-- something God is still working on.

Tomorrow is the big wedding... the big sha-bang, after this I plan on taking a serious break from the 'ex'. Need to form new habits, need to release him from my grasp of a social support, whether he cares about it or not. ... I'll leave you all with these lyrics from my new favorite band: NeedtoBreathe--

"I won’t be the circus that you’re the star in
I won’t leave you roses to watch them die
You won’t be the heartache that keeps me sleepless
You won’t be the songs that I can never write
I won’t be the fortress for you to hide in
I won’t be the first one you think to call
You won’t be the regrets that I can’t live with
He won’t be the last one to never have to lose it all

Cause I don’t want to stay, I don’t want to fall
I don’t want to have to see you leave me
I don’t want to take, I don’t want to lose it all
Maybe I’m a fake, maybe you’re a lie
Maybe our last chance died with last night
Cause I don’t want to stay I don’t want to fall in love
With you again
With you again"

-Again

See why I can't have espresso? haha. Most days I let the sun shine on my face and feel like one of the most blessed people in the world. I look forward to a future full of ministry and late nights with friends. I still spend two to three hours on the phone each day with great friends, like GREAT friends. I go to classes and learn things that I have been waiting years to really LEARN about. I am looked upon as an adult who is allowed to swipe her credit card for any plane ticket her heart desires, since now she can travel without permission (holler-- long story but basically the whole permission part of being a child is no longer necessary) Most days I find more reasons to love myself and the God who created me. And even more so I find new ways to heal the other ones He has made-- which ultimately blesses me more than them-- especially on days I have had espresso.

Much Love & Best wishes readers!

Being Allured

2010-09-04T21:29:00.002-04:00

Alright folks, this blog is going to begin with a little bit of reading and then get real personal, real fast. Tonight I write from a deep longing, a sadness, something I have been writing about and feeling for years; The desire to be desired.

For those unfamiliar with the Bible-- The book of Hosea [[at least chapter 2]] is about God's feelings towards a very unfaithful Israel. Refers to 'her' as an adulteress one who is searching [[and finding]] her pleasures elsewhere, ignoring the one who actually gave her the blessings and using them to allure other lovers. So God gets all jealous and stuff and decided to cut her off from everything that tempted heart and left her craving more. Without these "void fillers" He hopes her eyes turn to Him where He will speak wonderful promises to her. This is how it plays out in scripture [[in parts]]:

“…She is not my wife, and I am not her husband. Let her remove the adulterous look from her face and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts. Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst… She said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.' Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold— which they used for Baal… [[[then he takes away everything from her that brought her false love, happiness, and celebration]]] …"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope… "In that day," declares the LORD, you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.’…. I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD…. I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one. I will say to those called 'Not my people,' 'You are my people'; and they will say, 'You are my God.' "

Okay, so what's up Kerri?
What has you blogging at 9pm on a Saturday night?
Shouldn't you be out, doing something, anything? Well readers- funny you should ask.

[[[Tonight was awful]]]
Tonight was one of those nights you wish you would never left the house. Nothing terrible happened, nothing catabolic, just unfortunate circumstances that reminded me where exactly I have been getting my love from.

I won't go into a serious of events [[they really would not make sense anyway]] Just know that at the end of the night I was screaming at God, "REALLY?? Is this what you call alluring?? This just sucks and I just hurt!!!!" For years I have read Hosea and thought what a beautiful love story and a story of redemption and yes I knew there was a lesson to be learned but it apparently never hit me I had to learn THAT lesson.

He is stripping me. Every plan 'b' my heart can think of He is ruining. He has placed me in the desert and I am too mad to look up. I honestly just want to hear the words "you are so beautiful Kerri" and the worse part, I know it. I even KNOW my own insecurities. I know what it is I want, why I want it, and how I am searching for it in the wrong places. Yet.. I still search. I still crave... I still desire to be desired.

If ironically ever fit in a story it was on my ride home tonight, when my CD continued my audiobook of 'Captivating'-- here it is the very thing I study, the very thing I have dedicated myself to teaching young girls for a career and I am still there. I am still asking "Do you find me captivating?" [[Girls PLEASE check out this book, not only will my blogs make more sense but the mysteries of your heart will be unveiled, I promise]]

I looked great tonight [[haha]] I really did and I went to the one place [[well one of the two, Heather will get this]] that I flourish in. I am not a girl who can pick someone up at a bar [[nor do I want to- but anyways]]. My personality works at coffeeshops. I can talk for hours over steamed drinks, with girls or guys-- but that is not the point, I did not want someone- I just wanted to hear something, "Wow Kerri- you are so pretty". THAT'S IT, that is a girl's heart- I promise 99.8% of the time that is all we want to hear.

God knows what I want to hear; He knows my heart, He sees my foolish attempts and He doesn't laugh at me but I believe He giggles a bit knowing I made the wrong choice. He knows when I get into my car I am going back to the desert-- where all my desires have been stripped. And like 65% of me is SO HAPPY that they are, I mean all I have to do is look up to God and ask Him to answer my question... but the other 35% hates it. I hate having to rely on a Man in the sky, I want hope even if it is false. Now this hate won't last and by the morning sun I will shake it off and thank God for His protection over my life--- but tonight I am aching. I am craving.

Even worse part? There are thousands of girls just like me. They will go home with [[or without]] someone. They will be leaving coffeeshops, bars, movies, parties, youth groups whatever and they will sad. They will be empty. They will be in that desert not knowing God is trying to allure them to drink the living water, not the salt water that leaves them even more parched. Thousands of us coming home wiping of our makeup, shaking our heads at our sad excuses of outfits [[either skimpy or not]] and calling it a night, refusing to let the real lover of our soul in. Tonight, we'd rather cry about the world than take a chance on faith.

Faith not Facts

2010-08-24T02:02:00.000-04:00

"Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart." --Psalm 51:6

About six weeks ago I was having lunch with someone I don't really know too well, kind of a new friend, someone who was feeling me out and trying to see what I was all about. Our conversations turned from the local news, to pop culture, christian lifestyles, past relationships etc.

Throughout the conversation I said different things about stuff I had opinions on, ya know- nothing major but would drop a hint here or there and then quickly move onto the next subject. At the end of the conversation he asked me why I never explained or backed up my points of view. For example, my disinterest and disappointment about Oprah and her influence on this country. His question left me speechless.

I have thought about it ever since and I realize I do it with everything I am passionate about. Quoting things like "Don't get me started" or "well lets not go there"... but why? Why do I push off these topics?

I have been told I am almost too passionate about the Lord before and that I can't keep my desire for Him out of my conversations, but what about my thoughts towards politics, family structures and insecure girls. A lot of my close friends know how I feel but why is it I can't stand ground when it comes to those older than me or my family members?

I feel like it has a lot to do with faith. Most of what I believe is rooted deep within me in places I really just don't understand. Most of the things I feel so strongly about I derived my opinions and judgments out of relationships and stories from those I love. I observe what our society does towards people and the reactions they inversely giveback and... I just know. I know when things are wrong. I know when there is an injustice. I just can't verbalize it. I can't articulate the emotions behind oppression. I can't discuss what it is like knowing there are children crying out for their parents without an answer because they sold them into into sex rings. A little less on the serious side, I know what it is to feel a broken heart after being so vulnerable with those you love.

People want to argue facts. They want to talk policies and figures. They want to map out what is best and who benefits the most and who gets the cheese as one would say. But I can't; I feel what I feel. It comes out of those intimate times I spend with my Savior. Those little drops of wisdom He blesses me with when I really don't deserve it. I can't describe what it is like when God pours a little raindrop of revelation into me. I just know things. I feel things.

A lot of people think I am stubborn and becoming close minded... but I am just in love with Lord and the creator of the universe. I can't talk politics and health care when the weight of the world is on my heart. I literally FEEL when someone's heart breaks. That's not a statistic I can give you. I squirm at the THOUGHT of a box cutter, knowing someone has held that to their wrist.

Don't talk to me about the impracticality of a teenager having a child when you can't see the strength within that young woman!!! She is a child of God and He can get her through anything. I don't understand why people think those who have children young are so low class, so *see now I can't think of a proper word* they think she is so beneath them when all I can do is thank the Lord she is caring the child full term. A child is another chance to make this world right--- don't you DARE talk to me about welfare and the drain on society as you indulge on your third vacation of the year, surrounded by your loving family. Just don't.

And that is why... that's why I can't go deeper. Sure, some of my thoughts and judgments are my own and they are not from the Lord and I really am messed up and opinionated, but some-- some is wisdom. Wisdom that I am proud of. Wisdom that I will keep away from the dinner table but will someday speak to multitude that will listen and believe because they have faith, not facts.

I believe it more so now than ever. It has been confirmed four times today by four different women in my life. I am wise. This is something I have been trying to lie to myself about. Yes, I may be an A student but I will never understand the ways of this world... I mean not only am I a woman in a man's world, I am young, I am blond, I don't read Newsweek and I can't even tell you what channel Cspan or Fox news are. But I do have some wisdom in me! And I am proud to announce that that wisdom only comes out of the vulnerability I have to say that I am nothing without my God, my Abba, the romancer of my soul. The more I surrender to Him, the more I will learn about his world and the way He created it to be. At that point he will give me the words needed and the strength necessary to share my wisdom of faith not facts.

The Loudest Laugh-er

2010-08-19T09:00:00.001-04:00

I have written a lot lately. Most likely because I have so much I have been thinking about and this is now the only place where my sporadic thoughts come together and make sense...

I saw the movie Eat Pray Love tonight. I was not too thrilled about going to see this film but I knew it would make *her happy so I decided to go. Well there goes my close mindedness again. It's like I know that there are some things that really are not good for you that you should stay away from but unless some thing is directly bringing glory to God I have been shying away completely forgetting that He is everywhere and He is bigger than any idea hollywood has and He can shine through their movies.

Anyway-- it is one of those thinking movies, gets you wondering. Am I truly living and how is it I ended up where I am now. As *her and I talked we spoke about the part where the main character says that she was actively present in the decisions she made in her life... but once she found herself settled in them-- she was not happy. She was unfulfilled. We discussed further how we fill our bodies with food, we cover ourselves with the latest style, and hide our blemishes with the best makeup on the market--- yet still unfulfilled.

I could have married him. I could have actively planned each part of our life together. I could have gone somewhere different and far away for school. I could have studied abroad somewhere and experienced a new culture. I could have surrendered my innocence again. I could have ignored God's call to my life. So many choices I have made--- and I can honestly say I am happy with where I have arrived. Although my lifestyle is to never stay put and I constantly want to be working on myself and others, I am proud of where I am, who I am and the God I serve.

Sure, I have a lot to learn. And by the end of the week my heart will be broken, guaranteed, but something is coming alive inside of me again. I am smelling that fresh air, I have rejuvenating my hope-- I am living, fully. And all I can think about are the unique qualities that make me- me and how much I enjoy that about myself.

I am the loudest laugh-er at the movies.
And yes, I will step on your toes if we are dancing together.
I will always choose a Reese cup over well, anything.
One tree Hill is and has always been my guilty pleasure.
Secretly, I think I have side bangs to just have a guy tuck them behind my ears.
Wearing bows in my hair may be a style I never rid myself of and drinking ice coffee at midnight is a bad habit I honestly don't want to kick.

I am me. And someday someone will love that enough not to leave-- because they too will have been formed by God for me to love, to cherish, and it will be right. It won't be work, somehow it will just fit. But, that love is not for now. That does not mean it is not him, for sure- it's just not for now. Now, I am to be me, for me and for the God who created me.

I woke up to a day...

2010-08-17T21:35:00.000-04:00

I woke up to a day where the sleep I just got is never enough.

I woke up to a day where it is possible to love someone one day and then not the next.

I woke up to a day where a B is the new A and every error is highlighted in your paper.

I woke up to a day where family drama turns serious and suicidal.

I woke up to a day where the sun is shining and the kids were all out to play.

I woke up to a day where my dreams are beginning to subside and look too big to claim.

I woke up to a day where I am not sure who I am anymore...

but in this day I am sure that God is good and He has a plan

No matter what else this day I woke up to brings-

He is there and He is good.

Emotionless Faith

2010-08-15T22:59:00.004-04:00

For years I have struggled with the scripture, "Faith is the substance of things hoped for", What?? I don't get it- isn't the substance the actual thing you hoped for? I have had some friends explain it to me and is does make sense in a different light now. But that is so right on with faith. I mean does it ever make sense?

It brings peace. It brings hope. It stands in the gap of disappointment and bitterness. But does it make sense-- no. Is it easy to wake up each day renewing this faith... sometimes, and sometimes not. The common question though: Is it worth it? Of, course!

For those who know me personally I am in a weird season, different, challenging, emotionless.... that's it. The absence of emotions. It's like I am here and I am truly happy/content but my heart is gone. My soul is satisfied but... stale.

It is almost testing, even though I don't think God tests or probes us to prove ourselves-- but more so do I truly believe even without the emotion behind this "religion"? How about without the constant reminders of love in this "relationship"? When I said I Love You and I am Committed to You--- did I mean it, or were my emotions fleeting?

I am doing everything humanly possible to scream, YES I STILL MEAN IT. I don't care if I can feel you, hear you, sense you. I know YOU are real and I KNOW you love me.

We change our thoughts on life daily. Every moment we have the possibility of responding differently to every situation-- our emotions are so uncontrolled. reckless, and untrustworthy. But He is not-- He is unchanging, unshakable and He is my God, my refuge and with Him at least-- I know where I stand.

-So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God. 1 Corinthians 2: 5
-Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. James 1: 3

He is who He is no matter who I am that day.

It's not about the emotion, it's about the truth.

Romans 9

2010-08-07T22:17:00.000-04:00

This set of scripture messes with my mind..

^{Every time I read it I have a different opinion.
Some times when I read it I feel like the Jews.}

^{Others I feel like the Gentile.}

^{Some times I think it is completely bogus.}

^{Others I understand more so that He is God.}

^{Today-- I wanted to be enraged.}

^{Why are some not called?}

^{Or are they called but He knows they will refuse Him?}

^{Either way-- I fall on my face and say thank you, thank you... thank you for choosing me. I don't really know what else to say. That and thanks again for the wake up call.}

¹⁰Not only that, but Rebekah's children had one and the same father, our father Isaac. ¹¹Yet, before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad—in order that God's purpose in election might stand: ¹²not by works but by him who calls—she was told, "The older will serve the younger." ¹³Just as it is written: "Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated."
¹⁴What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! ¹⁵For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion."

¹⁶It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. ¹⁷For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."¹⁸Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.

¹⁹One of you will say to me: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?" ²⁰But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' "²¹Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?

An Extra Hot Cocoa

2010-08-04T19:08:00.003-04:00

I swear it that I would be a great waitress.
I use to be such a good barista at Starbucks.
Always giving that extra smile, whip cream and listening ear.
That is not to brag... but that is just who I am.

A lot of the times that I go out I do not get nice waiters.
That always bums me out-- I mean to a point.
I am always trying to talk to them & joke and they just want to know how I want my eggs-- no for real-- that is all they are thinking about.
But last night Ryan & I went out to Friendly's and we had a waitress who gave me an extra hot cocoa.

This is not about the hot cocoa.
It is about going above and beyond.
It was about her kindness.
It was about her crossing the "cultural norms" and still doing something nice for me.

Upon leaving I asked Ryan "Ya know we have had her a couple of times- do you think she knows who we are?" Ryan answered, "Yeah I bet she knows we are the couple who comes in everyone once in awhile, prays before meals, and leaves a good tip"

All three were true. I bet she does remember us and the tip we leave. And now that has me thinking... I wonder what *impression* we leave on her and everyone we meet.

I bet people think we are pretty happy.
We sure laugh a lot.
We talk the whole time and like to engage those around us in the conversation.
We obviously like the combination of ice cream and hot fudge, but I bet she doesn't know...

She doesn't know how sad I really was drinking that extra hot cocoa.
She doesn't know that he cut me off mid-way through my prayer so he could eat his sandwhich.
I bet she doesn't know how much that free hot cocoa meant to me.

Not only does she not know-- but most likely she does not care.
I mean whose heart really breaks over each person they meet wondering what turmoil they are going through that day?
Who takes that much time to consider what others are really going through.
We physically can't. There is not enough time to sit down and really help everyone and hear them out.

So can we at least agree to give that extra cup of cocoa?
I know I am. Because, wow- did I need that.
It may have been warm outside but my heart was quite cold.

The Curfew of our Hearts

2010-07-22T22:53:00.001-04:00

Luke 11:27-30

As he said these things, a woman in the crowd raised her voice and said to him, "Blessed is the womb that bore you, and the breasts at which you nursed!" But he said, "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!" When the crowds were increasing, he began to say,"This generation is an evil generation. It seeks for a sign, but no sign will be given to it except the sign of Jonah. For asJonah became a sign to the people of Nineveh, so will the Son of Man be to this generation."

Blessed are those who hear the word of God and keep it...

Blessed. Are those. Who. Hear. The word of -God- AND keep it...

Keep it. The word of God.

Blessed are you.

He has called me to holiness.

He has called me to literally lived a -set apart- life.

The bible calls for us to do a lot. Love. Love rightly. Withhold judgment. Keep our cool and not murder people. We are reminded of these things daily...

But He also calls us to Holiness.

Purity.

Cleanliness.

Consecration.

Dedication.

Faithfulness.

Faultlessness.

Humility.

Innocence.

Morality.

Reverence.

Righteousness.

Sanctification.

Virtue.

...He calls us. He calls me. Why are we not answering? "Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?" -- Luke 6:46

He was he sign of Jonah for OUR generation. If you do not know the significance of that, look it up. See what message God sent with Jonah.

He calls us to holiness because He knows what happens to us when we do not live a holy life.

That is what we like to call, the Father heart of God.

He wants us to succeed.

Always has.

Same reason earthly fathers give curfews... they know the destruction the darkness brings. So does God- the Father.

Winter Clothes

2010-07-16T21:28:00.000-04:00

I am in this shedding season I feel like.

I have collectively over the years borrowed, taken or collected things from others and currently they are in a pile in my new place and I just want rid of them.

I wanted a new bedset for here. To kind of start over. Look fresh.

Shake off the old and start with the new.

I know I just made a big transition in my life and with anything in my life I feel like its a go big or go home kind of move. I want rid of it... all. I'm over it, moving on... NEXT.

What does that even mean? You know that first feeling of taking off the bulky sweater and throwing on a tank top? Like those winter clothes had been carrying you down all year and now its time to throw them off, bag them up and move on. It's summer baby! *takes fresh breath of air*

That's how I feel.

However it is not all sunshine and rainbows taking that first step into summer. Summer exposes a lot. your less covered up and surrounded by people a whole lot more. Your favorite sweater is found in the trash bag of clothes. The comfort that kept you going all winter. Cold nights, it kept you warm. Feeling chubby days, it hide it from the world. Bonfire nights, perfect. Going for a walk, perfect. Out to dinner, of course.

Now... I have outgrown it.

I am shedding what and when I least expected it.

My roaming heart is still roaming.

I am not home yet.

I moved in and all my boxes are unpacked but my heart is still searching, still restless.

It is looking love.

Its looking for a place to unpack, a place to rest and pour it's treasures out to.

I know that seems corny-- but really, it is.

And once you have felt that feeling you'll understand.

Sometimes I want my sweater, hide from the world behind what I have always known.

Other times, I want to strip down-- bear it to the world in a jean skirt & flip flops.

Take chances, feel the sunshine and run like crazy.

Lord, you know all. You made all. Show me what it is I am suppose to do. I can't do this without you. Dream big, or stay realistic. Shed it all or keep some of the old. Move on or stick it out. I trust you. I believe in you. Talk to me. I miss you.

Come up Swinging

2010-07-02T22:17:00.000-04:00

I told myself I would write.
I made a pact with myself that significant points in my life either good or bad would be shared in hopes of someday having my story help others get through their own stories.
Now who is to say that I can even help someone.
Seems a little egotistical to me... but a hope we all have.
Who doesn't want their life to mean something.
Who doesn't want to look back and say look, look, I made a difference!

Anyways- I write tonight from a broken heart.
From a emptiness.
From a longing.
From a very large confusion.
I use to know.
Like I use to know, know.
Now... I don't know.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I also don't want to leave myself dragging behind.
There are heartaches in this life and I know no relationship is perfect.
But I want to be adored and I don't want to be left in the dust.
Does he even know, you ask.
I am not sure. Maybe it is obvious to both of us- maybe I am over-analyzing.
But I know that my heart hurts...and that's all I know right now.

The world dates differently.
They move on faster.
They don't have the spiritual connection we do.
They settle, they become complacent, they let dreams subside and become bitter and restless.
I don't want that. I don't want to be a statistic.
I want... I want to be in love... like I thought I was.

I just want him to come up swinging.
I want to be fought for,
I want to be desired,
I want to be woo'd.
Is that okay to still want this late in the game?
Am I asking too much--am I letting him give too little?

Like I said, I don't know.
I really don't know.

"Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say
I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need"
-Lady Antebellum

Ten Week Tribute

2010-06-26T15:03:00.000-04:00

It has been ten weeks since I have left Nashville, Tennessee. I would like to say that Mercy Ministries and Grace Center cross my mind everyday, but they don't. However, I can say that every promise I made inside my heart, every whisper I sent to heaven, every hard decision I cried through-- I have followed through on.

It sucks that for the first month I felt like no one at that place understood, liked, or recognized me... not as a whole but in unexplainable ((insecure)) ways.

I was so wrong.

Like I said it has been ten weeks sicne I have left and this is the fourth "batch" letters I have recieved from girls still in the program. They have shared thier trials, triumphs, affrimation and love with me. They have let me in and not fogotten me. They have sent prayers and asked for advice. They have been transformed and set free. They are at peace and in love with the God that created them.

My heart bursts with joy.

One of the girls wrote back about a comment I made about being bored almost with being pure-- even though I know it is ultimately the best choice. She wrote back urging to not to compromise-- she lavished me with scriptures and reminded me why it is I do what I do.

*Sigh.. I love what I do- shut-up, sit back, make myself available and let God use me. What a wonderful career. That is another reason being home is so hard-- it's like this environment won't let me blossom- it won't let me be a vessel for Him and that's fine, I know I'll find a blessed place to be again like Nashville was.

So here is the tribute to the place that loved on my unconditionally, ripped insecurities out of me and replaced them with true confidence. Here is to the town that taught me what quality and richness of life really is. Here is to the people truly chasing after God's heart and unwilling to compromise life--and succeeding in miracles because of it. Here is to the minsitry that awoken my heart and made a worker out of me.

I miss you, all of you. But again, I know it's here where I am meant to be-- for now.

Back to Romance

2010-06-18T21:47:00.001-04:00

Song of Solomon 1:2

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth
for your love is more delightful than wine.

I have never had such an ache, such a desire, such a sweet after taste left in my mouth,

God, Lover of my soul, You have changed me.

Inside out!

I have been saved, delivered, and healed.

I know this may seem like old news but not when the creator of the world CONTINUALLY makes lavishes me. It never gets old being His princess. It is funny I would have no idea how to tell someone how to get from point A to B now--even though that was one of the points of this blog tocapture those moments and hopefully use them to touch people in their walk.

But it would almost be like asking a drunk woman for directions...

Hmmm... what a wonderful thought, being drunk on Him and His wine.

When Home is no Longer Home

2010-06-14T00:30:00.000-04:00

To be who you are trying to become always means, you can't be who you have always been.

This town scares me.

It makes me feel like I am someone I am not.

Or someone I have always been.

Am I me.. or am I that someone I don't really see?

How can there be so much rage left inside me when the Lord also resides in me.

...I thought I was done with all this change stuff.

For one season to just be- would be wonderful.

But if I allowed that complacent lifestyle to take over I would never become like Him.

And is that not the goal in this life anyway?

To not be me but to be Him, or rather for Him to shine through me.

However in order for that to happen i can't be the me that I am.

I must be the me he has pre-destined me to be.

I have to be the woman He is trying to make me.

I will never be at full me-ness. But I need to keep trying.

I need to keep pushing forward.

What is it about this hometown of mine that makes me come alive--- in the wrong way.

Rochester gives me such life yet home, home brings me despair, compromise and void.

Is it me, is it him, is it Him?

What could possibly be still left inside me that causes such distraction, such division.

I went through my devotional tonight (Hey Mike--here is your shout out) to just remind myself I have a purpose, a plan, a God who forgives, loves, comforts, and understands.

I just don't like this town anymore... is that okay to even say?

I don't feel safe.

Nail by Nail: Board by Board

2010-05-27T20:47:00.004-04:00

A house and a home; Most would agree these are two different things.
A house is a structure built intended for people to live in.
A home is an environment that is familiar and custom to those who live in it.
A house is for shelter.
A home is for safety.
A house is a place.
A home is an atmosphere.

My opinion varies daily on what kind of house and home I want.
Sometimes I want a small structure, nothing fancy with low mortgage payments. Other times I want a dream home with several bedrooms and master bathrooms.
Sometimes I want a baby sitting on my kitchen floor banging my ever so expensive pots with a ice cream scooper while it’s other toys lay unattended to. Other times I want a tidy living room with just my husband and I.

However, there are some things about my house/home I do not waiver on.
My house will be built by my husband.
And my home will be built by me.
Just as I do not want a foreign contractor plastering my walls, I do not want my hospitality to be done by a babysitter or an interior designer.
Not only do I want both to be authentic but to be built by the proper partner.
Yes, social work world, I said proper.

I believe God set up our world with a system- a pretty good system in fact.
I know it’s been perverted throughout the years and some houses were built on sloping hills and some homes were built on rocky marriages- but there is such a thing as a safe home.

Miranda Lambert recently released the single “The house that built me”
Here are some of the lyrics. "Mama cut out pictures of houses for years From Better Homes and Garden magazines. Plans were drawn, concrete poured, and nail by nail and board by board Daddy gave life to mama's dream"
I can’t begin to tell you what this verse does to my heart.
It makes me dream, it makes me envious, it makes me sad- but either way, it makes me come alive.

Another song I found long ago- that never made it big but struck a chord inside my heart was “I’ll write you a song” by Plain White T’s.
"I don't know how to make lots of money I got debts that I'm trying to pay I can't buy you nice things, like big diamond rings But that don't mean much anyway I can't give you the house you've been dreaming If I could I would build it alone I'd be out there all day, just hammering away Make us a place of our own"

The thoughts of a man loving me so much to literally build me a house moves me to tears.
There is just nothing –nothing- more masculine than that in my eyes.
With each ‘nail by nail and board by board’ I see the love, the devotion, the strength, the protection, the wisdom, the discipline, and the feeling of home that pours out.
And in my opinion, I deserve a house.
I deserve a home.
I deserve to be loved.
I deserve to be adored- because that is exactly how God intended it to be.
God wants us to have life and have it to the fullest.
We deserve shelter and safety, a place and an atmosphere.

Since God knew Adam better than anyone, He knew that he would need Eve not only to encourage Adam to build a house but to inspire him- to give him a reason for his hard work. When Eve was created she was made to set Adam on fire- to bring out the fierceness in him. But don’t forget Eve is fierce also, just in a different sense. We all know never to mess with Mama’s cubs. But what about someone disrespecting her husband? Or someone having a better garden than her?

Eve is what makes Adam work. Her drive- drives Adam to start and finish tasks.
Her love drives Adam to compassion.
Her gentleness drives Adam to helpfulness.
Her desires drive Adam to succeed.
If Eve wants a new kitchen floor- Adam will install one.
Not out of persuasion or manipulation but simply because when Eve respects Adam, Adam loves Eve.
And when Eve inspires Adam, things get done.

We have roles on purpose- equal but different.
There are houses and there are homes.
There is Adam and there is Eve.
There are inspirers and dream homes.
There is an original design.
And Like I said I want my home to be authentic.

For him

2010-05-11T02:03:00.003-04:00

For anyone who has been following for awhile knows I like to speak to 'her' a lot. Those deep brown eyes, shaky but not faint voice, the scars on her wrist and a hope beginning to surface. I love her I do. But this past year has taught me a lot about him. And when I say him, he's a lost feller. He's heard it all but not sure if he can believe it. He's had his heart broken, but he's broken a few in his day also.

He's home life is alright, but the social life could use some work. Underneath it all he's a genuine guy. He really wants whats best but because he has been taught no value he responds harshly. He wants it to be a good day, but it's not always a good day. Nevertheless he awakes each day with hope. He brings a smile to someone's life, while all along he wishes someone could do that for him.

He is overlooked, but not forgotten. He is not socially best, but he is a charmer. He loves and he loves quickly and rashly. He makes a choice and chases it with all his heart.
This, this is what has left him hurt, time and time again.

My thoughts immediately turn to 'what if he :::chased::: God?' What if he casted the worldly cares aside and ran after his real Father. What if he admitted all he really wanted out of high-school was affirmation? This affirmation he has yet to find in college. What if he surrendered that false pride that has been built up for years?

Could it be... could it be he is just as important, loved, adored, gifted and purposed as my 'her'? Does God want to redeem the warriors in this world just as badly as His beauties? Of course we are led to believe yes. Yes, He has a plan for Him. Yes, He cares for him. ...but why then aren't we? Don't get me wrong I LOVE woman's ministry. But what about him? He has been left out his whole life- does he not deserve to be cared for also? How can we bring 'bromance' back to the church? I know my church is trying and there are plenty of books out there now trying to redeem the church for men. Get rid of the pink fliers, loosen up the dress code, let the men be men.

I love that Ryan is a man. Hah, well obviously. But I love the temper he brings to the surface when someone has done me wrong. I love that he would rather shoot his friends with paintball guns then stay in and bake them cookies. I love that he brings out the best and very worst of me all at the same time. I mean it's the original design- we are the beauties that set those men on fire. We drive them nuts, just like God has purposed it (haha-lets not use this as an excuse). Together Adam and Eve were a team, a team that didn't always consult their coach which led to some defeats, but a team none the less. A team that was redeemed by a sacrifice and still loved.

So all in all this is for him.

I am sorry it took me so long to acknowledge you. You are important to the kingdom. If it wasn't for men like you- God might not always catch those 'off-the-streets' kind of girls so quickly. Again, I recommend Wild at Heart for further discussion on this topic. But more so I recommend a church that understands and responds to a heart of a man. A church that will allow men to grow and play, to fight and cry, to love and be loved. I also recommend becoming strong on your own then finding the beauty to inspire you. Build the foundation, that way she can be safe and reckless in your arms. I know I am thankful for that. My heart has never felt so at home yet so adventurous before. Because of this, Ryan does for me what no other man can do and God does for me what no earthly man can do.

And then there was Two

2010-05-07T01:56:00.000-04:00

My Undergraduate College career ends in 9 days.

I feel friendships fading.

I know its healthy.

And I understand the reasoning and all.

But wow, consider the concept...

You will never see these people again.

Never will the union be your union.

You will never have this many friend requests again in your life.

Free pizza will never be the reason to go somewhere.

I think I am doing well with all of this, considering the not-so-good time I had with highschool ending. But at the same time I knew Undergrad was going to be fun... who knows what Grad will be like.

I have been living with my best friend for the past 2 weeks off campus-- for the first time of my college career. It's weird for so long you just go with what you got in the dorms, you live with who your placed with, you learn to work around them. you eat whatever the dining hall decides to make- but here it's like you know what you like & you actually get to do it. You like showering at night, do it. you like waffles every morning- make 'em.I know not very interesting blog stuff, but still it's growth. It's something.

I never thought I would be okay with having so few friends. Like close ones. Like ones you can't live without. Like ones who know everything about you. I've always been the girls with a lot of friends, going here and there, running around, pleasing everybody... and then there was two. Or well, that's at least how I feel.

"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one." -P. Sewyer

A lot of the times now, I just need one.

Whose to Say

2010-05-01T20:36:00.002-04:00

It's Saturday night. I am back in my college town. After my best friend and I caught the tail end of 'You've Got Mail" with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan- we joked about our fellow college student facebook statuses of

"Slip and Slide at 49 Main St. stop by and bring beer!"

"Out with my ladies doing what we do best and always regretting it the next day"

We wondered are we wasting our youth? Shouldn't the age of 22 be filled with late nights, high heels and memorable stories? This is a place I come back to often. This question of whose to say what is fun anyway.

I went out with my christian club on campus to the coffee shop last night and putting aside the unsettledness I felt from not fitting in anymore, it was not fun. I tried to turn their conversations from random jokes to what Jesus had done in their lives, no one responded. How is that fun? I wanted to talk about all God had done for me and listen to what He had done at my college while I was gone... that didn't happen.

So as of now, The Hills TV show is on and the girls (whoever they are) decide to have a night in and go to a the hotel to relax... they all ended up yelling at each other and thrown martini glasses around... so it doesn't look like they are having fun either.

So who is having fun? Who is living the life a 22 year old should? I wonder how different a 22 years olds life would be in a third world country compared to my selfishness here in America. I know that whenever I find myself asking this question God convicts me. Living a life like everyone else won't make the changes in the world I want to make. It's not that I have to live in solitude- but I do have to make the right choices to carry out the calling He has put on my life. Now I will admit I have had some good earthly times in the past... but were they worth it? The unsatisfying feeling you get chasing your friends in and out of different clubs, hoping he'll call, and wishing you had her body etc etc.

Maybe I am not missing out. Maybe I will stay in again tonight. I mean really who is to say what is fun anyway...

Lost in Translation

2010-04-28T23:36:00.000-04:00

Lessons learned thus far from being home:

You can cry a lot of tears behind rosy sunglasses, without anyone noticing.
Friends are the ones who can look past your frown and remember how great your usual smile is and won't stop making you laugh until your smile is back.
Being in love is a wonderful thing.
Sometimes the best thing to do is just move on.
God is bigger then our plans.

I never thought it would be tough coming home. I knew I would miss Nashville and I had grown a lot there but I feel totallly lost in translation. It's not that I am craving to be back south, actually I am not desiring to be anywhere. Nothing feels right. And my friends all swear it is for the best and something better is on it's way and perhaps they are right. But wow, my heart is aching for rest. There is no peace within this soul... something is not right, something is stirring- somethings about to change.

I don't plan on going to campus much- like I thought I would. There is nothing there for me now. I don't feel the blessing, I don't feel the grace. Sure, I love the people but God's saying it's time to move on and my heart has already done so.

But where did it go?

What passion is burning for?

What is the next great adventure I will embark?

What will begin to shape my life for the next year?

Will it be my internship?

Will it be the Roberts Wesleyan campus?

Will it be something, will it be anything?

What if it is time to just focus on God. To rediscover love. To get healed up? Would I be okay with that? Can I sit still for another 4 months?

What if it is time to begin, like :::really::: begin. What if my ministry life is right around the corner? What if something crazyyy is about to happen?

Either way my future looks and FEELS like a big question mark right now and although I am so so so grateful for my friends, faith and family--- I am lost in translation.